Every night an angel appears with his
beatific broom and begins to clean up
the contemptible confession booth
shaking his head as he does so.
He is always at a loss to understand
what these mortals leave behind,
littering the floor, and splattering
on the walls of this tight space.
What disgusts him most, though,
is how they depart, convinced by the quack
who rules this space, dispensing absolution
like an ignorant pharmacist, that even
the stains have been removed.
(Please note: I am not Catholic and never have been. Nor have I ever been religious in any way!)
Stains
-
rossdalglish
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2015 3:20 pm
I like the way this uses a grumpy supernatural figure to poke fun at supernatural beliefs. It could probably be trimmed here and there but an interesting sort of poetic fable.
Cheers Mike.
RD
Cheers Mike.
RD
-
David Smedley
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 643
- Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Agree with your first reader that the piece could be trimmed.
More importantly though is that the piece does not read like a poem to me.
You are telling way more than showing and it grates.
The piece is dead language (for me) because it employs no discernible poetic devices. You can look these (poetic devices) up on the internet to get a feel for how many there are.
What is a "beatific broom?"
The last line reads like a sentence fragment, "stains" removed from what.?
quack
who rules this space, dispensing absolution
like an ignorant pharmacist
I found the comparison quite effective.
If the "angel" is the voice of the poem it seems odd that it doesn't have faith.
Hope this view helps in some way Mike..
More importantly though is that the piece does not read like a poem to me.
You are telling way more than showing and it grates.
The piece is dead language (for me) because it employs no discernible poetic devices. You can look these (poetic devices) up on the internet to get a feel for how many there are.
What is a "beatific broom?"
The last line reads like a sentence fragment, "stains" removed from what.?
quack
who rules this space, dispensing absolution
like an ignorant pharmacist
I found the comparison quite effective.
If the "angel" is the voice of the poem it seems odd that it doesn't have faith.
Hope this view helps in some way Mike..
Last edited by David Smedley on Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I quite like the beatific broom, although I wouldn't expect to find it in your average hardware store. You may be overdoing the editorial voice with contemptible , and you definitely are with the very preachy final verse, although I quite like dispensing absolution / like an ignorant pharmacist too.
I like the idea, but you could be a little more subtle with it.
Cheers
David
I like the idea, but you could be a little more subtle with it.
Cheers
David
-
HenryBones
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 91
- Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2014 8:02 pm
Hi Mike,
An interesting conceit, with some suggestive descriptions, though like David I think some of the language isn't working (though I don't agree that the piece is un-poetic). The first stanza was pretty flat - I don't think 'beatific' and 'contemptible' are contributing much and I personally found all those alliterative bs and cs in lines two and three off-putting, and would consider trying some more suggestive modifiers. 'Contemptible' in particular gives the game away, as though you have already decided the emotional tenor of the poem and we just have to go along with it. I had similar reservations about 'disgusts' at the start of the third stanza, which also feels quite heavy-handed. Sandwiched between that I thought the second stanza was very good, and liked the half rhyme of 'understand' and 'behind' and the internal echoes in 'littering the floor, and splattering'.
I hope some of that is of use to you,
Thanks for the read
An interesting conceit, with some suggestive descriptions, though like David I think some of the language isn't working (though I don't agree that the piece is un-poetic). The first stanza was pretty flat - I don't think 'beatific' and 'contemptible' are contributing much and I personally found all those alliterative bs and cs in lines two and three off-putting, and would consider trying some more suggestive modifiers. 'Contemptible' in particular gives the game away, as though you have already decided the emotional tenor of the poem and we just have to go along with it. I had similar reservations about 'disgusts' at the start of the third stanza, which also feels quite heavy-handed. Sandwiched between that I thought the second stanza was very good, and liked the half rhyme of 'understand' and 'behind' and the internal echoes in 'littering the floor, and splattering'.
I hope some of that is of use to you,
Thanks for the read
-
JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Mike, there's a lot to enjoy here but I think you've overcooked the meat.
I don't think your disclaimer is helping the poem at all and you've given far too much away in S1. There's a great opportunity here
to let the reader decide for him/herself. Allow me to decide if it's contemptible or disgusting. Try not to tell me it is. The angel
put me in mind of Ozymandias. Different, but I still thought of it and how Shelley shows us what's there, allowing us to realize the
absurdity of the Great King's words.
As others have said, a haircut could work wonders: (EG only)
Every night an angel appears with his
beatific broom and begins to sweep
the dark confession booth
shaking his head as he does so.
He is always at a loss to understand
what these sinners leave behind, ...We know that people are mortal. The angel would see their souls as immortal and it is the soul that's being scraped methinks.
littering the floor, and splattering ...What could be littering the floor in a confessional box? I don't understand how the walls would be splattered and why the angel's broom would be relevant. Are they metaphors for sin, perhaps? Can't be sure.
the walls of this tight space. ...Not sure you need 'on'.
What interests him most, though,
is how they depart, convinced by the priest ...Let the reader decide if he's a quack.
who nods in this space, dispensing absolution
like a weary pharmacist, that all ...covers a multitude of sins.
the stains have been removed. ...A super reference to the stain of sin.
This would give you:
Every night an angel appears with his
beatific broom and begins to sweep
the dark confession booth
shaking his head as he does so.
He is always at a loss to understand
what these sinners leave behind,
littering the floor, and spattering
the walls of this tight space.
What interests him most, though,
is how they depart, convinced by the priest
who nods in this space, dispensing absolution
like a weary pharmacist, that all
the stains have been removed.
Well, that's my take on a great subject.
Best
JJ
I don't think your disclaimer is helping the poem at all and you've given far too much away in S1. There's a great opportunity here
to let the reader decide for him/herself. Allow me to decide if it's contemptible or disgusting. Try not to tell me it is. The angel
put me in mind of Ozymandias. Different, but I still thought of it and how Shelley shows us what's there, allowing us to realize the
absurdity of the Great King's words.
As others have said, a haircut could work wonders: (EG only)
Every night an angel appears with his
beatific broom and begins to sweep
the dark confession booth
shaking his head as he does so.
He is always at a loss to understand
what these sinners leave behind, ...We know that people are mortal. The angel would see their souls as immortal and it is the soul that's being scraped methinks.
littering the floor, and splattering ...What could be littering the floor in a confessional box? I don't understand how the walls would be splattered and why the angel's broom would be relevant. Are they metaphors for sin, perhaps? Can't be sure.
the walls of this tight space. ...Not sure you need 'on'.
What interests him most, though,
is how they depart, convinced by the priest ...Let the reader decide if he's a quack.
who nods in this space, dispensing absolution
like a weary pharmacist, that all ...covers a multitude of sins.
the stains have been removed. ...A super reference to the stain of sin.
This would give you:
Every night an angel appears with his
beatific broom and begins to sweep
the dark confession booth
shaking his head as he does so.
He is always at a loss to understand
what these sinners leave behind,
littering the floor, and spattering
the walls of this tight space.
What interests him most, though,
is how they depart, convinced by the priest
who nods in this space, dispensing absolution
like a weary pharmacist, that all
the stains have been removed.
Well, that's my take on a great subject.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
You make some good point, JJ. Especially the one regarding letting the reader decide certain conclusions...JJWilliamson wrote:Mike, there's a lot to enjoy here but I think you've overcooked the meat.
I don't think your disclaimer is helping the poem at all and you've given far too much away in S1. There's a great opportunity here
to let the reader decide for him/herself. Allow me to decide if it's contemptible or disgusting. Try not to tell me it is. The angel
put me in mind of Ozymandias. Different, but I still thought of it and how Shelley shows us what's there, allowing us to realize the
absurdity of the Great King's words.
As others have said, a haircut could work wonders: (EG only)
Every night an angel appears with his
beatific broom and begins to sweep
the dark confession booth
shaking his head as he does so.
He is always at a loss to understand
what these sinners leave behind, ...We know that people are mortal. The angel would see their souls as immortal and it is the soul that's being scraped methinks.
littering the floor, and splattering ...What could be littering the floor in a confessional box? I don't understand how the walls would be splattered and why the angel's broom would be relevant. Are they metaphors for sin, perhaps? Can't be sure.
the walls of this tight space. ...Not sure you need 'on'.
What interests him most, though,
is how they depart, convinced by the priest ...Let the reader decide if he's a quack.
who nods in this space, dispensing absolution
like a weary pharmacist, that all ...covers a multitude of sins.
the stains have been removed. ...A super reference to the stain of sin.
This would give you:
Every night an angel appears with his
beatific broom and begins to sweep
the dark confession booth
shaking his head as he does so.
He is always at a loss to understand
what these sinners leave behind,
littering the floor, and spattering
the walls of this tight space.
What interests him most, though,
is how they depart, convinced by the priest
who nods in this space, dispensing absolution
like a weary pharmacist, that all
the stains have been removed.
Well, that's my take on a great subject.
Best
JJ
I am working on a revision and will post soon.
Thanks again for your time and input.