Poetry Forum

Lips like a straight edge.
Glossy eyes; almost high.
Silent type,

Doesn't say much,
Quite, concise; mostly.

Emotional.
But I can’t tell you why,
Looks like, life in a barrel

Closed sky, encircled
Blue ceiling.
Puffs of white drifting by.

Puffs of smoke, headphones:
Listing to songs from before my time.

Hi

I rather liked this line..

Looks like, life in a barrel

Hope that the comma is redundant and you are saying thay they look like life is a barrel?

Wonder why there a comma here?

Quite, concise

Not sure. Should it be "listening"?

Listing to songs from before my time.

Seth

Antcliff wrote:Hi

I rather liked this line..

Looks like, life in a barrel

Hope that the comma is redundant and you are saying thay they look like life is a barrel?

Wonder why there a comma here?

Quite, concise

Not sure. Should it be "listening"?

Listing to songs from before my time.

Seth

Some really good points, thank you. I definitely need to revise.

I suppose the title was fair warning but this comes across as not much more than a narcissistic poem. It's not bad writing although I don't think it's especially interesting or fun either. I do like "quite concise, mostly", the mostly is quite funny. And I dig the note of irony in "emotional".

I think until the last two lines the poem still has the potential to say something striking, but it just seems to disappear into nothingness. Listening to songs before your time, OK, but so what? Don't lots of people do that? By itself it doesn't seem to say very much.

Perhaps what it would benefit from is some strong negative, some harsh self-criticism to deflect the charge of vacant navel-gazing.

I like this. I think the ending is suitably downbeat, disparaging. You do mean listening to songs...?
The best bit

Emotional.
But I can’t tell you why,
Looks like, life in a barrel

Quite, concise; mostly. - I wondered if you meant Quiet.