don't deliberate any stroke
beaks don't question their stab
claws don't ask before they kill
no overseeing clock
no targets set by others
only crying mouths
keyed to earthcloud
wavegust
eyes see you as food
Figure Of Eight Feathers
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PaulSteveLaurence
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Last edited by PaulSteveLaurence on Fri Jul 29, 2016 8:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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PaulSteveLaurence
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Any bird of prey, Pat. Thankyou for reading and commenting.Boat wrote:Hello, PSL.
Kestrel? Nature at its rawest?
Pat.
Hi,
I think this is quite a difficult theme to explore, especially post-Hughes etc. I like your handling of repetition but not sure it's really adding anything. I felt the 'wavegust' was good though, more Hopkins-esque and engaging the senses than the rest.
Best,
Richard
I think this is quite a difficult theme to explore, especially post-Hughes etc. I like your handling of repetition but not sure it's really adding anything. I felt the 'wavegust' was good though, more Hopkins-esque and engaging the senses than the rest.
Best,
Richard
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)
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Arian
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I like this quite a lot, though I tend to agree with Rich's* comment on repetition.
Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentionalise' is even worse!
Nice piece.
Cheers
Peter
* Good to see you around!
Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentionalise' is even worse!
Nice piece.
Cheers
Peter
* Good to see you around!
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PaulSteveLaurence
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To me the alliterative sense is important vernacular wise.Arian wrote:I like this quite a lot, though I tend to agree with Rich's* comment on repetition.
Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentionalise' is even worse!
Nice piece.
Cheers
Peter
* Good to see you around!
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ray miller
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2nd stanza I like a lot. 3rd one, well, it didn't engage me. Wavegust is nice.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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PaulSteveLaurence
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Thankyou, Ray. Edited.ray miller wrote:2nd stanza I like a lot. 3rd one, well, it didn't engage me. Wavegust is nice.