Poetry Forum

Game Piece

She'd live as a cardboard cutout,
brass fastener at the elbow
and base of the neck-
to tip her head slightly
as if listening.

She'd smile.

She'd adjust her position
with the feminine precision,
secured in the mold she was given
when the game began.

Then, she'd simply stand
and watch herself lose.



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Original

She'd live as a cardboard cutout,
brass fastener at the elbow
and base of the neck-
to tip her head slightly
as if listening.

She'd smile.

She'd adjust her position
with the feminine precision
that was expected of her,
secured in the mold she was given
when the game began.

Then, she'd stand still and watch herself lose
until it was over.



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Nice. And punchier than your usual, more loquacious style. I like it a lot, especially the sparse, terse first stanza. I think you could lose few of the details from the second stanza: its first couplet is brilliant, I love the rhyme of position with precision, but I think that generates quite a lot of sardonic comedy on its own which is then diluted by the comment 'that was expected of her'. It is implied by the previous two lines and just seems like an unnecessary authorial intervention to me. Similarly you could trim the last couplet - 'lose' is surely communicated by the entire weight of the poem, and will gain in force by being unstated I think.

A pleasure as always, thanks for the read

What a great crit. Good insights.
Thank you.
I have edited.

Warmly,
Suzanne

I like the idea and I think the opening stanza is good. The 3rd stanza bothers me, it seems a bit vague. I'd have liked something on the lines of eventually being able to move to the correct square/position before the dice had stopped rolling.

Good point, i will think about that ray. Thanks.
Suzanne

Nice one. A good example of less is more, with the terser revision stronger than the original.

I loved the tipping head, Suzanne. Liked the whole, which had a nice dark humour to it. I could see N being moved around the board.

Seth

Thank you Alan and Seth.
Just a little poem. I appreciate tge replies.
Suzanne