Scalds through clouds,
Tans your hide.
Mower up a bee
that clambers among grass stalks.
Remove the bee's sting
and injure yourself with it.
How can you have foreseen,
anticipated the loss of life,
an accidental spike of importance
of these small
contributors to your wellbeing.
Consider the death of the world.
My granddaughter says
to help with pain
think of pudding.
Chocolate pudding.
Pain Is A Yellow Star
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Last edited by PaulSteveLaurence on Wed Jul 27, 2016 7:50 am, edited 3 times in total.
- bodkin
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Hi Paul,
I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly.
In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the next item is "Consider..." which is a very deliberate thing... So it is difficult to see what exact sort of experience the narrator is having...? Is he stepped back and abstractly considering pain (the "consider") or is he suffering it right now (the accident)?
Maybe if the middle of the poem was more of an event that featured pain? So that that was framed by the allegorical first two lines and the final down-to-Earth application of pudding?
Ian
I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly.
In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the next item is "Consider..." which is a very deliberate thing... So it is difficult to see what exact sort of experience the narrator is having...? Is he stepped back and abstractly considering pain (the "consider") or is he suffering it right now (the accident)?
Maybe if the middle of the poem was more of an event that featured pain? So that that was framed by the allegorical first two lines and the final down-to-Earth application of pudding?
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/
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- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2016 9:06 pm
I understand where you're bound with this Ian. Will expand the mid section. Thankyou.bodkin wrote:Hi Paul,
I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly.
In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the next item is "Consider..." which is a very deliberate thing... So it is difficult to see what exact sort of experience the narrator is having...? Is he stepped back and abstractly considering pain (the "consider") or is he suffering it right now (the accident)?
Maybe if the middle of the poem was more of an event that featured pain? So that that was framed by the allegorical first two lines and the final down-to-Earth application of pudding?
Ian
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- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2016 9:06 pm
Edited.bodkin wrote:Hi Paul,
I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly.
In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the next item is "Consider..." which is a very deliberate thing... So it is difficult to see what exact sort of experience the narrator is having...? Is he stepped back and abstractly considering pain (the "consider") or is he suffering it right now (the accident)?
Maybe if the middle of the poem was more of an event that featured pain? So that that was framed by the allegorical first two lines and the final down-to-Earth application of pudding?
Ian
I like the changes in mood / viewpoint, Paul, but I can't judge what you've changed in response to Ian's first comments. That would be interesting to know (although not absolutely essential).
This sounds like a bit of a Robbie Burns moment. I like it.
Cheers
David
This sounds like a bit of a Robbie Burns moment. I like it.
Cheers
David
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- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2016 9:06 pm
Thankyou, David.David wrote:I like the changes in mood / viewpoint, Paul, but I can't judge what you've changed in response to Ian's first comments. That would be interesting to know (although not absolutely essential).
This sounds like a bit of a Robbie Burns moment. I like it.
Cheers
David
dear Paul
the title imagery of A Yellow Star
brought me first to the realm of Antisemitism
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellow_badge
and then the Tans your hide. and the mower became quite powerful.
it good to be reading from your inkwell once again
a warm smile
silent lotus
`
the title imagery of A Yellow Star
brought me first to the realm of Antisemitism
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellow_badge
and then the Tans your hide. and the mower became quite powerful.
it good to be reading from your inkwell once again
a warm smile
silent lotus
`
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus
Lots to like in this for me. The bold bit is incongruously prosey compared to the rest, which is congruously wild...
Scalds through clouds,
Tans your hide.
Mower up a bee
that clambers among grass stalks.
Remove the bee's sting
and injure yourself with it.
How can you have foreseen,
anticipated the loss of life,
an accidental spike of importance
of these small
contributors to your wellbeing.
Consider the death of the world.
My granddaughter says
to help with pain
think of pudding.
Chocolate pudding
Scalds through clouds,
Tans your hide.
Mower up a bee
that clambers among grass stalks.
Remove the bee's sting
and injure yourself with it.
How can you have foreseen,
anticipated the loss of life,
an accidental spike of importance
of these small
contributors to your wellbeing.
Consider the death of the world.
My granddaughter says
to help with pain
think of pudding.
Chocolate pudding
-
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- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
I like the sound and feel of it, though I confess the allegorical significance of its mid-section escapes me.
The last 4 lines would work well on their own, as an epigrammatic piece.
Cheers
peter
The last 4 lines would work well on their own, as an epigrammatic piece.
Cheers
peter