Poetry Forum

The Shag

I'd no need for the modifiers
once clung to, tucked them into pockets
of coats lying on the red attic floor.
I never wore those shoes
or the dress, never danced.
I assume you sketched my outline
onto your memory, maybe it hurt
like they say tattoos do, every little poke
adding to the sum of the whole.
Accuracy no longer matters, so I hope
you made me more than I am.
Remember me eager, remember me happy-
but even these things will skew over time.

It was the act of loving that makes you
unforgettable. And though
I'd put down my pen for a paint brush,
"Every day for the rest of my life."
seemed too long a time not to
indulge these lonely modifiers,
just a little.








.

Ha! Enjoyed that, Suzanne. A defence of modifiers....that we are always told to cut....o let us use them once on a while. Not merely a carpet, but a shag one, maybe even a scarlet shag one. Let us all madly run through the meadow, modifiers crammed into our pockets. Let us recall, but now be free of the stern anti-modifier!

Nice blending of the modifier theme with an urge for passionate living.

you made me more than I am.

Can you be more than you are? Not strictly, but I liked that line. It combines the urge to declare that you are more....but also less. Has a kind of conflicted quality.

Seth

hi Suzanne

I know they are intentional, but I'd like to cut one or two of them ...the shag in the title...the red in the attic...just to tone down a little On the other hand perhaps you could sprinkle a few more elsewhere....

I assume you sketched my outline

Can hear the bile in the words!

all the best

mac

Hi Suzzane,

I really enjoyed this, apart from the 'remember me' bit. It seems rather cliched in an otherwise rich, original piece.

Luke

It's got pockets, shoes, a shag and a poke, so it must be a Suzanne poem. I like this line - so I hope you made me more than I am.

coats laying - reminds me of chickens - lying or laid might be preferable

these lonely modifiers, - I'd cut these words

Hi suzanne

love it

it's got a sarcastic tone to it, almost like it's saying "you used to be like that and now you're not" - the paintbrush instead of the pencil, almost that the pencil is a reject which wasn't good enough

it's got an underlying sadness to it - a fragility - the shoes that never got worn and the dress and the coat like it was expected that they would be but didn't quite make the grade.

in terms of composition for me it's all there, it's reads well and makes sense apart from "shag" in the title and the colour "red" on the attic floor. Thepiece wouldn't have been damaged by losing these two things but it's your choice

Thank you Seth, you make everything sound such fun. Very appealing quality to you. This was the first poem for months i am glad you enjoyed it. I like to think i can be remembered as more than i am. Skew the memory in my favor, i won't mind. Passionate loving. Yes. It is not for everyone. Life is shorter everyday.

Mac and blackpanther, i have been pondering my repsonse for a few days. Edited assume into hope changed it back. Took out shag and red and put them back. I was taken back by the idea of bile and sacrasm as that was not intetended at all. I can see how you have read it as such though. But poetry has a quality of its own -and it has chemistry with the reader's experiences to give the words meaning. You have heard the words as you tranlated them and that is actually rather exciting. Black and blue or white and gold? I think it was the word assume that tipped it into a negative slant. I decided to leave it anyways.

Black, thank you for your other kind comments and taking the time. Thanks for noting the fraility in it.
And mac, thank you for your supportive comments too. Appreciate it.
Luke, i think it just works here even though well worn, i like thw rhythm of it and perhaps even the cliche of it.
Love is same old same old, we have all felt those cliches.

Shag carpet is what i grew up with in the USA and it was in the attic, scarlet carries some connotations i liked, and having red in the poem tied it to the title. I think shag with its double meaning was okay with me too.


Thanks ray, i only left out moss, eh? Lol. And the color pink and ....

Thank you.
Warmly,
Suzanne

Hi Suzanne,

This is lovely, and clever, but can't say I completely understand it.

In particular, what are "the modifiers"? Specifically the ones in the title?

Just scanning other people's replies...

I do not read any sarcasm or bile in this. For me it is melancholy, a memory of of something that was happy at the time, and while maybe a little bitter now, only a little and possibly more "wearied" would be the word.

Yes, of course you can be remembered as more than you were. You could even at the time be perceived as more than you ever were.

I, as you know, am often happy with extra verbiage. We need to balance the simple values of sparseness with the somewhat more ambiguous virtues of richness, excess, lavishness...

Ian

p.s. not so very expert on carpets, and so am not totally aware what it is sets a "shag" carpet apart from others. Assuming no sea birds sewn into it, I have an impression that it is quite a thick carpet? Maybe moderately luxurious without being "fancy" -- am I anywhere near?

Thank you, Ian. This was the first poem i had written for months! I seriously wondered if i had it in me.... I am glad you liked it.

The modifiers are those words I am prone to spinkling generously through my poetry. Yes, this is a poem about writing poetry. And this N is an awful lot like me....

I growing up on the US, shag only meant a type of furry carpet. And having uncles that were carpet layers by trade, it seems i heard the word often. Though I usually modify my poems to my small, mostly Brisitsh PG audience, lol, i opted to let the audience bend with me this time. The carpet was shag, scarlet red and in the attic. Sometimes there is no metaphor, though sometimes the metaphor is hidden and not acknowledged directly by the poet.

Poetry is fantastically malleable and exciting, i'd like to say it is alive but it might sound silly.

I am glad you heard no bile, you were pretty close in interpretation. But the various meanings readers take away makes it fun, too.

A lover of definitions:

Shag (fabric) - Wikipedia
A shag is a rug or carpet that has a deep pile, giving it a shaggy appearance. Carpet rakes help remove dirt and restore a uniform appearance. In recent years ...


Warmly,
Suzanne

the sarcasm in this piece is infered.

You picked up and look at the the unused shoes, dress and coat - never likely to be worn, like they were a waste and a memory of what could/should and might have been.

donna

Glad you got this poem to a point where you're happy with it