Buoyancy (formally titled Dysania)

[Xillus_Xavier]

Revision #3:

Buoyancy


Daylight encroaches through clefts in the curtains.
But we have crafted a comfort here,
so we stay and watch darkness withdraw
to the corners of the room. But the cats soon set in,
pressuring her for breakfast, and the dog begins begging me
for his morning stroll.

Like limp balloons at a birthday party
attached to separate tanks,
valves slowly opening,
we wait and wonder which of us will be
the first to blow up and rise.


















Revision #2:


Daylight encroaches through cracks in the curtains.
But we are fashioning a comfort here,
so we stay and watch darkness withdraw
to the corners of the room. The dog still snores
at our feet, but the cats are starting in,
demanding their breakfast, and they
will not die down.

Like two balloons on delicate strings
slanting in a stiffening breeze,
we cling to the warmth of these bedsheets, waiting
for one of us to break and rise






Revision 1#:

Daylight encroaches through cracks in the curtains.
But we are fashioning a comfort here,
so we stay and watch darkness withdraw
to the corners of the room. The dog still snores
at our feet, but the cats are starting in,
demanding their breakfast, and they
will not die down.

Like two tethered balloons
in a stiffening breeze,
we lie here waiting for one of us
to unravel and rise.




ORIGINAL:

Daylight encroaches through cracks in the curtains.
But we have cultivated comfort here,
so we stay and watch as darkness withdraws
to the corners of the room. The dog still snores
at our feet. But the cats are starting up,
demanding their breakfast, and they will not
die down.

Like two balloons
tethered with fraying strings,
we lie here waiting for one of us
to snap and rise.

[1lankest]

Enjoyed, esp the ending.

I would omit the 'they will not die down' line. Doesn't seem necessary.

Luke

[penguin]

Dysania, there's a name for it then, My teenage daughter will be pleased. I enjoyed it. I'm not wholly taken by the balloon thing at the end, though, and I'd suggest a slightly different line break here

But the cats are starting up,
demanding their breakfast, and they
will not die down.

[Crayon]

Hi XX.

For the "fraying strings ... to snap" metaphor to work, there needs to be something more infuriating than pet cats. Such as workmen with pneumatic drills.

The title is cryptic for no good reason. And dysania has sufferers with either physical conditions or mental disorders.

[Firebird]

I like what you are doing here, but not completely sure you are quite pulling it off. Comments below:

Daylight encroaches through cracks in the curtains. (I prefer 'between' to 'in' here)
But we have cultivated comfort here, (not sure 'cultivates' works here)
so we stay and watch as darkness withdraws
to the corners of the room. The dog still snores
at our feet. But the cats are starting up,
demanding their breakfast, and they will not
die down.

Like a pair of balloons with fraying strings,
we lie here waiting for one of us
to snap and rise. (I don't think this image works fully. I like the idea of the fraying strings, but not the balloon. I understand that you are saying the day is light and airy but the image also communicates a vacuous nature and a bulging shape. Keep the fraying string, but in my opinion somethings else needs to be doing the pulling.)

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Xillus_Xavier]

I like what you are doing here, but not completely sure you are quite pulling it off. Comments below:

Daylight encroaches through cracks in the curtains. (I prefer 'between' to 'in' here)
But we have cultivated comfort here, (not sure 'cultivates' works here)
so we stay and watch as darkness withdraws
to the corners of the room. The dog still snores
at our feet. But the cats are starting up,
demanding their breakfast, and they will not
die down.

Like a pair of balloons with fraying strings,
we lie here waiting for one of us
to snap and rise. (I don't think this image works fully. I like the idea of the fraying strings, but not the balloon. I understand that you are saying the day is light and airy but the image also communicates a vacuous nature and a bulging shape. Keep the fraying string, but in my opinion somethings else needs to be doing the pulling.)

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Tristan

Actually, I'm not saying smithing about the day being light and airy. The balloon is key. It has to be an object that can get loose and rise. The analogy fails without those components. I'm open for other suggestions.

[Xillus_Xavier]

Revision #2 is now posted.

[1lankest]

Fwiw I much prefer the original - I found the revised ending over-wrought. Didn't see much wrong with the original.

[penguin]

I think cultivated comfort was better than fashioned. You won't want to hear this, but I think the balloons are the problem. It's just not that great an analogy, balloons breaking their string/people getting out of bed. But I guess you'll persist with it, in which case

Like two balloons on delicate strings
we cling to the warmth of these bedsheets, waiting
for one to break and rise.

I don't think the stiffening breeze helps and you don't really need of us in the last line.

[JJWilliamson]

Hi Xillus

A lot to like here and some great, familiar imagery. This reluctant state reminds me of trying to get my lad out of bed.
We could be heading for the airport and he'd still resist. I'm an up and it kind of bloke, but each to their own.

My niggles have already been expressed but some of it might be worth reiterating.

The biggest problem for me is one of 'dysania' versus idleness and the love of a warm bed. One is seen by the medical profession as a condition,
with the other being typical of most people, especially on a cold winter morning. Who would want to get out of a warm bed to face the cold and wind.
Your poem very much speaks of the latter. Easy to fix if you so choose. If you really are referring to dysania you need to up the ante on the symptoms.

Some other points in line:

[quote="Xillus_Xavier"]Revision #2:


Daylight encroaches through cracks in the curtains.
But we are fashioning a comfort here, ...Are you really, though? The comfort is already well established. 'We idle in comfort' might work.
so we stay and watch darkness withdraw ...How about 'lie' instead of 'stay'. Love the image btw.
to the corners of the room. The dog still snores
at our feet, but the cats are starting in, ...Do you both suffer from dysania? Seems unlikely. 'and the cats' perhaps.
demanding their breakfast, and they ...You could end on 'breakfast', unless there's something significant about the dying down. How do they demand their breakfast? Do they scratch at the covers, leap around the room, slap your face etc. In that way you'd develop the imagery and you could probably drop that second 'and'. If you changed 'but' to 'and' there would be two 'ands'. I suspect that's why you chose 'but' in the first place. Is this making sense?
will not die down.

Like two balloons on delicate strings ...The balloon image works, but only so far. Most balloons are filled with air and don't rise. They drop slowly to the floor unless they're filled with helium.
slanting in a stiffening breeze,
we cling to the warmth of these bedsheets, waiting ...I'm pretty sure I understand the simile. I think you're saying as the breeze stiffens the string will eventually break, like one of you will eventually break and rise to face the day. The balloon is the problem for me. An air filled balloon would have to be battered by the wind to keep it rising. You might find something in a trout rising or something.
for one of us to break and rise

Anyway, just thoughts for the pot.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ

[Crayon]

I still think the title isn't right (and a wasted chance for something more engaging) and the problematic balloon analogy needs wrestling into line. Below are some suggestions (probably with too much alliteration) that may help tie things together.

Warm Cotton Womb

Daylight climbs through clefted curtains, but
in here we crafted a consummate comfort,
both holding tight
as downy darkness rolls back into quiet corners.

At our feet, the faithful dog slumbers on, yet
the crepuscular cats are now clambering,
pawing for breakfast
and, quite righteously, they are relentless.

Like weather balloons with our tethers pulled taut,
threads start to fray, knots worked loose, and
buffeted by conscience
we wait for the other to unravel and rise.

[Xillus_Xavier]

Thanks to everyone for the excellent input. I am giving the balloon metaphor one more try, from a different perspective. I think this works better.
Revision #3 is now posted.