Poetry Forum

'Cross only when the green light shows.
if no light, proceed with caution.'

Occasionally, though it's clear,
I don't proceed but linger
behind the warning sign,
listen for the rumble
of the track, corner the bend

with my gaze as if to pull
it back into view. Here,
at the parabola’s end, I
picture the wasp-head
of the train coursing steel,
splitting

the moist May air
like an eel through water
until, inexorably,
it noses through
the bridge-arch door
that divides this world from that.

Liked it, especially the ending. I'd question whether you need the 2 line preamble. Perhaps the title suffices.

listen for the rumble
of the track, corner the bend - do you need of the track?

Likewise, May and inexorably.

Cheers Ray,

Agree with your edits although I'm undecided about the track, I think it's needed for sound and metre purposes.

Luke

Ambitious images and diction Luke. In particular the wasp-head was striking. bend/pull/through/linger are all effectively placed. Not much I would change to be honest and certainly not felt strongly enough to suggest changes.

enjoyed

all the best

mac

Also liked it. Wasp head very apt-not so sure about the eel simile, train not that undulant, eel far less constrained than the train (apols for the rhyme there). Agree with you about track. An effective piece of writing.
regards, C.

O yes, liked this a lot, Luke. Especially the ending. Striking.

I see what C means about the eel, yes. And yet there is something appealing about the comparison. The train does not have the movement of an eel, but it has something of the shape and is led by the head...and maybe....has a certain (illusory) muscular quality. Hmm. Not sure quite why I like it, but I think I do.

Seth

Cheers C, Seth,

Eel or not t'eel?

Thanks for feedback, glad you both liked it. Will ponder the eel but I think I like it at this point.

Luke

as per the other comments

leave "track" in there cos as someone else said it adds to the character in the piece it gives it time and distance as well as a sound effect. I also agree in that the preamble should be lost --- there's no need for it - the title and the main main body of the poem as written carry it perfectly - you didn't need to spoil such a really nice piece.

the ending just adds to it and gives your poem a really nice send off

a very agreeable read

donna

Hiya Luke. I really liked the quote below, I had the thought that the idea could be inserted into a poem specifically written for it.
The imagery led me to thinking about if the summer heat was there and the train was splitting the "heat haze like "water."
Your idea here did it for me luke, really nice.

PS, I thought "coursing steel" could be deleted.

I picture the wasp-head
of the train coursing steel,
splitting

the moist May air
like an eel through water

I'd keep the simile but change the fish.
I don't like eels much and they wriggle like crazy when hooked, almost turning themselves inside out.
There's something sinister about the eel, something unpalatable that makes me squirm. It's as if they're
not to be trusted. Sounds like the train network to me . Whales propel themselves at a deceptive speed,
quite often appearing out of nowhere. These massive creatures also lead by the head, scything through water
like a train through air. The buffeting effect is noticeable. Just thinkin'.

Best

JJ

Yes, really nice, Luke.

ray miller wrote:I'd question whether you need the 2 line preamble.

Me too. I think you can start without that, in media res. Or track.

I like rumble, but it's the rumble of the train, really, isn't it? So down the track instead?

behind the warning sign - does beyond make that sense of transgression clearer?

Not sure about parabola - is that what it is?

the train coursing steel - something seems not quite right about that, although it sounds great.

Definitely keep May, but I'm not so sure about inexorably - is there enough of a sense of speed and suddenness about it?

I like both wasp-head and eel, but - if you think about it, which perhaps I shouldn't - you get an eel with a wasp-head. Yet I think that's okay in the poem.

Here's my big problem, which may in fact not be a problem at all, just me being obtuse:

it noses through
the bridge-arch door
that divides this world from that.

If I am visualising this correctly, the train doesn't go through that door, but pushes - or would push - you through it - no? Perhaps I'm being over-literal. Incidentally, losing the full stop after that might be effective.

Good poem, though!

Cheers

David