All too briefly

[Antcliff]

Now the rainbow
dips to the distant crofthouse,

colours hovering over the roof,
not touching, but blessing,

like the hand of a Pope here
from his splendid palace,

and gone by the time I,
like some scribe of his retinue,

scribbling in description,
finish this sentence of praise.

[elotrooso]

I wondered about breaking line 5 after Pope; it would seem to leave the hand hovering a little more and perhaps picks up on the blessing of the previous line a bit more. It also seems to concentrate the 'here' from his splendid palace.

(Or not...just a thought.)

In any event a nice sketch oof evanescence.

Ken

[Macavity]

It also seems to concentrate the 'here' from his splendid palace.

Perhaps that's the intention Ken - bringing the focus on here as opposed to there to reinforce the sense of distance. Distances - real, creative, those enforced by time, - was for me a central theme of the poem. The poem reminded me of themes in Keats' Ode On A Grecian Urn. The emphatic opening Now, a marker that the moment will pass and so will its beauty. I thought the sense of movement was captured in the bird analogy - though hovering I associate with birds of prey.

Now the rainbow
dips to the distant crofthouse,..........................like the dips/distant, croft/colours, house/hovering, rain/roof sound plays - not intrusive, seamless

colours hovering over the roof,.........................like sense of eye movement from rainbow/house/roof
not touching, but blessing,................................I like how this reflects a different kind of distance

The use of the word blessing leads naturally into the similes. For me the similes again suggest a certain amount of distance from the actuality. This is a blessing from the sky/nature/God and the Pope is 'trapped' in the 'splendour' of a man made creation that cannot compare to the crofthouse in this light - that's how I saw it anyway. The poet by placing himself in the Pope's retinue is ironically 'belittling' his position - the poet is a mere scribe scribbling a description and can never trully capture the moment in words. Lovely use of scribbling in that context and very much like the placing of time/I. The title nicely fits into the expression - the sentence - and the passing moment. The use of comma allowed me to pace my reading of the poem with the appropriate pauses.

all the best

mac

[Elphin]

I do like this one Seth - the distant croft house gives a strong sense of place and the Pope from his Palace hints at the ostentatious and is a strong contrast to the humble croft which is of course made "godly" by the natural wonder of the rainbow and not by the man made religion ..... ooh have I gone all Pseud's Corner!

One line stands out (as in not quite in keeping)

colours hovering over the roof

Why is that, I think it gets in the way of "dips" and "not touching but blessing". I think those lines would be stronger running together. Also hovering for me introduces a sense of movement whereas a rainbow appears static. Not sure I am explaining very well, buts its the only line I hesitated on.

cheers

elph

[ray miller]

Very nice, Seth. I like not touching, but blessing.

scribbling in description, - maybe you could introduce a sense of haste, or does scribbling do that? Maybe.

like the hand of a Pope here - I don't much like here stuck on the end either. The here...and gone would be accentuated if it started the next line. Perhaps.

[1lankest]

Hi Seth,

Great to read you again.

Loved this.

I wondered if you need 'distant' in line two? It gives a whimsical tone that the poem (gladly) doesn't carry through.

I would also drop the comma after palace - the line break does the job.

Perhaps an alternative to 'scribbling' - to me it clashes with 'scribe' and 'description'. Perhaps 'scrambling'?

Luke

[Antcliff]

Thanks very much, Ken

I wondered about breaking line 5 after Pope

Yes, I went back n forth over that before I posted. May have gone the wrong way.

Thanks very much, Luke

I wondered if you need 'distant' in line two? It gives a whimsical tone that the poem (gladly) doesn't carry through.

Hmm. Not sure.

I would also drop the comma after palace - the line break does the job.

Yeh, tempting idea.

Perhaps an alternative to 'scribbling' - to me it clashes with 'scribe' and 'description'. Perhaps 'scrambling'?

Yeh, good idea too. I don't need a repeat and "scrambling" is a nice fit.

Thanks Ray

scribbling in description, - maybe you could introduce a sense of haste, or does scribbling do that? Maybe.

Yeh, may go with Luke's "scrambling" or maybe "scrabbling".

like the hand of a Pope here - I don't much like here stuck on the end either. The here...and gone would be accentuated if it started the next line. Perhaps.

Yeh, you and Ken may well be right. Pondering.

Thanks Elph

Not sure I am explaining very well

You did. Spot on. It has to go. may go for "holding" or "hanging".


Thank very much, Mac, for these very extensive and helpful comments.

Perhaps that's the intention Ken - bringing the focus on here as opposed to there to reinforce the sense of distance. Distances - real, creative, those enforced by time, - was for me a central theme of the poem.

I suppose I was isolating "here" to make for an emphasising contrast...here!! Still, it does seem to be a distraction for Ken and Ray, maybe more loss than gain. Pondering, still. And the comma...which was indeed there to pace. I do like "scribbling" but I think either it or "scribe" has to go. Maybe "scribe" might be better replaced. Hmm.

Thanks all, as ever
Seth

[David]

Yes, I was struck by both the placing of "here" and the "scribe / scribbling" issue. So, very 'umbly, I propose this:

Now the rainbow
dips to the distant crofthouse,

colours hovering over the roof,
not touching, but blessing,

like the hand of a Pope
here,

from his splendid palace,
and gone by the time I,

like some scribe of his retinue,
finish this sentence of praise.

No? Thought not. Nevertheless ...

David

[Antcliff]

Tempting idea, David. Thanks.

I have havered over the placement of "here", on the line, at the start of the next. This may be better.

No?

It might be "yes".


Seth

[Ros]

Think I'd prefer

like the hand of a Pope,
here from his splendid palace,

[Elphin]

Liking David's suggestion .... just thought I would say.

elph