Poetry Forum

Let us prey....

Our Father, franchised from America
that makes the world the same.
Thy mores come,
thy burgers will be done in Omsk
as they are in Capetown.
Give us our dose of the daily dead
and televise their carcasses
as we bomb the shit out of those that trespass against us.
And lead us not into Utopia
but deliver us from evil.
For thou hast dominion
the power and the weapons
but maybe not forever
Amen

Hi Jeremy, welcome to PG!
Having said that, it's a bit obvious, this poem, isn't it? Variations on the Lord's prayer aren't new, and the sentiments you're expressing are also not new, and I'm afraid the language used doesn't do much for me either.

Ros

Which language in particular?

All of it. I meant you're not doing anything very interesting with metaphor, alliteration, rhythm etc.

But other than that you liked it...

I'm sure you can do better than this unoriginal anti-American screed. There are lots of things to loathe about America, but you need to apply your brain and not just churn out this superficial burgers, bombs and bucks narrative.

Cape Town is two words.

Sorry to be harsh but in my opinion this has no merit: I had a look at your blog and you seem to be smarter than this poem.

The poem isn't Anti-American.

The poem isn't anti-anything.

I take on board the Cape Town point though.

Jeremy,

A question: why did you choose this format (variation on this prayer) to say what you wanted to say? What's the connection between the original prayer and your message?

Jackie

jeremyyoung wrote:thy burgers will be done in Omsk
as they are in Capetown

I have to say I enjoyed that one.

Cheers

David

When I was a sixth former, the Observer ran a competition 'Poems for Nelson Mandela' whilst he was still in prison. I wrote one based on the Lords Prayer called Afrikaaner Mandate. It came 8th or something. Two of my fellow sixth formers got in the top 20, and one beat me (though to be fair he has turned out to be a booker shortlisted author and he was head and shoulders above me).

They published quite a few in the paper and a poster contained the top 20 or so. Not mine though. It was missed off. The judges included David Yip (the Chinese Detective) and Carmen Munroe (Playchool!). Carmen sidled up to my dad at the prizegiving and told him that the only reason I hadn;t been published was that it was considered a bit blasphemous and the trust running the Observer had religious links and felt they couldn't run with it. It seemed a bit odd to me - the point was to attack the piety of white South Africans. I got introduced to some more judges/journalists who claimed the same thing. As a naive 17 yr old, I just thought, Cool, I have totally been censored by the Guardian. It all seemed so daft, I didn't even get annoyed.

Anyway. I've always wanted an excuse to tell that story. So thank you.

I too read this as a bit anti-American and simplistically polemic. Sorry if that's an overly simplistic reading. No biggie if you like it yourself of course.

Oh and I think you're new, so Hi - and welcome. Sorry this one is getting a bit of a rough ride, but good to be frank if we can stay polite and supportive..

Best

R

I only just noticed

Let us prey....

If the spelling is deliberate, it would seem to be leaning toward anti-something.

Jackie

Jackie wrote:I only just noticed

Let us prey....

If the spelling is deliberate

I suspect it isn't . . .

Sorry Jeremy, another thumbs down here. And I extend that thumbs down to your blog, your e-book and your shameless attempt to abuse this community of writers.

B.

Apart from thy mores come, which I don't understand, I like the first 6 or 7 lines. Downhill after that though. I'd call it The Horde's Prayer and get rid of Let us prey. I think the simplicity, which some complain of, is perhaps a strength in a prayer. But polemical poems do not get a good reception on PG, or for that matter in the orthodox poetry magazines. On the performance poetry circuit, by contrast, you can't move for Attila The Stockbrokers.