Untitled 37

[bodkin]

Untitled 37

She stands aloof
upon the shore, a white-painted gently curving stack
the stairs go up,
the stairs go down,
the light has ceased to go around
and stares at a pointless point
somewhere beyond your horizon.

You have fumbled with her bra-strap in the dark.
You have taken to the muttering sea
in your cockle boat
and followed her light
to no concession, the water's span,
no waves breaking
upon a tiny eyot, no bearded man
--a Ben Gunn figure--
to focus her obsession.

And meanwhile she has built neat gardens
around the tower's base;
placed seashells, the usual
salt-tolerant perennials
between neat piles
of shipwrecked sailors' skulls--
each one broken through
in exactly the same place.

[IainMichaelBryan]

I have read this about a dozen times now, and really enjoy the balance of rhythm and fluctuating rhyme - reminiscent of 'the muttering sea' perhaps?

This has an enigmatic quality about it, particularly the last four lines, of which I am still trying to gauge the variety of possible meanings.

I do think the use of 'your' is slightly weak - not necessarily the meaning so much as the sound. Is it not 'her horizon'? Would another adjective for 'cockle boat' add strength to the image?

Really like this.

Iain

[bodkin]

Thanks Iain,

I could add an adjective to cockle boat... on the other hand over-use of adjectives is something to watch for (on which note possibly "pointless point" or "white-painted gently curving stack" could be simpler...) Let me dwell on this one for a bit.

The problem with "her horizon" vs. "your horizon" is that they imply different viewpoints. The N is addressing "you" and you can't see her horizon, you can only see your own... especially since she is presumably up the tower. So even if it sounds better I don't think I can change it that way without weakening the meaning?

Thanks!

Ian

[ray miller]

Does the title indicate that you've another 36 without a title? You need to delegate.
I enjoyed the first and last verses, though I wouldn't see a lighthouse as a stack, exactly. Wrong shape?
I'm having trouble with the bra-strap - nothing new there - and the last 5 lines of the 2nd verse.

[bodkin]

Thanks Ray,

This was never one that entirely knew where it was going, but I liked the pieces so I thought I would put it up and see if anybody said anything inspiring...

I suppose you are right about the bra strap, but it is the only thing that gives any relationship between the two characters.

How about if I... oh, wait, yes that might be better.

OK, will make a small edit.

For the 5 lines at the end of S2, I'm interested to know what it is about them that's not working for you? e.g. because for me they aren't esp. different from the surrounding parts...

For the title: no, there aren't 36 more (although I do have 149 poems or fragments in various degrees of construction...) I just didn't have a title, but I did have an streak of awkwardness. I'll give it a proper title if I ever get a clear enough idea what it should be...

Thanks again!

Ian

[Arian]

Yes, I enjoyed it too - the first stanza especially.

Like Ray, I stumbled on the bra line as well. I think it's because it suddenly changes the direction of the conceit, from being about a lighthouse to something much more personal, which is momentarily confusing. Well, it was for me, anyway.

Still - nicely executed. Enjoyable to read.

Cheers
peter

[Antcliff]

Well, a lighthouse poem. One of my favourite types of poem.

I liked it a lot. The enigmatic/dark woman living in an old lighthouse?

I especially liked "pointless point".

Initially "stack" did seem a bit odd unless the lighthouse it itself built on a stack. However, industrial man made structures are described as stacks, so it maybe be fine really.

I found this a bit obcure..

"..the water's span,"

?

Okay the shipwrecked sailors skulls. Dark. I liked the ending.

If there are piles of skulls, it sounds like the Lighthouse Board would be asking questions about why the light is off.


Seth

[bodkin]

Thanks Peter, I'm thinking through the bra strap, I have another idea, the question is just how to phrase it fittingly...

Thanks Seth...

I thought I had heard "stack" used as a technical term for the construction of a lighthouse -- e.g. what some of them are is essentially a lot of huge blocks stacked up... but a web search for that finds only references to the South Stack Lighthouse and children's stacking toys. So I guess I was mistaking names-with-stack-in for phrases-with-stack-in, damn! If I can make it fit I might rephrase. OTOH, as you mentioned chimneys are called stacks, so... oh maybe it's OK?

"the water's span" -- oh! I thought it was clear enough... but I guess it is a sentence fragment. It's part of a list of the things you found when out in the boat, albeit that the rest of the list is things you didn't find. Is it any clear on a re-read?

Thanks all, will get to tweaking this when the moment seems apposite...

Ian

[Antcliff]

It's part of a list of the things you found when out in the boat, albeit that the rest of the list is things you didn't find. Is it any clear on a re-read?

Yeh. I just wonder if it would be better shifted to the next line to more clearly join the list at first read? May just be me.

Seth