Fitting In

[Antcliff]

Follow the swans to Iceland.
Join the skein as it passes.
The art is to wear black socks,
stretch, flap in your carefully
re-designed white quilt, snug-fit,
neatly hiding your secret
mode of flight. If one stares,
stare back. Though there may be
puzzled glances: there may be
repeated, puzzled glances.
But will any ask about
this unglamorous large lump
trailing a little, making
those odd whirring sounds, shouting,
Hey guys - accommodation
in Iceland? Is it sorted?
Has everybody booked?
Surely none will be so rude,
even if you quiver, call,
Hey you guys, I love you all,
puffing, somewhat lachrymose,
puffing, somewhere over Lewis.

[Ros]

Excellent. will be back.

[ray miller]

Very nice, Seth.

Surely none will be so rude,
even if you quiver, call,

These lines less convincing, less necessary than the rest. Could do without them?

[Ros]

Yes, I agree with Ray. I feel you need to concentrate on how the imposter feels from the inside. The view from the outside (of the person on the ground) needs to be treated v lightly because as soon as the reader thinks about that it gets harder to suspend disbelief.

Ros

[Arian]

Good, Seth. Not sure I agree with Ray and Ros about those lines - I think they work rather well.

I was more puzzled by the repeated use of puzzled. I know it's a deliberate repetition, but I stumbled on it, because (after thinking about it) the two uses aren't linked. It might work better as:

Though there may be
puzzled glances: in fact, there may be
repeated, puzzled glances.

This flags up the intentional repetition. If you see what I mean.

Nice piece.
Cheers
peter

[Antcliff]

Thanks very much, Ray, Ros, Peter

Could do without them?

Still pondering those two lines and that cut suggestion. Been going back and forth on the question. Make your mind up, Seth!

Thanks, Peter

flags up the intentional repetition

Yes, that seems a good idea.

Seth

[JJWilliamson]

I like this one, Seth, with its unique take on migration and the outsider trying to fit in with the crowd. Clever metaphor
that's pleasing on a couple of levels.

It reads metered but the number of stresses varies. I'm not sure if that was your intention or not. Either way it reads well.

Follow the swans to Iceland. ...Whooper swans migrate to Iceland. How about, EG only, 'Follow the whoopers to Iceland'. Sounds like a party.
Join the skein as it passes.
The art is to wear black socks,
stretch, flap in your carefully
re-designed white quilt, snug-fit,
neatly hiding your secret
mode of flight. If one stares,
stare back. Though there may be
puzzled glances: there may be
repeated, puzzled glances.
But will any ask about
this unglamorous large lump
trailing a little, making
those odd whirring sounds, shouting,
Hey guys - accommodation
in Iceland? Is it sorted?
Has everybody booked?
Surely none will be so rude,
even if you quiver, call,
Hey you guys, I love you all,
puffing, somewhat lachrymose,
puffing, somewhere over Lewis.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ

[Antcliff]

I like this one, Seth, with its unique take on migration and the outsider trying to fit in with the crowd. Clever metaphor
that's pleasing on a couple of levels.

It reads metered but the number of stresses varies. I'm not sure if that was your intention or not. Either way it reads well.

Thank JJ. Yes, I went for 7 syllables varying stress.
Glad about the metaphor. I was also rather taken up by seeing fifty such swans fly by recently. I cannot remember seeing so many in one line.

Seth

[Macavity]

Hi Seth,
The black socks were my fav. fun bit. Peter offers a workable option on the repetition, though maybe that repetition is a distraction.

Best

Mac

[stuartryder]

Great stuff! I love swans. Cheers for the read. Stuart

Follow the swans to Iceland.
Join the skein as it passes.
The art is to wear black socks,
stretch, flap in your carefully
re-designed white quilt, snug-fit,
neatly hiding your secret
mode of flight. If one stares,
stare back. Though there may be
puzzled glances: there may be
repeated, puzzled glances.
But will any ask about
this unglamorous large lump
trailing a little, making
those odd whirring sounds, shouting,
Hey guys - accommodation
in Iceland? Is it sorted?
Has everybody booked?
Surely none will be so rude,
even if you quiver, call,
Hey you guys, I love you all,
puffing, somewhat lachrymose,
puffing, somewhere over Lewis.

[Antcliff]

Thanks, Stuart. Thanks for calling by.

Loads of geese as the mo. No swans, sadly.


Seth