You Burn Me

[Ray Trivedi]

You burn me
set me free

You make me see
things clearly

That's how you
make me feel

I know you
an overwhelming burning sensation
of every time's a revelation when
I see you

You are an irresistible putain
in my mind I maintain
regardless of my economical
and social status quo

You are a purgatorial and cathartic killer
in moderation

Stop you my love

I fear persecution

I want to praise you
the only way, the best way
a lover knows how to
and that's, not to praise you at all



I don't like what I've written here, am unsure about the whole thing. Your comments welcome. Cheers!

[lemur]

Hi Ray,

This reminded me more of song lyrics than a poem, I think because of all the statements (I know you, I see you, etc). I think if you were to write something with an image, or metaphor, to get across the point "You make me see/things clearly" it would be more successful.

I thought maybe you could play on what you have in the last couple of lines - the positive/negative dichotomy - maybe you could set up pairs of opposites, in imagery, throughout the poem?

[dillingworth]

this is a bit cliched and teen-angsty for my taste. make sure when you compose a poem you make it new.

[barrie]

It appears to be a collection of thoughts in no apparent order - a precursor to poem, maybe?

It lacks coherence and flow (and punctuation).

Lines like

'You burn me
set me free'

or

'You make me see
things clearly'

are really well worn. There is a lot here to turn into something much better - I think you know that.

I'd drop 'putain' and use 'libertine' or 'advoutress' (an interesting word). I know they don't rhyme with 'maintain', but rhymes can be changed. (Frenchy!)

Hope I've helped.

cheers