Poetry Forum

When the moon and women march under
their umbrellas. I’m amazed by their eyelashes
their cheeks and everything about the taste
of turmeric that I can’t disclose. Yet you know
because my eyes shine like a lemon cut
in half. They whisper. Head explains silence
to my hands. You arrive but I’m not ready
to kill myself nor to love you. Or maybe
I’m just hunting flannel shirts in my closet.

Cursing the trees outdoors. Covered with snow.
Something peculiar about them this year.
I forgot all your names you used as a child.
Left them in the snowfall outside the fence.
Now I’m walking around your thoughts.
On purpose so we could just sit here
between those windows. Like that table
like that vase like
those chairs

hotter than the eyes hotter
than breasts hotter
than hands.

do moons have eyelashes, in any shape or form?

A nice collection of mixed thoughts, metaphors/similies, although ultimately equalling a nonsensical poem.

Sounds like a relationship that you cannot fully commit to, even though you want to, and cannot really understand your inability to do so - But you think 'she ' can. On the otherhand, maybe that's my misreading of the first verse.

The second verse hints at a denial of thoughts and feelings -

Cursing the trees outdoors, Covered with snow.
Something peculiar about them this year.
I forgot all your names you used as a child.
Left them in the snowfall outside the fence.
Now I'm walking around your thoughts........

Nice five.

I didn't think the final three lines were necesssary, no doubt some will disagree. I didn't have as much trouble with your punctuation in this one - One of your best in my opinion.

cheers

thank you both very kindly.

Agree with Barrie that the last three lines should go.

Glad to see you using punctuation now, however I think you're over doing the full stops. Some of them could be commas or semi-colons.

The fact that English is not your first language does give this poem an unusual feel, which is quite effective. (Joseph Conrad's prose was interesting for the same reason.)

Keep on keeping on.

C

The last three lines work on their own. The line breaks work well in the way that the reader finally finds out what is hotter than both the eyes and the breasts.