Poetry Forum

Dear Kate,

I'll be honest with you:
the absence of you makes me blue.
To be with you I'd swap
all my prospects, I'd lop
off a limb or two,
swim a two-seamonster strait,
my lonesome heart gonging
the plaint of my longing
into the abyss.
That's how much I miss you.

I miss:

being fast in a tryst with you
locked wrist to wrist with you
dozing and nosing the lobe of your ear,
the small of your knee,
your divine repartee,
your wrinkles and twinkles and pink underwear;
your hocus, your pocus,
your locus of lustre,
the way you slip into and out of your slip,
your admonishing digit
and womanish fidget
when I ogle ignobly the line of your hip.

The tan on your thigh and its limit
unman me before I can hymn it.
So I'll finish this now, Kate.
There's not long to wait, now.
And I'll be up with the fart of the sparrow
to come back to you.

Pleasantly humorous throwaway ditty, using the familiar conceits of cards in shops. Drops to a very funny finish.

Very nice. Love this

The tan on your thigh and its limit
unman me before I can hymn it.

a two-seamonster strait, - sea-monster? Do you need the other hyphen?
Can sparrows fart?

Enjoyably playful, in theme and language.

Think the first two lines could go?

I'll be honest with you:
the absence of you makes me blue.

Liked this especially...

your hocus, your pocus,
your locus of lustre,
the way you slip into and out of your slip,

Seth

Short of time, but I'll come back to this k-j.

Love it, on first reading!

Cheers
peter

I once heard someone translating birdsong as the equivalent of shouting 'anyone up for sex?' in a public space. Ruined the poetry in it for me ever since, or so I thought: this was a delightful.

Excellent!

It's all good, but the 'I miss:' section is terrific - especially the (as Seth says) hocus pocus couplet. A close second is...

The tan on your thigh and its limit
unman me before I can hymn it.

My only nit is 'plaint' - had to look it up, and it strikes me as a bit forced. Probably just me, though. Ray has raised an interesting point about sparrows.

Good piece.
Cheers
Peter

Thanks all.

Ray, re: other hyphen. No I don't need it. I have a tendency to hyperhyphenate.

Re: sparrows - yes of course they fart. Aren't you all familiar with the idiom "up with the sparrow's fart"?

Seth, agreed re: first two lines.

Joao, I've heard the same explanation of birdsong but surely there is more to it. Alternatively you could reduce human poetry/song to the same thing!

Peter, "plaint". Well it is a self-consciously archaic-poetic word but I'm surprised you had to look it up.

I'd not heard the sparrowfart saying before, but I see that it is quite common.

Terrific. I'm thinking Lorenz Hart (another rhyme for sparrow's fart, if need be) at times. High praise.

Cheers

David

Great stuff, a cracking all rounder:

Fun, fine word usage, some brilliant turns of phrase, my favourite being:

"swim a two-seamonster strait,"

And it flows along without a hitch.

One of those poems you're happy to stumble across.

TS

The first stanza is not very strong. I don't like the word 'blue' for some reason; seems trite. There are many better ways of saying it.
Second Stanza is much better and I agree that, beginning with 'your hocus pocus...' it runs very nicely right to the end of that S.
The last three lines are a bit of a let down. I don't like the self referential 'So I'll finish now, Kate.' You are falling back into 'me writing this poem' kinda thing, which I never like. It is a bit too meta to be referring to your own poem within the poem. But I don't like meta.*
The cadence and flow of the poem are good and you have got a good poem there, but a little more good writing like in the second stanza is in order.

*Granted the poem is in the form of a letter but why? No need to make it an letter. Just make it a poem and no reference to the fact that you are writing it would be better.