Cloud Shop/V2

[Antcliff]

Stock floats in,
floats out.
Hard to package.
Hard to get on the scales.

Fluffiness is all illusion.
They're much like cheese,
except for appearance,
taste and weight.

Occasionally emit harp sounds.
Sustainably wind powered.
Available in grey and white.
Inspected by geese.

No delivery. Sometimes
they self-deliver.
Can cause damp.
Silver linings. Possibly.




....................
v1

Stock floats in,
floats out.
Hard to package.
Hard to get on the scales.

Fluffiness is all illusion.
They're much like cheese,
except for appearance,
taste and weight.

Occasionally emit harp sounds.
Sustainably wind powered.
Available in grey and white.
Inspected by geese.

If yours breaks down
ring 0976 8564 33222
98967 432258547878,
ask for the West Wind.

No delivery. Sometimes
they self-deliver.
Can cause damp.
No silver linings.

[elotrooso]

What fun. Brought a definite smile.

[Arian]

A nicely pessimistic, not to say cynical, tone to this, Seth - amusing and clever in equal measure. Loved the last stanza especially.

Hard to perform because of s4, but not a problem on the page. Enjoyed it a lot.

Cheers
Peter

[Ros]

Fun. Think I'd prefer it without v4. You could make the last line more subtle - usually sold unlined, or some such?

Ros

[JJWilliamson]

Nice one, Peter

A bit of a lark methinks.

Stock floats in, ...Smiled at 'stock'
floats out.
Hard to package.
Hard to get on the scales. ...great opening strophe.

Fluffiness is all illusion.
They're much like cheese,
except for appearance,
taste and weight. ...not like cheese at all in fact.

Occasionally emit harp sounds. ...Yip, I get the harp sounds now. I never said I was quick.
Sustainably wind powered.
Available in grey and white.
Inspected by geese.

If yours breaks down
ring 0976 8564 33222
98967 432258547878, ...Is there any relevance to the long number or is it just a bit of daftness?
ask for the West Wind.

No delivery. Sometimes
they self-deliver.
Can cause damp.
No silver linings.

I like the close and Ros' suggestion.

Best

JJ

[bodkin]

Fun. Think I'd prefer it without v4. You could make the last line more subtle - usually sold unlined, or some such?

Ros

Ooo, what she said about the last line!

Ian

[David]

Wonderful. I like the last line as it is. But Ros and Ian don't. A quandary!

(I'm right.)

Cheers

David

[Mark101]

How original and very clever, made me laugh but just for my 2 penneth worth, I do prefer the change to the last line, if only because the original line is not always true, OK I know there was lots that's not true, but up until then it had a quite light feel to it and then the last line brought it down, for me at least.

Thanks
Mark

[Macavity]

hi Seth

Enjoyed this one too. Agreed the numbers are a one-stop gimmick and the poem survives the second read better without out them. No issue with the concluding line since it retained the tone of the rest.

all the best

mac

[ray miller]

Definitely be rid of 4th verse. I like the last line. You do whimsy very well.

[Arian]

I like the last line as it is.

et moi. Two-all.

[Antcliff]

Thanks very much Peter, Mac, Ray, David, Mark, Elotrooso, Ian, Ros, JJ.

Very helpful.

I see opinion moved against stanza 4.

I have also shifted the ending. Peter interesting suggested that there was an element of cynicism. That made me ponder because I had not intended to be offering anything cynical. So despite the 2/2 vote, I am tweaking the ending.

Seth

[Mark101]

Hi Seth,

Just had a little revisit after you revision, Perfection achieved I'd say

Mark

[bodkin]

Still very nice and yes, I think the revision has been worthwhile...

Iam

[Arian]

Peter interesting suggested that there was an element of cynicism.

Maybe cynical was too strong. Realism, maybe. I suppose the lines I was reacting to (apart from the general tone) was the last one (obviously) and the one about fluffiness/illusion. It struck me as a metaphor for don't get your hopes up - life is harder (less fluffy) than it appears. Or something.

Like the new end, though
Cheers
peter

[Katherine]

Very clever, amusing read.
x

[Antcliff]

Ah good. Thanks Katherine, Mark, Ian, Peter! Good to know about the new ending, Thanks for returning on the "cynicism" point as well, Peter.

Seth

[Ros]

I like the rewrite - to me the overall tone feels more consistent now, and it feels serious as well as being whimsical. 'get on the scales' just feels a little clunky, possibly - balance, or fit, or something? Possibly I'm slightly misinterpreting the get as the narrator getting on. Probably just me. Will shut up now.

Ros

[Antcliff]

ta, Ros...thank for returning.

I see what you mean about that line.

[Jackie]

Would you send me your catalogue, please?

Jackie

[Antcliff]

Would you send me your catalogue, please?

Jackie

In the post, Jackie! Along with the catalogue of beds made from cakes!

Seth

[Arian]

I won't be buying anything that isn't (doubly) silver lined...

[David]

Yes, good revision. Very good.