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Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2016 2:37 pm
by PaulSteveLaurence
don't deliberate any stroke
beaks don't question their stab
claws don't ask before they kill
no overseeing clock
no targets set by others
only crying mouths
keyed to earthcloud
wavegust
eyes see you as food
Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 8:20 pm
by Boat
Hello, PSL.
Kestrel? Nature at its rawest?
Pat.
Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 8:56 pm
by PaulSteveLaurence
Boat wrote:Hello, PSL.
Kestrel? Nature at its rawest?
Pat.
Any bird of prey, Pat. Thankyou for reading and commenting.
Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 9:41 pm
by Basnik
Hi,
I think this is quite a difficult theme to explore, especially post-Hughes etc. I like your handling of repetition but not sure it's really adding anything. I felt the 'wavegust' was good though, more Hopkins-esque and engaging the senses than the rest.
Best,
Richard
Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2016 6:34 pm
by Arian
I like this quite a lot, though I tend to agree with Rich's* comment on repetition.
Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentionalise' is even worse!
Nice piece.
Cheers
Peter
* Good to see you around!
Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2016 9:30 pm
by PaulSteveLaurence
Arian wrote:I like this quite a lot, though I tend to agree with Rich's* comment on repetition.
Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentionalise' is even worse!
Nice piece.
Cheers
Peter
* Good to see you around!
To me the alliterative sense is important vernacular wise.
Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2016 7:29 am
by ray miller
2nd stanza I like a lot. 3rd one, well, it didn't engage me. Wavegust is nice.
Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers
Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2016 8:39 am
by PaulSteveLaurence
ray miller wrote:2nd stanza I like a lot. 3rd one, well, it didn't engage me. Wavegust is nice.
Thankyou, Ray. Edited.