Grave Robbing

[ray miller]

Grave Robbing

Revision

My missus comes in from emptying bins.
I’m throwing a poem at the Out tray.
“Whose coffin are you robbing today?
I’m astonished there's still bodies left to pinch.”
“What you mean?” “Well, it seems, your verses reek
from exhuming the tombs of those long dead -
your mother and father, your tragic friend,
rattling their bones so that ghosts can speak.”
“But you know my folks were both cremated!”
“I’m talking metaphorically, perhaps?
Stop studying old photographs and maps,
you need updating, be more creative.
Stick that in your latest modern sonnet.”
“Right, love. I get the message. I’m on it.”

Original

My missus returned from emptying the bins.
I’m filing a poem in the Out tray.
“Whose coffin are you robbing from today?
I’m surprised there’s anything left to pinch.”
“What you mean?” “Well, often, your verses reek
from opening the graves of those long dead -
your mother and father, your tragic friend,
rattling their bones just to hear them speak.”
“But you know my folks were both cremated!”
“I’m talking metaphorically, you twat!
Stop studying old photographs and maps,
you need updating, be more creative.
Stick that in your stupid fuckin’ sonnet!”
“Right, love. I get the message. I’m on it.”

[Boat]

Hello, Ray.

Sorry, I can't let someone with your experience posting in experienced away with it.

The first line is missing the word the. It's a little word is the but an important word all the same.
I think the first line needs reworking. In the words of your N's wife, 'be more creative.'

All the best.

Pat.

[ray miller]

Hello, Ray.

Sorry, I can't let someone with your experience posting in experienced away with it.

The first line is missing the word the. It's a little word is the but an important word all the same.
I think the first line needs reworking. 'In the words of your N's wife, 'be more creative.'

All the best.

Pat.

No need to apologise, you're not to know that my missus is actually a dustman and emptying bins is what she does for a living. Actually, I had the bins originally, then changed it. I don't think it's a big deal, myself, but I'll change it back. After all, I wouldn't want to miss the, Boat.

[Boat]

lol, nice one. No point in missing the boat.

By the way I added a to my post just to show it was a light hearted comment.

Regards.

Pat.

[Ros]

Enjoyed greatly. Starts really well - I felt

“But you know my folks were both cremated!”
“I’m talking metaphorically, you twat!

was a bit of a let-down - not a very interesting comeback from either party.

Do you need robbing from? Isn't robbing enough?

Ros

[PaulSteveLaurence]

True literary criticism.

[JJWilliamson]

I'm won't mention the meter because it reads very well. The sonnet progression seems very good to me
and although 'twat' comes as a surprise I can't really comment about the authenticity of the voice.

Great modern sonnet in my view with some stonking rhymes. abba cddc...etc. Very good and hardly noticeable with the stress on 'hardly'. Ok, subtle.
The light humour is apparent, adding in no small way to my enjoyment of this poem.

My missus returned from emptying the bins.
I’m filing a poem in the Out tray.
“Whose coffin are you robbing from today?
I’m surprised there’s anything left to pinch.”
“What you mean?” “Well, often, your verses reek
from opening the graves of those long dead -
your mother and father, your tragic friend,
rattling their bones just to hear them speak.”
“But you know my folks were both cremated!”
“I’m talking metaphorically, you twat! ...I know it's there for the slant rhyme but PERHAPS something else. It does add to the humour, though.
Stop studying old photographs and maps,
you need updating, be more creative.
Stick that in your stupid fuckin’ sonnet!”
“Right, love. I get the message. I’m on it.”

Nice one, Ray

Best

JJ

[ray miller]

I've revised it. Now you can tell me I've ruined a perfectly acceptable poem.

Pat - my daughters have forbidden me to use emoticons or lols, so I tend to miss these things.

[ray miller]

Enjoyed greatly. Starts really well - I felt

“But you know my folks were both cremated!”
“I’m talking metaphorically, you twat!

was a bit of a let-down - not a very interesting comeback from either party.

Do you need robbing from? Isn't robbing enough?

Ros

robbing is enough, yes, thanks. I like the cremated line. It's exactly what N would say. I've altered the 2nd line.

[ray miller]

Thanks, Paul and JJ. Regarding the twat line, which I've changed, the "voice" isn't authentic, as such. This is entirely a conversation I had with myself. My wife and I never discuss my poetry. To be perfectly honest, I think she only wants me for my body.

[JJWilliamson]

My wife and I never discuss my poetry.

Ditto.

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

I've read both versions and had a think about them and marginally prefer the revision. You've developed
some of the possible interp's and tightened the progression. EG L2 I couldn't decide which one sounded better, eventually deciding that 'throwing' and 'out' worked well together. Humorous and pertinent to any writer, I thought. Can you pinch a grave? "bones" might work. Liked the upgrade for the rest.

Best

JJ

[ray miller]

Thanks, JJ. Can you pinch graves? Good question. I think probably not, damn it.

[k-j]

Good revision, good poem.

I think you need the definite article for the bins! Otherwise it sounds like her passtime or occupation.

You can't pinch graves. How about "whose coffin are you rifling today? / I'm amazed there's any skeletons [or cadavers] left to pinch".

[ray miller]

Thanks, k-j. I'm not sure about the bins, I've changed the 4th line. Getting there.

[David]

Good revision, good poem.

That'll do me.

But it's got me wondering whether I've ever seen a sonnet of yours before. It seems strangely conformist for you (even if the folding back of the final couplet into the poem itself is not).

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

Good revision, good poem.

That'll do me.

But it's got me wondering whether I've ever seen a sonnet of yours before. It seems strangely conformist for you (even if the folding back of the final couplet into the poem itself is not).

Cheers

David

Thanks, David. I can think of two sonnets I've written, there may be more. And - I can scarcely believe this myself - I've recently written a villanelle.

[David]

Good revision, good poem.

That'll do me.

But it's got me wondering whether I've ever seen a sonnet of yours before. It seems strangely conformist for you (even if the folding back of the final couplet into the poem itself is not).

Cheers

David

Thanks, David. I can think of two sonnets I've written, there may be more. And - I can scarcely believe this myself - I've recently written a villanelle.

No way!

I hope - I really hope - it's called Villa nil.

[k-j]

No way!

I hope - I really hope - it's called Villa nil.

Ha ha! If not, there's your next project!

[ray miller]

Make that two villanelles, the second of which is called Villa Nil.

[EnPassant]

I think you need a line break at “Well, it seems, your verses
I'm not sure of “But you know my folks were both cremated!”
It breaks away from the basic idea of the poem and threw me a bit. Seems superfluous...

I would also like to see why this opening of graves is wrong.
Why is studying 'old photographs' wrong?
You need to explain why looking into the past for inspiration is a bad thing.

The poem moves along very nicely and there is a lively, convincing interaction between the two people.
But more meat; explain why she is complaining...why is she right and you wrong?

[the stranger]

Hey Ray,

It's probably all been covered, just to say I very much enjoyed, and a clever idea to boot. Sort of a meta-poem, in fact probably definitely a meta-poem.

Good stuff.

TS

[ray miller]

Thanks, En Passant and TS. The folks....cremated line is thrown in for humour and to show how concrete N's thinking can be. I suppose I think that gaining inspiration from the past is fine, but it can be overdone. The original line , often, your verses reek.... makes that point a little more forcefully and maybe I'll go back to that.