Poetry Forum

Lurking on the threshold...


Once more around the block; once more around
the Sun. The Universe remains all spun
up in its normal giddy gyre. It's time
to tire a little of the fray. Kick back,
relax, slay no more demons until the light
of new days breaks upon this lonely shore.
There's more, surely, to time than sequences?
More to life than wander/wondering
between the shaggy trees, where all say moss
grows only on the Northern face and thus,
everybody knows exactly which way is which
but when you wake tomorrow in the melting snow
you'll have no more a clue to where you want to go...

--

Just a quick one for New Year. Should old acquaintance bifurcate and all that!

I do like the concept,
I think to improve you could look at rhythm and rhyme, I'm not too sure if I'm with it.
I do like the big image produced by your sort of extra-terrestrial lexis
But without the little note at the bottom, I think the poetry might be over ambiguous.

Another nice New Year one. I think you and Ros had a mini-comp.

Some nice end-line plus next start-line internal rhymes.

More to life than wander/wondering
between the shaggy trees,

I like the fact that this embeds within a long wandering sentence.


Seth

Hi Ian,

Really enjoyed it.

No nits, other than that I would ditch 'kick back, relax' - I know intentionally so, but it is a little too familiar for me.

Love the previous line, could it look like this...

It's time
to tire a little of the fray, slay
no more demons until the light...

Luke

Yay, I like a good gyre poem.

bodkin wrote:There's more, surely, to time than sequences?

And that's a great, very thought-provoking line.

I enjoyed this, and similar salutations to you.

David

I like the concept, but I would consider ending the stanza before the rhetorical question.
Also, rephrase the question too.

Ian,

I liked this and enjoyed it more ad more very time I read it. I continuously tripped on

upon this lonely shore.

Until that it seemed fresh and catchy. Good rhythm, I thought.


Happy New Year!
Suzanne