Poetry Forum

Scalds through clouds,
Tans your hide.

Mower up a bee
that clambers among grass stalks.
Remove the bee's sting
and injure yourself with it.
How can you have foreseen,
anticipated the loss of life,
an accidental spike of importance
of these small
contributors to your wellbeing.

Consider the death of the world.

My granddaughter says
to help with pain
think of pudding.

Chocolate pudding.

Hi Paul,

I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly.

In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the next item is "Consider..." which is a very deliberate thing... So it is difficult to see what exact sort of experience the narrator is having...? Is he stepped back and abstractly considering pain (the "consider") or is he suffering it right now (the accident)?

Maybe if the middle of the poem was more of an event that featured pain? So that that was framed by the allegorical first two lines and the final down-to-Earth application of pudding?

Ian

bodkin wrote:Hi Paul,

I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly.

In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the next item is "Consider..." which is a very deliberate thing... So it is difficult to see what exact sort of experience the narrator is having...? Is he stepped back and abstractly considering pain (the "consider") or is he suffering it right now (the accident)?

Maybe if the middle of the poem was more of an event that featured pain? So that that was framed by the allegorical first two lines and the final down-to-Earth application of pudding?

Ian

I understand where you're bound with this Ian. Will expand the mid section. Thankyou.

bodkin wrote:Hi Paul,

I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly.

In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the next item is "Consider..." which is a very deliberate thing... So it is difficult to see what exact sort of experience the narrator is having...? Is he stepped back and abstractly considering pain (the "consider") or is he suffering it right now (the accident)?

Maybe if the middle of the poem was more of an event that featured pain? So that that was framed by the allegorical first two lines and the final down-to-Earth application of pudding?

Ian

Edited.

I like this now, except, small nit, but surely something anticipated must have been foreseen?


Ian

I like the changes in mood / viewpoint, Paul, but I can't judge what you've changed in response to Ian's first comments. That would be interesting to know (although not absolutely essential).

This sounds like a bit of a Robbie Burns moment. I like it.

Cheers

David

David wrote:I like the changes in mood / viewpoint, Paul, but I can't judge what you've changed in response to Ian's first comments. That would be interesting to know (although not absolutely essential).

This sounds like a bit of a Robbie Burns moment. I like it.

Cheers

David

Thankyou, David.

dear Paul

the title imagery of A Yellow Star

brought me first to the realm of Antisemitism

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellow_badge


and then the Tans your hide. and the mower became quite powerful.



it good to be reading from your inkwell once again

a warm smile
silent lotus

`

Lots to like in this for me. The bold bit is incongruously prosey compared to the rest, which is congruously wild...

Scalds through clouds,
Tans your hide.

Mower up a bee
that clambers among grass stalks.
Remove the bee's sting
and injure yourself with it.
How can you have foreseen,
anticipated the loss of life,
an accidental spike of importance
of these small
contributors to your wellbeing.

Consider the death of the world.

My granddaughter says
to help with pain
think of pudding.

Chocolate pudding

I like the sound and feel of it, though I confess the allegorical significance of its mid-section escapes me.

The last 4 lines would work well on their own, as an epigrammatic piece.

Cheers
peter

I think either 'foreseen' or 'anticipated' is redundant so delete one.
'Of these small contributors to your wellbeing' Does not work for me. Seems contrived.
The next line is great. Also the ending is good.

Random, but focussed. Works for me.

muchly enjoyed

mac