Poetry Forum

<center>On
occasions
I feel like a lemon
Alive in a fruit bowl. Not a
lesbian fruit bowl, not that type of
Lemon. No. Or not the type that feels
over yellow, too crisp against fading
violets or shrivelling pears - a virile
still life. Not that type of Lemon.
No. I feel like the lemon
that sharpens Your
tongue on
days

when speech is all but gone, and my fruit can
enlighten you.

That type of Lemon, you know?</center>

Hi skarriash,

Welcome to the forum.

Cement as in concrete (poetry)?

Shape-wise - can't you try and fit the last three lines inside the lemon?

Needs some kind of punctuation after "pears" i feel.

Content-wise - not sure about "lesbian fruit bowl" - seems to stand out for the wrong reasons.

Look forward to more of your stuff.

cam

skarriash wrote:<center>On
occasions
I feel like a lemon
Alive in a fruit bowl. Not a
lesbian fruit bowl, Not that type of
Lemon. No. Or not the type that feels
Over yellow, too crisp against fading
violets or shriveling pears A virile,
still life. Not that type of Lemon.
No. I feel like the lemon
that sharpens Your
tongue on
days

when speech Is all but gone, and my fruit can
Enlighten you.

That type of Lemon, you know?</center>

isn't it funny when you think of a lemon, your mouth waters? I love the sound of 'lemon cement' in my mouth.


I didn't realise some of the connotations this word has until I did a quick google. Interesting.

Why are the last lines outside the shape of the poem though?

I'm figuring the:

"when speech Is all but gone, and my fruit can
Enlighten you.

That type of Lemon, you know?"

Represents the fruit bowl?

Well, if it was camus, it would be quite disproportionately so. The bowl needs to be bigger than the lemon.

Welcome to poetsgraves. Sometimes first impressions can put people off, I look forward more of your stuff.

Please change shriveling to shrivelling.

not if it's a small bowl and a big lemon.

welcome skarr-

<center>On
occasions
I feel like a lemon
Alive in a fruit bowl. Not a
lesbian fruit bowl, not that type of
Lemon. No. Or not the type that feels
over yellow, too crisp against fading
violets or shrivelling pears - a virile
still life. Not that type of Lemon.
No. I feel like the lemon
that sharpens Your
tongue on
days

when speech is all but gone, and my fruit can enlighten you.
That type of Lemon, you know?</center>

There's my recommendation.

Loved the elliptical shape rather than the plain circular shape of an orange or apple...this is also beautiful in any shape:

I feel like the lemon
that sharpens Your
tongue

Yeah, I agree I think the base could be longer, that would be the easy remedy, anyway.

- Caleb

Hi Skarr.

I really liked this poem. Not sure about the lesbian reference though. I agree with the others that the last few lines would look better as part of the lemon shape. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.

Rach

Skar,

Welcome. A solid and, pardon the pun, formidable first post. Look forward to more sapphic citrus.

Cheers,

Bombadil.

cameron wrote:Cement as in concrete (poetry)?

Shape-wise - can't you try and fit the last three lines inside the lemon?

Needs some kind of punctuation after "pears" i feel.

A new poem, a new contributor, and what does Cameron offer? Support? No. Constructive criticism? No.

Nothing but great dollops of undisguised elitist sarcasm. Pretty bad show I'd say.

What qualifications do you need to be a moderator here anyway? And who are you to criticise others about their punctuation? Yours is pretty pisspoor from what I've seen. This poem was much better than some of the many contributions from your clique of pals.

Bloody disgrace!

J,

I think you misread him, Cameron of the more kindly ilk than some of the rest of us. I read his comments as being constructive. Stick around a bit longer than six posts, I think you'll find the mods (and whomever else you intended to group) less clique-ish than you first thought.

Cheers,

Bombadil

Calm down there. If you don't think Cam's criticism was constructive, although looking at it I'm pretty sure it is, then why not offer some constructive criticism of your own instead of coming over all disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.

cam also owns and maintains the site. Not just the forum, the site.

You forgot:

Welcome to the forum.

Look forward to more of your stuff.

- Caleb