When the girls have gone I think
once that dove has cleared the fence
like a plane on one propeller,
there will be silence and the weather at last to enjoy it
but soon I’m listening to a blackbird crooning
and behind that there are insects
and a stir of breeze in these leaves too
which amounts to the smallest of sounds,
but there’s something else,
a wash of traffic maybe
or pebbles far away in the sea shifting
in their tide of perfect blue,
or is it a small tree growing bark?
Or is it the sound at the very core of the world
that holds unlikely things together,
like glue, or longing?
Silences
This is very good, especially the small tree growing bark.
My only quibble is with the last three lines. I sort of think it works better without them. They seem to be returning us to a Paulo Coelho world where everything has to mean something - or to put it another way, I'm tempted to answer the last question with a cheery unsophisticated "no".
I think it is great at capturing (non) silences. I just wonder about the conclusion.
My only quibble is with the last three lines. I sort of think it works better without them. They seem to be returning us to a Paulo Coelho world where everything has to mean something - or to put it another way, I'm tempted to answer the last question with a cheery unsophisticated "no".
I think it is great at capturing (non) silences. I just wonder about the conclusion.
fine words butter no parsnips
I also like this a lot - up until the last three lines.
Mic
Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
OK - so I think the last line needs to be there as (on my interpretation -- having messed up the last poem of yours that I read) the longing ties back to the "girls" leaving. I am imagining weekend visit and the ensuing silence after they go.
So for me all that might need to go is
cheers
elph
So for me all that might need to go is
Liked the small tree, not entirely convinced with the dove (comparing to plane on one propeller suggests its wounded and I ask why?) or that blackbirds croon.steamboats wrote:at the very core of the world
cheers
elph
-
- Posts: 42
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 8:30 pm
I like this a great deal, it has that feel of something that flowed into place enjoyably.
The dove 'like a plane with one propeller' makes perfect sense if taken metaphorically as the awkward movement of its' flight - they do clatter about a bit. I agree with Elph that maybe blackbirds don't croon - how about 'chittering' ?
I see the point about Pablo Coelho, but I still quite like the idea of something enigmatic in the background. Why not reduce the gravitas in the first of the last three lines to
'Or is it a sound at the core of the world' ?
Good stuff.
Iain
The dove 'like a plane with one propeller' makes perfect sense if taken metaphorically as the awkward movement of its' flight - they do clatter about a bit. I agree with Elph that maybe blackbirds don't croon - how about 'chittering' ?
I see the point about Pablo Coelho, but I still quite like the idea of something enigmatic in the background. Why not reduce the gravitas in the first of the last three lines to
'Or is it a sound at the core of the world' ?
Good stuff.
Iain
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Agree with others about the last 3 lines, though I think you need something, rather than ending at bark. I like the progression throughout.
Maybe some commas in first line:
When the girls have gone, I think,
Do blackbirds croon? Do they warble?
Maybe some commas in first line:
When the girls have gone, I think,
Do blackbirds croon? Do they warble?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.