Poetry Forum

You don't like this thing, I don't like that.
We don't concur. Our hackles rise
(whatever hackles are). My tit, your tat,
your tone of voice, my lies.

When we wake up, all this will be forgotten
and no apologies will be required.
We'll kiss and feel rotten
and a portion of our love will have expired.

Nicely done. The rhythm feels a bit strained in

and no apologies will be required.

perhaps

no apology required. Also you have 3 wills in last verse, so it would remove one of them.

Ros

Yes, very good. Tight, unforced, observant.

Agree with Ros about that line. Perhaps '...with no apologies required' might work?

Cheers
peter

Yes, liked this! Tit/tat falls nicely.

Second stanza ending feels at a rush. Dunno, but suspect there would be a gain in losing a syl or two.

Maybe..

When we wake up, all this will be forgotten
and no apologies will be required.
We'll kiss and still feel rotten,
a portion of our love expired.

Just a thought.

Best,
Seth

I thought the last two lines were disappointing - the 7th because it's too short, the last feels like it's there for rhyme. I don't think love does expire in portions, somehow.

Hi k-j

There’s an edge to the writing that is almost disguised by the structure, as the rapprochement is ultimately an unhappy ending. I like that juxtaposition.

However, as others, I feel the structure is not as tight as it might be.

Just to be different, I’ve abbreviated your poem to an algebraic equation:

9a, 8b, 10a, 6b

11c, 10d, 6c, 11d


The two lines are supposed to represent the two stanzas (number = syllables, letter = rhyme).

The 6s look quite small beside the other line lengths.
As I read the poem, there seemed to be gaps in the rhythm at these lines. I don’t believe all lines (in any poem) should have the same number of syllables, but it’s interesting to find the correlation.

I suspect the longer lines are important to the narrative, so I’d be tempted to extend the two 6-syllable lines.

enjoyed

og

Hello K-j.
I liked the suggestion of how sleep can play such an important role within a relationship as either the antagonist or mediator, and as oranggunung has also pointed out, I too liked how the not quite so harmonious 'happy-ending', was tainted with the sadness of something lost.
I also thought the breakdown of your poem into an algebraic equation by oranggunung was excellent. An extremely useful 'tool' I know I will be using on my own compositions in future to put 'spectacles' onto tired eyes before posting.
I recognised the observations and enjoyed the simplicity of each line K-j, but I found it did not read too easily, which 'og's' suggestion highlighted as the probable cause.
My favourite part was 'Our hackles .. rise your tone of voice, my lies'
Very nice.
All the best
Robbie.

I like the thought behind this poem a lot. But where you've got variable line lengths or uneven rhythm with a strict rhyme pattern, it always sounds to my ear as though there has been a bit of a struggle to make the rhyme work. I feel it particularly in the second stanza.

Personally I think that if you're trying for a fixed rhyme pattern, more than anything else it has to feel natural and not forced. Philip Larkin was the master of that particular art, for me. He managed to create absolutely natural language which somehow just happened to come out in perfect rhythm and rhyme schemes.

There's room to smooth out the rhythm without losing any of the sense, though.
You don't like this thing, I don't like that
could be matched by
When we wake up, we will have forgotten
which might be a starting point for settling it all into a more disciplined rhythm. Or on the other hand, you could shift the language around a bit, especially in the opening line, so that the listener isn't expecting a rigid rhythm.

All the energy is in S1, S2 is flat in comparison. Perhaps that was the intention, to defuse, but this reader missed the tit and tat. I preferred the lines with the acid and bite, the immediacy of the present rather than the insight on the future (though I did like L5/L7 forgotten/rotten).

mac