Poetry Forum

Won't be sex,
or some worldly triumph.
You won't be the focus.

Cakes may feature. Or bikes.
The seaside is likely.
Or pea pods. Or ponds.

But not bleach, kitchen towel or tweezers?

I think I see what you are getting at, but not sure whether the happiest moment will have the same characteristics for everyone?

Right with you with the self not featuring, however.

Ian

not sure whether the happiest moment will have the same characteristics for everyone?

Thanks, Ian.
No, it is one of those five items...anything else = lesser state of bliss.

Seth

Two problems with this for me:

- the assertion that the happiest five minutes won't be sex (why not?)
- the seemingly haphazard list. While I like all of those things, with the possible exception of cakes and ponds, I can well imagine someone who doesn't like any of them but gets a real deep thrill from worldly triumphs.

In short, this seems like a homily, even though I suppose it's meant to be humorous. The poem really is the third line, but I think you need to rethink how you express this.

Thanks, K-J

Yes, quite right, I accept, guilty as charged: it is a shameless pond and peas homily.

Seth

Actually, I enjoy the dry humour of this.
The homily of slightly random preferences has a self-deprecating quality at the same time as re-emphasising 'You won't be the focus'. It is an escape from being too serious about stuff.
I think it quite clever.

Iain

IainMichaelBryan wrote:The homily of slightly random preferences has a self-deprecating quality at the same time as re-emphasising 'You won't be the focus'.
Iain

Ah, Iain, yes, yes, you have my intentions exactly...thanks.

Seth

Ian: I don't see the dry humour, or any kind of humour, i.e. laughter. I can see that it's meant to be light-hearted, but it's not an "escape from being too serious" given the title. The poem is saying "take the small things seriously". It's about seriousness, isn't it?

But it's still a homily. My point is that you're either saying that everyone's happiest 5 minutes will involve the kind of things you mention, or you're saying that your happiest 5 minutes involved those things. It seems to be the former, and I just think that's wrong - wrong in fact, and wrong of you to assert it. To me it comes across as preaching, as saying that your experience is better than that of, or a guide to, your readers. Maybe you're right that sex, discovery, love etc. are inferior to ponds. But you must say why. Succinctly, of course. Or, and better, just alter the title to "My" and line 3 to "I won't".

Thanks for returning K-J

To me it comes across as preaching

Yes, I entirely accept the criticism. It is too preachy.

Seth

hi Seth

I thought this was fun too, the play with randomness/focus, the self-absorbed pursuit of v the simplicity of the reality, and I like how the title/poem can provoke a range of response.

all the best

mac