All mortal things

[k-j]

When you walked out of the jungle wearing nothing
I thought all of my kingdoms had come at once.
Putting down my elephant gun was second nature,
third was entering a state of trance.
Then you spoke in that tongue like wet gravel and foam,
and I knew I'd never return to my willowed home.

Thick stubby plants coated with nodules cloaked you,
also the shadows cast by what seemed like two suns,
until you emerged into the llano, warily sniffing,
projecting that lethal nonchalance
which I suppose you acquired from enslaving people.
Grimly I decided I would be the last to topple.

I readied a fortification - a trench dug with a mattock
and a mound reared by sinew and puke and purest brawn.
I made it brown to counteract your yellow and orange
(brown being the only harvestable pigment)
and I bade my people kneel at the lighting of the lamps;
I instructed them that no lady or gentleman be exempt.

If only day had broken and you had smitten us entirely!
The citizens go about their business, pumping gas,
but there's a region of thorns close to the surface
producing nightmares in filigree and glass.
The first, and deathless, nightmare, is when you emerge,
horrible, and we all fly, and all mortal things diverge.

[1lankest]

Hi K-j,

This is great - loving your jungle themes: so vivid and transporting.
To me this is about falling in love, or going under the spell of another. Thoughts below:

When you walked out of the jungle wearing nothing
I thought all of my kingdoms had come at once......fab pun
Putting down my elephant gun was second nature,......closed to love until now?
third was entering a state of trance.
Then you spoke in that tongue like wet gravel and foam,
and I knew I'd never return to my willowed home.

Thick stubby plants coated with nodules cloaked you,
also the shadows cast by what seemed like two suns,.......split personality?
until you emerged into the llano, warily sniffing,
projecting that lethal nonchalance
which I suppose you acquired from enslaving people.....capturing hearts?
Grimly I decided I would be the last to topple.........yes, succour to inevitability

I readied a fortification - a trench dug with a mattock
and a mound reared by sinew and puke and purest brawn.
I made it brown to counteract your yellow and orange
(brown being the only harvestable pigment).........didn't quite get these lines
and I bade my people kneel at the lighting of the lamps;.........love this and the Eliot echo
I instructed them that no lady or gentleman be exempt.......sceptical relatives?

If only day had broken and you had smitten us entirely!.......is the grammar right here?
The citizens go about their business, pumping gas,
but there's a region of thorns close to the surface
producing nightmares in filigree and glass.
The first, and deathless, nightmare, is when you emerge,
horrible, and we all fly, and all mortal things diverge......

a powerful last stanza, suggesting the relationship was doomed to failure on account of the 'native's' fraught character?
A super metaphor, beautifully executed. Hope I haven't missed something altogether here.

Luke

[ray miller]

Nice first verse. I found the rest distinctly patchy. Can't get a handle on the rhythm, maybe that's just me.Maybe it is about falling love. I thought it were more likely about a fantastical creature or hallucinatory experience.

When you walked out of the jungle wearing nothing
I thought all of my kingdoms had come at once.
Putting down my elephant gun was second nature,
third was entering a state of trance.
Then you spoke in that tongue like wet gravel and foam,
and I knew I'd never return to my willowed home. - maybe not instead of never

Thick stubby plants coated with nodules cloaked you,
also the shadows cast by what seemed like two suns, - and would be better than also, I think
until you emerged into the llano, warily sniffing,
projecting that lethal nonchalance
which I suppose you acquired from enslaving people.
Grimly I decided I would be the last to topple. - I don't think this people/topple rhyme works

I readied a fortification - a trench dug with a mattock
and a mound reared by sinew and puke and purest brawn. - better without and puke
I made it brown to counteract your yellow and orange
(brown being the only harvestable pigment) - no rhyme?
and I bade my people kneel at the lighting of the lamps;
I instructed them that no lady or gentleman be exempt. - found these lines a bit tortuous, to be honest

If only day had broken and you had smitten us entirely!
The citizens go about their business, pumping gas,
but there's a region of thorns close to the surface
producing nightmares in filigree and glass.
The first, and deathless, nightmare, is when you emerge,
horrible, and we all fly, and all mortal things diverge. - don't know what the last verse is all about but the rhythm is back apart from horrible

[Antcliff]

Hi,
thoughts below.

Liked it. A rather joyful, playful one, zany even...clearly jungles suit (if that where this is)

When you walked out of the jungle wearing nothing
I thought all of my kingdoms had come at once......puntastic.
Putting down my elephant gun was second nature,
third was entering a state of trance......do you really need "state of"?....or are you hinting at "state of grace"? .
Then you spoke in that tongue like wet gravel and foam,
and I knew I'd never return to my willowed home.....did not understand this bit..made of willow? Willow in the garden? Covered in willow? Sorry to be a willow pedant.

Thick stubby plants coated with nodules cloaked you,
also the shadows cast by what seemed like two suns,
until you emerged into the llano, warily sniffing,....did not know "llano"/nice word.
projecting that lethal nonchalance.....liked this.
which I suppose you acquired from enslaving people.
Grimly I decided I would be the last to topple.

I readied a fortification - a trench dug with a mattock
and a mound reared by sinew and puke and purest brawn....not sure what the puke is doing.
I made it brown to counteract your yellow and orange
(brown being the only harvestable pigment)
and I bade my people kneel at the lighting of the lamps;
I instructed them that no lady or gentleman be exempt....nice combination of "p" sounds.

If only day had broken and you had smitten us entirely!
The citizens go about their business, pumping gas,.......is this set by an oil well of some sort?
but there's a region of thorns close to the surface
producing nightmares in filigree and glass.....nice "g" combination.
The first, and deathless, nightmare, is when you emerge,
horrible, and we all fly, and all mortal things diverge.

[Jackie]

Well, K-J, I can't decide if this is an ode to a tiger, or . . . . I've had a great time reading it and speculating.

It's the story that has me going; the sequence of events. You seem to want to keep that natural, narrative voice. The voice does make this seem very sincere and believable when it descends into nightmares, but because of it the piece reads much more like prose than a poem. Just my impression.

A really good read!

Jackie

[Elphin]

Hello k-j

I think you know I generally admire your stuff so here comes the but.....

.....not this one. For me at least it is quite ponderous and prosaic, the rhyme on the last line of s1 is like a big clunk for example. Lots of "ands" -- I am sure I recall reading Cormac McCarthy and wondering what he would do without "and" .... is it a North American thing? The rhythm never quite gets going enough to propel me along.

Having said all that s1 was an enticing set up... disappointed in what followed.

Maybe its me!

elph

[MikeAcker]

Nicely written. Vivid imagery.

[k-j]

Thanks all round for the responses.

I'm not really happy with this one although I like the idea. Probably won't come back to it. Some parts are simply unintelligible. Must stay away from the jungle, i.e. not write poetry while drunk, or at least not post it until after a sober self-review.

Luke - mostly you're right with your interpretations. Also with your non-comprehension of the colours, those lines are just bollocks. I think the grammar is right in S4 L1 - smite, smote, smitten, no?

Ray, I like "not". Also "also", especially as elph criticises me for too many ands. People/topple is a bit tenuous, yes. Puke, yes, awful.

Seth. Yes, state of grace was the idea. But it might work better just as "a trance". Meant to imply "covered in/shaded by willow". Meant to be indicative of the English idyll, i.e. "Banks of Green Willow", "Wind in the Willows" etc. Puke, yes, awful, will remove... pumping gas, no, just meant as the typical way of employing ourselves.

Jackie, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, sort of tigery... really was aiming to depict some kind of unknown South American wood demon...

Elph, I disagree about the rhyme but I think overall you're right. I don't know if "and" is a North American thing... isn't it more of a Genesis thing? I have eight in my 24 lines, or one "and" per three lines, and two of those are in the last line. I don't think it's overloaded with ands at all. But I am a firm believer that many ands make light work. The rhythm though does leave something to be desired. Really appreciate the negative crit, thank you.

[OwenEdwards]

Oh, I liked this more than the others I think - I can't say I understood it but it had a romping element to its language and rhythm that worked well for me. I think with a revision of the weak s3 and a tighter/clearer s4 this could be very good.

[nottslinnet]

Hi k-j

For all the worth of my modest opinion I really liked the first two verses - the second half I felt was less successful simply because it was less powerful and thrilling, & more low-key. I felt that you were talking about a Jaguar or a Conquistadore or both - and that caught my attention.

In the fairly short time I've been on here I've grown extremely weary of people suggesting different words / lines or carping on about relevance. For me poetry is what I want to say - to include someone elses ideas is to undermine your own work / integrity. Its fine to be criticised and say I dont like it, or I dont understand it, or its depressing/tedious/unintersting - but leave the words alone. Each of us - I suspect - has worked long and hard at polishing our works - sometimes they reveal rare gems, othertimes mere turds, but they will never benefit from being part of a co-operative.

Simon

[David]

In S1 you seemed to have rewritten the wonderful Magnetic Fields' Queen of the Savages, and that's my favourite. S1-2 definitely seemed to be about falling in love and (trying not to), whereas S4 is, as far as I can tell, much more geopolitical. S3 is, as I think you say yourself, pretty unintelligible.

But time reading your poems is never wasted , and I enjoyed this one too.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

I enjoyed v2 best. The rest lost me a bit though I like these jungle verses.

[MikeAcker]

Enjoyable read.
My favorite is:
"but there's a region of thorns close to the surface
producing nightmares in filigree and glass."
Great imagery!