Poetry Forum

At the back bedroom window,
the eldest watches as dad
ties a rope-swing to the elm.

She clocks the tree’s bone-white roots,
good footholds for the scramble up the slope,

and imagines the view again,
the way it stretches across the valley
into small tree-topped rumps of mountain.

The little ones giggle
and squabble next door,
jeans rolled-up

to trample shirts and socks
in a knee-deep bath of water —
like making wine, mum tells them.

Later, when the rain stops,
the children will swing to their highest points
- and jump.







Original


At the back bedroom window,
the girl watches as father
ties a rope-swing to the elm.

She notes the tree’s bone-white roots,
good footholds for the scramble up the slope,

and imagines the view again,
the way it stretches across a valley
into small tree-topped rumps of mountain.

The little ones giggle
and squabble next door,
jeans rolled-up

to trample shirts and socks
in a knee-deep bath of water —
like making wine, mother tells them.

Later, when the rain stops,
the children swing to their highest points
- and jump.

The little ones giggle
and squabble next door,
jeans rolled-up

to trample shirts and socks
in a knee-deep bath of water -
like making wine, mother tells them.

Cute scene and I buy into the maternal manipulation that keeps the kids occupied...making 'mischief' fun.

all the best

mac

Nice poem, evocative, good line this

into small tree-topped rumps of mountain.

I prefer notes to clocks. Clocks, in this sense, brings to my mind wide boys, small-time hoodlums - but I had a chequered youth.

Nice memory . Really liked the ending.

I stumbled on clocks, too.

A nice poem that could be given as a gift.
Suzanne

Well, I kinda like clocks. But maybe spots, or simply sees? Notes definitely feels wrong to me. Children don't note.

B.

There's a 'fond-memory' feeling to it that I like, and the first half is particularly good. I'm agnostic on clocks, but can't help feeling that there's a more effective word, somewhere.

The title's a bit awkward, not to say clumsy, I'd say. Still, a nit - nice piece.

Cheers
peter

ray miller wrote:Clocks, in this sense, brings to my mind wide boys, small-time hoodlums

Agreed. Seems to be out of the wrong lexicon for the poem. Which I really like. (But I agree with Brian about notes as well.)

I like the title! It's cumbersome, but comfortable.

Jumping again, eh? The jump seems to be an important part of your personal metaphysics, Michaela. That seems perfectly sound to me. Something to do with memory, experience, life itself ... what did I leave out?

Cheers

David

enjoyed this a lot

painting pretty pictures of the sorts of things i used to do as a kiddie

well penned and well thought out

donna