Poetry Forum

Collapsed, it resembles one of those harps
familiar from bardic tales and Guinness bottles,
but with its back removed -
spineless, voiceless, all vital tension gone -

or a huge butterfly, wings closed,
waiting to take flight
on a summer's afternoon, its bright colours
drying in the wind.

David wrote:Collapsed, it resembles one of those harps
familiar from bardic tales and Guinness bottles,
but with its back removed -
spineless, voiceless, all vital tension gone -

or a huge butterfly, wings closed,
waiting to take flight
on a summer's afternoon, its bright colours
drying in the wind.

Resurrects the washing line to good effect.

Will return. But I have a quick query. I am not sure I quite grasp the image of the first stanza because I am not sure where "the back" is on a harp?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harp#/media/File:Harp.svg

Hello, David.

I'll never look at a washing line in quite the same way again.

You have compared it to a musical, stringed harp and a butterfly.

I need a new line.

Nicely composed.

Regards.

Pat.

I like it, though like Seth I wondered where is the back of a harp. Until I read the comments I hadn't realised you were referring to a washing line - I thought some kind of spinning top. Not sure you need bright, colours not enough?

Very good, David

They do resemble a sort of spinning top when the wind catches them. We have one.

David wrote:Collapsed, it resembles one of those harps
familiar from bardic tales and Guinness bottles,
but with its back removed - ...Maybe, "body" or "soundboard"
spineless, voiceless, all vital tension gone - ...Crucial line otherwise L's 1 & 2 wouldn't make sense.

or a huge butterfly, wings closed,
waiting to take flight
on a summer's afternoon, its bright colours ...Maybe something along the lines of, "fast colours". Gives you a wordplay, or "coloureds"
drying in the wind.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ

I really like the last two lines. I think both images are very good. However I think we all know what a harp looks like and the second line doesn't add much/isn't necessary. I take "back" to be the part nearest the harpist, but maybe I'm wrong and it is slightly confusing.

Very good.

Particularly enjoyed the conjunction of the mystical and the mundane in

bardic tales and Guinness bottles,

and the descriptive power of

all vital tension gone -

If I have a nit, and I don't really, it's the (possible) contradiction between the start (the thing is 'collapsed') and the end (it's drying bright colours).

Still, a very nice piece.

Cheers
Peter

Ah! It's the butterfly drying its brightly coloured wings. It is a bit confusing. It resembles a butterfly with its wings out? Peter raises a good point, I think. Now, when the BF first breaks free it relies on the drying and blood, no, its meconium, (just checked) to slowly stretch those wings out. So, has the butterfly just emerged from the chrysalis? The chrysalis can become transparent, revealing the BF's colours. Very clever. Could be wrong. (again)

JJ

The first word of the poem works very well; you set up the condition of the thing with a single word. (comma after 'harps' on the first line?)
Last line of the first S is good, especially 'all vital...'
Careful with the Guinness bottle; if people don't know there's a harp on it they will be lost (took a reread before I got that one.)
Line break in S2 at 'its bright colours'?

Thank you, Paul.

Ah Seth, I see I have got the harp's anatomy all wrong. I must rethink that.

Thanks, Pat.

ray miller wrote:Until I read the comments I hadn't realised you were referring to a washing line - I thought some kind of spinning top.

Ray, I was surprised that everybody seemed to have picked up on that. It's what we call our rotary - rotary? - washing line. Perhaps it's more generally used than we realised.

Thanks, JJ. Helpful suggestions too. They could come in useful. (Triple word score for "meconium". Never heard of it.)

k-j wrote:However I think we all know what a harp looks like and the second line doesn't add much/isn't necessary.

That's true, k-j. I think I liked the bathetic coupling of bardic tales and Guinness bottles, but perhaps I shouldn't. But if I lose that line I lose the symmetry of the poem. And I like symmetry.

Thank you, Peter! A seconder for my bathetic bottles. Good point about "collapsed", though. Hmm.

And thank you, EnPassant. Nice to meet you.

Cheers all. I may be back with a reworked model. A Branestawm special.

David