Poetry Forum

Mundane traffic with dirty lenses gazing at me;

Casually looking to my right, The aura of the same un-
organised selection of toilet rolls stay sat on the market,
soaked wood which maybe, i think may of blown nice as
a tree once..

Who Knows ?

"Four for a pound" muffles through the rain and footsteps
of potential dis-organised market men..

Markets appear so Titanic today hit by the big store's ice-
burg effect, Sinking the aura of the market stalls magic.

Anyways it's friday why should i give a shit....

cheers Thomas.....

Any critique on this one then feel free to disect.

Tom,

Difficult to read I'd say.

The punctuation is odd - Caps after commas, then not. Unequal ellipses, dis-organised hyphenated?

"i think may of blown nice as" - should be have

Using "Nice" was a bit lazy.

The titanic metaphor was a bit grating.

The last line made good sense.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

cheers
Kris

Cheers Kris....I quite liked the titanic metaphor though

back to the drawing board then respect for your honesty Kris...

Tom..

i like the titanic reference, nice pun on iceberg lettuce! should be "iceberg" not "burg" i think.

Tom,

As an afterthought, and the fact that my comments were all negative: The poem has great potential, much vibrancy to tune into, I think the punctuation let it down though.

The titanic metaphor? MMMMMMMMmmm to me it didn't make sense, you use Titanic as an adjective, not as a Noun therefore the markets would "appear" to have "great force or power" which it seems to me should be the opposite?

Definitely one to work on.

Theres no excuse for the punctuation i know that,my only excuse is that i'm crap at punctuation Thanks again Kris i don't mind negativity at lesast your honest...

Right im off to drown me sorrows Only kidding one to work on i suppose....

Cheers Tom..