Edited:
I found a frozen lizard on my walk
at the red mud edge of a Devon lane.
Intact and unspotted by crows and rooks,
lying hidden and dirty by the drain.
Bending down I saw life might yet exist,
stunned to stillness by unexpected chill.
I curled my hand around it, stuffed my fist
into my coat and walked on up the hill.
As we neared a half mile I felt movement,
just slight but certain as the lizard warmed
in the smother of the woollen garment.
Another half mile and the reptile squirmed,
so on a sunny rock I set it free.
I recall you once did the same for me.
Original:
I found a frozen lizard on the road
at the muddy edge of a country lane.
Intact and untaken by rooks or crows.
Small and brown, hidden in dirt by the drain.
I bent down and saw life might yet exist,
stunned to stillness by unexpected chill.
I curled my hand around it, stuffed my fist
into my coat and walked on up the hill.
As we neared a half mile I felt movement,
just slight but certain as the lizard warmed
in the smother of the woollen garment.
Another half mile and the lizard squirmed,
so on a sunny rock I set it free.
I recall you once did the same for me.
Spring lizard
Last edited by Marc on Thu Mar 26, 2015 4:20 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Good poem.
I think the octet suffers just a bit from having all the sentences ending on line-ends. It feels very regimented with the full stops at the ends of lines 2, 3, 4, 6 and 8. Actually the same goes for the sestet. If you could just somehow push one or two of those full stops into a mid-line I think the piece would flow better.
"Rooks or crows" - to my ear "rook or crow" is more natural here. Also, are rooks and crows different enough to warrant both being mentioned? (I thought rooks were a species of crow but I could be wrong). Rook seems like it's there as filler and could be replaced by an adjective for crow or whatever else you want.
Line 6 is a bit awkward. Next two lines are good.
"As we neared a half mile" - I'd prefer a place here like home or the bus stop or something - or "after 15 minutes". Or even "after about a mile". All these just seem that bit more natural to me. Then you'd have to alter "another half mile" too of course.
I like "movement" / "garment". And agree with Peter about the ending, surprising and very effective.
I think the octet suffers just a bit from having all the sentences ending on line-ends. It feels very regimented with the full stops at the ends of lines 2, 3, 4, 6 and 8. Actually the same goes for the sestet. If you could just somehow push one or two of those full stops into a mid-line I think the piece would flow better.
"Rooks or crows" - to my ear "rook or crow" is more natural here. Also, are rooks and crows different enough to warrant both being mentioned? (I thought rooks were a species of crow but I could be wrong). Rook seems like it's there as filler and could be replaced by an adjective for crow or whatever else you want.
Line 6 is a bit awkward. Next two lines are good.
"As we neared a half mile" - I'd prefer a place here like home or the bus stop or something - or "after 15 minutes". Or even "after about a mile". All these just seem that bit more natural to me. Then you'd have to alter "another half mile" too of course.
I like "movement" / "garment". And agree with Peter about the ending, surprising and very effective.
Ha ha ha.Arian wrote:How long did you stay on the rock?
fine words butter no parsnips
Nice piece. Gentle. Very nice.
I wonder about replacing "the lizard" in line 10 with a pronoun: it changes the stress count but quickens the pace, and I don't think doing so risks ambiguity.
As the others have noted, the last line is great. It comes as a complete surprise but not at the cost of being gratuitously so, and it links beautifully with the care shown the wee beastie.
Ken
Edit: Added missing line reference in second paragraph.. Oops. Sorry.
I wonder about replacing "the lizard" in line 10 with a pronoun: it changes the stress count but quickens the pace, and I don't think doing so risks ambiguity.
As the others have noted, the last line is great. It comes as a complete surprise but not at the cost of being gratuitously so, and it links beautifully with the care shown the wee beastie.
Ken
Edit: Added missing line reference in second paragraph.. Oops. Sorry.
Last edited by elotrooso on Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Thanks all - valid comments. Will think about the full stops and amend. Also the pronoun issue - good call. (Now edited thanks)
Re rooks and crows - K.J, you're right: rooks are a member of the crow family - but differ from the carrion crow (usually just called a crow). Rooks have a bigger beak, white base at the back of the beak (when mature) and shaggy trousers! And of course are gregarious - living in rookeries - whereas crows, like ravens, live in pairs. Hence the old country saying "If it's a rook it's a crow; if it's crows it's rooks"! More than you needed to know I'm sure...
The use of two black birds connected with death and depression is deliberate (as opposed to a magpie for example) to hint at the subtext. I could just use raven but that's a bit too obvious - and more unlikely perhaps.
Hmm...
Thanks,
Marc
Re rooks and crows - K.J, you're right: rooks are a member of the crow family - but differ from the carrion crow (usually just called a crow). Rooks have a bigger beak, white base at the back of the beak (when mature) and shaggy trousers! And of course are gregarious - living in rookeries - whereas crows, like ravens, live in pairs. Hence the old country saying "If it's a rook it's a crow; if it's crows it's rooks"! More than you needed to know I'm sure...
The use of two black birds connected with death and depression is deliberate (as opposed to a magpie for example) to hint at the subtext. I could just use raven but that's a bit too obvious - and more unlikely perhaps.
Hmm...
Thanks,
Marc
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Hi Marc,
A similar point to k-j's except it was the repeated "I"'s at the start of the lines that I most noticed.
However once I got into the end section the poem carried me away and I stopped thinking about nit-picking.
Enjoyed indeed.
Ian
A similar point to k-j's except it was the repeated "I"'s at the start of the lines that I most noticed.
However once I got into the end section the poem carried me away and I stopped thinking about nit-picking.
Enjoyed indeed.
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/
Thanks Ian - valid point: have addressed,
Cheers,
Marc
Cheers,
Marc
Very much liked the clarity and stucture of this. One thing threw me a little on first reading 'unspotted' an image of not having spots, immaculate came into mind before I realised what you meant. I prefer your original adjective. A very pleasant read.
Regards, C.
Regards, C.
Enjoyed the poem, but agree with k-j on the questionable need of both to deliver the same message. Why not just say carrion crow? Or at least tweak to stop the reader questioning the combo amd taking them away from the poem. Liked the concluding reveal too.The use of two black birds connected with death and depression is deliberate
all the best
mac