Poetry Forum

v3

These she loves best:
anemones, daffodils, tulips.
And all, down to the last petal,

are here before me in the florist.
How to choose? –
one of the many questions

a sunny day in England throws up:
uncertainties uncontained in rains’
unyielding tedium.

Yes – the ambiguous, almost-heat of it;
the sandstone glow of Gold Street
in this inimitable light.

And to believe! Northampton is at last
a hill-top town overlooking the vines
and lemon-groves of Calabria.

So, in unbridled Renaissance fashion,
I choose them all
- and a dozen each -

for today I love her more precisely
than the chisel of some Latin stone,
the brush-stroke of sun on startled, Celtic skin.


v2

These she loves best: anemones, daffodils, tulips.
And all, down to the last petal,
are here before me in the florist.

How to choose? -
one of the many questions
a sunny day in England throws up: uncertainties

uncontained in rains’ unyielding tedium.
Yes – the ambiguous, almost-heat of it;
the sandstone glow of Gold Street

in this inimitable light.
And to believe! Northampton is at last
a hill-top town overlooking the vines

and lemon-groves of Calabria.
And so, in unbridled Renaissance fashion,
I choose them all - and a dozen each -

for today I love her more precisely
than the chisel of some Latin stone,
the brush-stroke of sun on startled, Celtic skin.

original

These she loves best: anemones, daffodils, tulips.
And all, down to the last petal, are here before me
in the florist. How to choose? -

one of the many questions
a sunny day in England throws up: uncertainties
not contained in rains’ unyielding tedium.

Yes – the ambiguous, almost-heat of it;
the sandstone glow of Gold Street
in this, the inimitable light

born of an instant following weeks of grey
confounds even the snow-drops
who strain pious white heads to see.

And to believe! Northampton is at last
a hill-top town overlooking the vines
and lemon-groves of Calabria.

With me, sculpted to the spot of the flower shop,
resolutely posed for the artist
of the question at hand.

And so, in unbridled Renaissance fashion,
I choose them all - and a dozen each -
for today I love her more precisely

than the chisel of some Latin stone,
the brush-stroke of sun on startled, Celtic skin.
Now then, where did I leave my wallet?

Some great stuff in here, Luke, but I would it's definitely reducible. If I strip it down to my favourite lines, what do we get?

These she loves best: anemones, daffodils, tulips.
And all, down to the last petal, are here before me
in the florist. How to choose? -

Yes – the ambiguous, almost-heat of it;
the sandstone glow of Gold Street
in this, the inimitable light ...

And to believe! Northampton is at last
a hill-top town overlooking the vines
and lemon-groves of Calabria.

And so, in unbridled Renaissance fashion,
I choose them all - and a dozen each -
for today I love her more precisely

than the chisel of some Latin stone,
the brush-stroke of sun on startled, Celtic skin.

And some other last line of your making. Not the current one!

But I think that's lovely. The middle stanza is gorgeous.

Cheers

David

I'm of much the same opinion as David, except I think you need verse 2 to shed light upon verse 3. As for that 2nd verse, you've uncertainties and unyielding. I'd throw in uncontained as well and make a feast of it.
I think you could leave out the last line of the poem.

Luke,

I wish I had a clearer knowledge of the places you mention but I'm sure your being so specific about them clarifies the sudden weather change you're describing.

You seem to have a lot of transition phrases here (one of the many questions, yes, and to believe, and so), which to me are a clue that you might have been struggling to keep all the content you wanted to include in one poem, connected.

This line has me wondering if the "she" is not deceased:

I love her more precisely

than the chisel of some Latin stone

Thanks for posting this poem, so full of colour and light.

Jackie

I agree with the others, Luke. Absolutely lovely piece, but you need to lose that last line, it sounds self-consciously apologetic.

1lankest wrote:Yes – the ambiguous, almost-heat of it;
the sandstone glow of Gold Street
in this, the inimitable light

Nice touch, there's nothing like the colour of Northampton sandstone on a sunny day.

Cheers,
Nash.

Thanks all,
Jackie - 'This line has me wondering if the "she" is not deceased' - she is not, in fact, but I'm glad it has that resonance as I guess it would enhance the poem for some.
Thanks David, your edit is great but I agree with Ray (ta Ray) that it needs v2.
Thanks Nash, I agree about the last line - I knew it was rubbish as I was writing it.....funny how we plough on regardless, isn't it??

Revision posted.

oh and cheers Ray - this is a great shout! - 'you've uncertainties and unyielding. I'd throw in uncontained as well and make a feast of it. '
Luke

...And Nash, Northampton eh? Where about?

I'm in Jimmy's End, under the shadow of the Tower. How about you?

I really like the rhymes in the first verse, especially best, tulips and florist. It pulls the focus into a very neat triangle.

I'd be tempted to leave the poem as a three line statement - and maybe give it a long and convoluted time.

Thanks Jeremy. Not sure about your suggestion though. Firstly not sure the sounds you mentioned are rhymes, secondly leaving the poem at three lines would lose more than it would gain, in my view.

Nash I'm in a village near Brixworth, north of town, called Maidwell. I'm down your way sometimes to watch the saints.

Luke

I know Maidwell quite well, Luke. I've walked your dale several times!

Nice work on the revision.

Nash.

Nash wrote:Nice work on the revision.

I agree. However, I don't like the slippage that has occurred in the preceding lines, and I much prefer this lovely thing -

And to believe! Northampton is at last
a hill-top town overlooking the vines
and lemon-groves of Calabria.

- as a separate verse. So, I would suggest, you could redo the first line of the second verse, like so:

How to choose? - one of the many questions

Hey presto!

I had not noticed before how well you use "precisely".

This is very good, Luke. I like it a lot. I had not noticed before how well you use "precisely".

Cheers

David

Nice, especially the end.

Some inlines...

These she loves best: anemones, daffodils, tulips.
And all, [lose this comma?down to the last petal,
are here before me in the florist.

How to choose? -
one of the many questions
a sunny day in England throws up: uncertainties

uncontained in rains’ unyielding tedium.
Yes – the ambiguous, almost-heat of it;
the sandstone glow of Gold Street
I'd lose all of this. s3 it is nicely written, it just doesn't take us on much
in this inimitable light.
And to believe! Northampton is at last
a hill-top town overlooking the vines

and lemon-groves of Calabria.
And so, in unbridled Renaissance fashion,
I choose them all - and a dozen each -

for today I love her more precisely
than the chisel of some Latin stone,
the brush-stroke of sun on startled,[[lose this?]/b] Celtic skin.

Nash, small world eh. Yes lovely country around here - I teach at the little prep school in the village. Cheers.
Thanks for returning David, I agree about the slip.....have tried to amend to keep that stanza together....not sure its working.
Thanks Richard - I take your point about the s3 but I feel its necessary to explain all that follows.

Final revision posted.

Luke