This Evening

[ray miller]

We’ll abandon afternoon spectacles
and nail Do Not Disturb to the door,
push the newspaper columns emblazoned
with heads upon spikes overboard.
Bluebottles will buzz empty eye-sockets;
the tourists have caves to explore.
We shall gather together like snowflakes
and sprawl on this counterpane floor.

[Jackie]

Hi Ray

I enjoyed the precise language here, and the play with alternating lines of rhythm. I kept stumbling on the second line, though. Could you consider this?

Nail Ne Pas Déranger to the door,

Somehow, though, there's a dissonance in this invitation for me—between the gentleness of the title, the snowflakes (though a bit cold!) and the counterpane on the one hand and on the other, the rousing effect the lines of three anapestic feet have of marching me off toward a puritan skyline. I admit that It's probably not you but all those energetic Sunday School activities I was put through that are biasing my view.

There's a tension you build starting right from the title that brings excitement to the poem, and it makes it an enjoyable read.

Jackie

[HenryBones]

Hi Ray,

I enjoyed this. If I'm reading it right, it turns on a contrast between an outer, mortal world of either atrocity (spiked heads) or inanity (tourists) and an inner world of either carefree passion or peaceful snoozing (or both, I suppose). I enjoyed the subtle rhyming and thought 'Bluebottles will buzz empty eye-sockets; / the tourists have caves to explore' was especially good. A couple of things weren't quite working for me, though - the syntax in 'push the newspaper columns emblazoned / with heads upon spikes overboard' made me stumble slightly as I couldn't quite shake the impression that the spiked heads were being cast overboard, when I assume you mean the newspaper columns. That slight hint of ambiguity may be exactly what you're after of course, in which case feel free to ignore all of this, but it slowed the pace of the poem when, for me, a quicker tempo was called for. The other thing was 'counterpane' which wasn't doing a lot for me - is there are more suggestive word you could use instead?

Thanks for the read

[ray miller]

Thanks, Jackie and Henry. You read it right, Henry, but the first 4 lines are poor. I thought the same thing about the syntax in lines 3-4 but haven't figured a solution as yet.
There's a tension to the poem, Jackie, though I suspect that's largely because lines 1,2,7,8 belong to a different poem than the rest!

[Macavity]

Bluebottles will buzz empty eye-sockets;
the tourists have caves to explore.

Probably the sharpest contrast there. I think do not disturb and heads upon spikes are also working in the poem. But I'm sure you are well aware of the strengths and weaknesses in the poem Ray. In my opinion one worth tinkering with.

best

mac

[ray miller]

Thanks, mac.

[JJWilliamson]

I think this is worth pursuing, Ray. It has some wry moments.

We’ll abandon afternoon spectacles ...What are afternoon spectacles? Is abandon doing the job? Why not say 'put down our.....or 'replace our'.
and nail Do Not Disturb to the door, ...Sounds like fun. 'nail' reads like you mean business. It has other connotations.
push the newspaper columns emblazoned)
with heads upon spikes overboard. ) ...These two lines are difficult to follow. You've already got a handle on that, I see.
Bluebottles will buzz empty eye-sockets; ...Can they buzz a socket?
the tourists have caves to explore.
We shall gather together like snowflakes
and sprawl on this counterpane floor. ...I quite like counterpane. Don't see it much. You could fiddle around with a duvet or a pile of cushions. Just saying.

A nudge here and there would give you a very entertaining short piece.

Best

JJ

[ray miller]

Thanks, JJ. Afternoon spectacles as in amusements, or endurances, more likely.
Can flies buzz an empty eye socket? I don't see why not. That's a cracker!

[Antcliff]

Thought this was good, Ray...the urge to escape from the tension/strain produced by confronting violence/horror and untroubled-heyho-touring at the same time. But of course we all feel it. The cruiseship = metaphor for current state of the planet?

"Toss" as an alternative to "push"?

Seth