Poetry Forum

Grass like skin, consealed by vibrant red
her soft body mangled
torn apart, white cream spilling from the wound
black eyes seem to see,
light glinting from the curvical shape
frozen smile done in pink,
below a delicate nose.

No blood, but dark patches on her skin
and dress.
she lays as if she has no spine,
she doesn't
her arms flung across her body
partly covering the spilling froth.
blue hair twisted above her head,
thick strands escaping.

perhaps she was beautiful for a moment,
till that dog got her

I picked up the body and placed it in the trash
ragdoll

I think that maybe you should re-title it 'Flummoxed', because I certainly was, right up to the end. I found myself struggling to build up a mental image as soon as I began reading, nothing seemed to fit together, and then...

I usually latch on to things like this fairly quickly, but not this time. Maybe it's New Year torpor (poor excuse).

The only suggestion I can make is leaving out 'many'; 'thick strands escaping' sounds fine to me.

Still feel like fool,

nice one.

is this about a ragdoll?

this is okay as a gedankeneksperiment but as a poem it does zilch for the reader.

I guess what matters is whether you enjoyed writing it.

I disagree with you here - I enjoyed reading it. What matters is the reader's taste - things would be really boring if we all shared the same tastes, safe but very boring.

I'll leave the thought experiments to the quantum physicists.

first of all, what does gedankeneksperiment mean?


thanx barrie, i sort of like the idea of confusing people and explaining it at the end, perhaps it's a bit mean but... the green skin probably was the most confusing, as far as i can see the rest was pretty much ragdoll, and perhaps the blue hair too...

forien laungages = foreign languages

You can't argue shit if you can't spell it.

Just a bug in the old english language, pisser really as old ray can be a twat, bless him.

Gedankenexperiment, means thought experiment - Einstein's favourite pastime. I think it was coined by Ernst Mach (him of mach1, etc), but I'm not sure.

cheers

hello.

The poem is very brave. I feel that the use of the colours is very good and insightful. Also the language is strong and fluent. However, i do agree that it is totally confusing.

confusing people until the end may seem like a good idea, but it isolates the reader, and makes them turn off to the other aspects of the poem. It seems to be too clever for all of us, and that can only be detrimental to the poem. As a 'gedankeneksperiment' it is a worthy try, but as a coherent piece, it remains somewhat flawed.

Thank you for your poem.

barrie wrote:I disagree with you here - I enjoyed reading it. What matters is the reader's taste - things would be really boring if we all shared the same tastes, safe but very boring.

I'll leave the thought experiments to the quantum physicists.

Come off it, it's not just about taste...I have an eclectic taste in music and poetry. I can switch from Mozart to Manson (personal Jesus, great!).

The fact is I find this prosaic, and am not the only one. Sure, I can be dishonest, and simply say I enjoyed reading it. Saying so, in no way helps the writer who wrote it.

Yesterday wrote:Ray Trivedi, i don't blame you for your taste, i know that poem was a bit random, thats okay
oh, but you like to pull that shit from everything, i've seen what you've been writing and you sound like some bored geek who can't write shit themselves - everyone is entiled to their opinion
don't get me wrong, i don't mind if you don't like the poem, i just think you're full of crap

Well, well! Let me give you a piece of advice, a critique of a poem is not a critique of the author. People who have a problem in distinguishing the two need to talk to someone about whatever the issues that need dealing with. For example, if a constructional engineer built a crap building, and you said it was crap, you would be helping that engineer to build a better building next time, and it is in no way saying that he or she in his or herself is crap. Compute?

If I wanted to say YOU are crap, I could have said so but that's not my intention, on the contrary, I am thinking of helping you in conveying your thoughts much better than you have here.

Easily bruised egos make shit writers, and that's not what I want from anybody on here. You got to know your arse from your elbow, and know that a comment on your writing is not a comment on your entire self.

An entertaining brain-twister that toys with the emotions.

I love the way
"she doesn't" and
"till that dog got her"
contrast so starkly with the general air of pathos that you build up.

Perhaps the final revelation that she was but a rag-doll could have been
more circuitous?
e.g mention the box she came in, or Doll's Hospital?
(This is no way a criticism . Just a suggestion....)

Cheers
Geoff

I agree with Bombadil on this one I think a very valid point has been mentioned,And that is and i quote "a critique of a poem is not a critique of the author".

I have wrote a few poems on here and a MAJORITY of them have been criticised to near death but i digress and continue to do what i enjoy and that is to write what i feel and learn to potray this in a art form of writing..

Good advice Bombadil,it's all easy to take offence if one receives a poor critique and it can be soul destroying,but i would much rather the truth than to be told otherwise.Because one day i might write a good one and when i get a good critique i know that it will be genuine.

Ok lecture over .

Tom.