Iona Corncrake, 3.56 am

[Antcliff]

The backing silence seems to emphasise
[tab][/tab]the single call,

the one-ness it expresses, the relentless
[tab][/tab]need for another.

The odds are not good; and he's only got
[tab][/tab]one tune. Soon

the other birds will start, his voice fading
[tab][/tab]into the chorus.



v1
The backing silence seems to emphasise
the singularity of the call,
the One-ness it expresses,
the relentless need for another. The odds

are not good; and he's only got one tune.
Soon the other birds will start,
his voice fading into a chorus
of more general purpose. One will cease to be.

[ray miller]

I enjoyed this. The backing silence - very nice.

the One-ness it expresses, - I did a double take, thinking at first the One-ness was of the mystical variety

The odds are not good; - excellent

One will cease to be. - maybe a line of its own?

[Ros]

Echoing Ray here, who makes the points I would make. One-ness is a bit problematic, to my eye.

Ros

[David]

The odds are not good; - excellent

It is!

One will cease to be. - maybe a line of its own?

Yes. I'm not awfully happy with the line break on "odds" either, so ...

The backing silence seems to emphasise
the singularity of the call,
the One-ness it expresses,
the relentless need for another.
The odds are not good;

and he's only got one tune.
Soon the other birds will start,
his voice fading into a chorus
of more general purpose.
One will cease to be.

???

Cheers

David

[MikeAcker]

I like the whole concept. A bird starts early, maybe knowing the odds are not great. Maybe it is also aware of the competing calls coming soon. You meant "one-ness" as in "unique" or as in part of the whole?

Possibly a difference between man and the rest of living beings. Man could analyze too well and come to the conclusion that "the odds are low" and not try to begin with(depression?), while our counterparts find enjoyment in the "call" alone.

[1lankest]

I like this a lot. I read this metaphorically, a man sitting up late and drunk dialling an old flame or even an alienated present lover. Love 'he's only got one tune'.

I'm ok with the oneness bit, although I'd be tempted to write it 'oneness'.

Luke

[Ros]

I like David's line breaks, and agree with 'oneness' as an improvement. I'm still a bit worried about the last line - ceasing to be seems inappropriate, as the one is still there, just swamped.

Ros

[Suzanne]

Another pleasant read, Seth.

I agree with Ros in her last reply who agreed with David and luke and oneness.

And about the ceasing to "be" is not quite right as they are all ones and being noisy.

A tweak and off it goes to your must-be-coming-soon published book!
Lol.
Well done.
I love your overall positive tone, Seth.

Suzanne

[Antcliff]

Thanks, Ray

the One-ness it expresses, - I did a double take, thinking at first the One-ness was of the mystical variety

I was hoping slightly for that double take. Not sure if it is a strength or weakness. Hmm.

Thanks about the silence and the odds.

Thanks, Suzanne...lovely to see you back. De-thawed when found in the forest?

And about the ceasing to "be" is not quite right as they are all ones and being noisy.

Fair enough, yep. I think I was trying to do too much with that line...and may have ended up doing too little.

Thanks, Ros

I'm still a bit worried about the last line - ceasing to be seems inappropriate, as the one is still there, just swamped.

Okay, I will take that last line to the workshop.

And thanks for returning.

Thanks, Luke

Pondering about One-ness/Oneness.

I read this metaphorically, a man sitting up late and drunk dialling an old flame or even an alienated present lover. Love 'he's only got one tune'

It is open to that, yes. Although in this case I did really have in mind the corncrake by my window.

David, thank you.

Hmm, yes, I like that re-ordering and I think the re-write will be very close to it.

Thanks very much, Mike

You meant "one-ness" as in "unique" or as in part of the whole?

The former....intending to evoke the latter as well.

Possibly a difference between man and the rest of living beings. Man could analyze too well and come to the conclusion that "the odds are low" and not try to begin with(depression?), while our counterparts find enjoyment in the "call" alone.

Indeed, Mike, indeed.


Thanks, all...very helpful.

Seth

[Jackie]

Seth, I enjoyed this lots.

You say that while not opposed to a wider interpretation, you actually had an early-morning corncrake in mind; to me, the word relentless fits the corncrake idea better. It implies irritation on N's part at being woken at that hour, and is a pretty obsessive word to apply to a lover. Decidedly not romantic.

Jackie

[Antcliff]

Thanks, Jackie. Ha, yes..."relentless" not much of a word for a lover.


I have gone for a cutting/new hairdo on this. Not sure if it is a gain.

Seth

[IainMichaelBryan]

Hi Seth,

I really like the revised version of this - the form of line structure emphasises the subject, giving it a more solitary sense.

How about losing 'the' before 'chorus'?

Iain

[steamboats]

I like this. Last line maybe problematic, kind of slides the piece to an end, especially 'his voice fading into the chorus'. Seems to need greater emphasis. Something like

The odds are not good; he's only got
one tune. Soon

the other birds will be starting, and his voice
just a line in the chorus.

[Macavity]

The revision has a thumbs up from me Seth. It is cleaner, giving more focus on the word choices, though perhaps tune/Soon become less subtle. Interesting that the chorus voices a oneness, but a oneness that buries individuality.

Liked relentless, the notion of backing silence, not sure about fading - close to ceasing rather than being absorbed or receding or becoming part of - but perhaps the intention is to convey loss of distinctiveness - yes, perhaps fading is the right word - has an auditory component.

all the best

mac

[Antcliff]

Thank you, Iain. A very tempting suggestion. Hmm.

Thank you, Steamboats. Also a tempting suggestion. Hmm.

Thank you, Mac. Very interesting comments. And yes...tune/soon is now too heavy isn't it?

Progress has been made then, with the possibility of further tweaking at the end. Right..

Very helpful, all.
Thanks again, Seth

[David]

Very good revision, I think. The ending is much better, but I'm just wondering about "chorus". It's not actually a chorus, is it? (Or am I being pedantic?) "Chorus" suggests that they all have the same view in mind, or are singing the same song, which they don't and aren't - unless (I now realise) the other brids are also corncrakes, in which case they would. But if, as seems likely, the other birds here aren't also corncrakes, something more general might be better: hubbub, uproar (too strong, probably) or mélange?

Definitely well revised, though.

Cheers

David