Favour

[Richard]

Favour

Take this favour, son,
my thumb - its grape,
papaya sized within your grip.

Your touch is just a physical sign;
the well layered cloth
of skin and blood that builds
my heart walls, warms my gut.

The horizon curves behind
our line of sight, you turn
towards me, or the light above
my shoulder. I'm not sure which

so slowly hum for recognition
from you, see the same look
strangers get who make more noise
and have won a moment

they must give back
in a fragile cup
once warmed with milk.

A son's favour

My thumb’s grape,
papaya sized to him,
is in his grip.

These are only
physical signs, the well
layered cloth

of skin and blood;
builds up my heart,
warms my gut;

the horizon curve
behind our line of sight
as he turns towards

me, or the light
above my shoulder.
Who’s sure which?

The slow hum
as he recognises you
is the same look

he offers to strangers
who make more noise
and have won

a moment they must
give back in a fragile cup
once warmed with milk.

[1lankest]

This is wonderful.

I love the tenderness of the father's sentiments juxtaposed with the impartiality of the baby, the longing the parent has for the exclusive love of his offspring.

My only nit is with the first stanza, I had to read it three times to understand. 'My thumb's grape' is a slightly elusive image.

Otherwise, fab. I just love the last three stanzas.

Luke

[AnonymousPoet]

I loved everything but:
Builds my heart and Warms my gut

Maybe a deeper set of metaphors?

[Richard]

Thanks Luke and Anon. I can see the problems you spy too. Will ponder...

Best

Richard

[steamboats]

I would like to respond to the tender poignancy of this but stanzas 2-4 are a problem for me.

I can't get to grip wi the section after 'cloth of skin and blood'. You have a semi colon then' builds up my heart warms my gut;' What builds up your heart? The cloth of skin? Then you have the horizon curve as part of the same structure. Are all these meant to be 'physical signs'? I find the structure here confusing but maybe it's just me. I can only think you didn't mean a semi colon after 'skin and blood'?

How can a 'slow hum' be 'the same look'?

Like the last two stanzas

[Richard]

I've had a go at being more direct with this. Thanks very much for the crits

[David]

The original is better, I think. (But I didn't comment on it then. Sorry about that.) A little obscure, of course, but not forehead-smackingly so. The revision teases things out without making them more attractive. I think!

Cheers

David