Poetry Forum

V3

When we are in the same a room,
we often don't need to talk.
He touches me though, now and then,
to know I am there.
But it's when we're out
or he looks at me
that I have his full attention.

Last week we saw a rare performance
by Bowie and spent a day at Notting hill
carnival and all he wanted
was to make sure I got the best view.
Later, he wasn't envious about what he'd missed
and pushed me across the table to our friends
who wanted to know what we'd experienced,
and he didn't seem to care, even one bit
that it was as if he hadn't been there.



V2

Last week we saw a rare performance
by Bowie, and spent a day at Notting hill
carnival and all he wanted to do
was make sure I got the best view.
Later, he wasn't envious about what he'd missed
and pushed me across the table to our friends
who wanted to know what we'd experienced.
He really didn't seem to care, one bit
that it was as if he wasn't there.


V1

He rarely leaves my side, can't keep
his hand off me, and always puts me first.
Last week we saw a rare performance
of Bowie and spent a day at Notting hill
carnival and all he wanted to do
was make sure I got the best view
and later he wasn't envious about what he'd missed
and pushed me across the table to our friends
who wanted to know what we'd experienced.
He really didn't seem to care, one bit
that it was as if he wasn't there.

I haven't got one and that makes me special. Can't help thinking there must be a better title out there and whether you really need the opening two lines. They are a bit too explanatory, I think.
But nice poem, anyhow.

Great idea. Think you could do a bit more with it. Along the lines of the deleted first two lines from v1. Make it a bit longer and really develop the relationship.

Thanks Ray & K-j,

I'll see what I can do.

Cheers,

Tristan

Enjoyed version 3, much better start.

That said I stumbled on this:

But it's when we're out
or he looks at me
that I have his full attention.


Doesn't seem grammatically sound. The model line doesn't sit comfortably betwixt the others.

To me the second strophe reads slightly too much like a diary entry, scribbled down ago the end of a busy day. This might be intentional, if so, well done. Perhaps, just perhaps, slightly lacking in poetry for me, though it is touching.

Luke

V3 working very well for me...

But it's when we're out
or he looks at me
that I have his full attention.

The 2nd and 3rd lines are almost tautological. I think you could skip the middle line.

The 2nd and 3rd lines are almost tautological. I think you could skip the middle line.

Yes, that's what it was.

Seconded.

Much enjoyed. I think the poem fully validates the effort you have put in.