Poetry Forum

She was the paradigm
Of night-nirvana with her
Hair like Medusa & her
Lips an unredeemable
Cardinal red ruin of salvation
& nocturnal emissions
In my beating beatitude
& inexpressible gratitude
Beyond desperation
For having faced her
Angel-face of a
Nigritudinous sphinx
Whose eyes mirrored
The piteous indifference

We were both solicitors
She knew and I knew
But we didn't admit it

She got stroppy when we
Disagreed on the figures
Of prosecution-execution

(Business is risky
But I have never
Been the one for
Unreasonable business
I am a diplomatic haggler)

I wanted to get out of her car
But she refused to do so
Without finalising the proceedings
So I told her that her business
Will not be easy when so
Many of my friends are around

Hello Ray,

it seems to be two different poems. The first stanza is far to clogged with intense powerful words. I am used to complicated poems, but there was a word in there that i had to look up. Maybe this is my bad, but i felt the poem was trying to hard to be clever 'beating beatitude' for example.

I also feel you need to use 'and' if you need the word at all.

The remainder of the poem is far superior. the second stanza is genius! really good!

your line breaks are excellent. 'i have never...been one' is a great example, though you don't need the 'but' as the flow here is somewhat disturbed.

the final stanza is very gritty, you don't need 'but' at the start of the second line, it disturbed my reading of it. Though, others may feel differently.

on the whole, i feel the first stanza needs work and the rest needs to be sifted for excess wordage and over complication.

The piece is insightful and original, hope this helps, and thank you.