Poetry Forum

You should know I'm my father’s son
in ways of devotion; anal-retention;
hugs of stern, straight-backed fixity;
steel nerves that fissure in silence
like china in draft-ridden halls.

And learn to see me as I am,
not held to the light: some suspect fiver,
sack of lust, veins, bones like buckled wheels
strewn in a yard. And play me by the notes
arrayed - these fraying strings, this bow.

I like the first 7 lines very much. Should it be draught-ridden, perhaps, though I can see how halls might be draft-ridden.
I'd have liked something like this

And learn to see me as I am,
not held to the light like some suspect
fiver, lust, veins and bones, buckled wheels
strewn in a yard.

Not keen on sack of lust, veins, bones - is the sack of lust only, or all three?
Not really sure what's inferred in the final sentence.

hi Luke,
Some effective descriptions and threading of sounds. I wasn't that keen on anal retention or sack of lust. Did enjoy the bones like buckled wheels and 'my father’s son in ways of devotion'. Perhaps the poem needs to breathe a little more to get away from the sense of reading a list...inventive though the images are.

all the best

mac

Hi Luke,
I liked much of this and the overall idea (if I have understood).

...but with Ray, I am not quite sure what is implied by the last line. Fraying strings? So the instrument of this monogamist needs a little work? I read this...in light of the title....as a refusal to take part in an affair? But I am not sure.

I especially liked fissuring in silence like china in halls. That image nicely brings in a sense of background propriety..who has china in halls these days!.

Seth

I enjoyed this powerful bit of venting, but I agree with the comments already made, particularly the observation by Mac that it 'needs to breathe' more. Otherwise it has the more oppressive sense of a rant, rather than an explanation of self, which is what I think you intend given the gentler, enigmatic last line.
Why would make the 'You' want to listen?

'bones like buckled wheels
strewn in a yard'

is my favourite.

All the best,

Iain

Like I always say, I look for an experience in a poem.
I feel I got this from your piece. Often we do not know
what we are experiencing until the experience has left
its residue in our veins. This is a poem that has done that.
I liked it. I will leave the microscopic analysis to the more qualified, and experienced
poets on this forum.

Hi Luke,

I'm enjoying your language here, as always, but I too am confused by your position.

I assume this is about monogamy as opposed to polygamy, say? You're pretty forcefully telling "you" he/she has to learn something, but I'm not clear what.

Sorry—

Jackie