Advertising B & B at the Sea Bed Hotel (revised)

[JJWilliamson]

There’s a trench in the sea
where the mermaids hang out
at the greatest hotel of them all,

where pollock and lobsters
line up for a dance
in the depths that can never be trawled.

A sprinkling of pearls
buys a bed for the night,
and some ambergris serves as a pledge,

and the best club around
hears the humpies sing out
to a sound that was once cutting edge.

With Glen’s favourite ’bone
and young Buddy’s guitar
they are swingin’ and rockin’ all night,

and don’t be concerned
by the permanent chill
for the fires are hard to ignite.

See dolphins performing
without eating fish,
watch crab wander straight to the bar,

So don’t miss the party
when you get the chance,
for everyone here is a star.

Phone Heaven’s Reception
to book a God’s suite
and ask for the man on the door.

They call him young Davy,
the locker room chap,
who will gladly reserve you a floor.

Tel 0002 002 2002
Email davyjoneslocker02@finmail.com


Original

There's a ten star hotel
at the bottom of the sea,
that throws a riot
of merriment, dancing
and inclusive deals.

Fifty squid a night
or three perfect pearls
secures a bed,
with no reservations required
for Heaven's alternative,
or so it's said.

Join the Two Mile Deep Club
for a gram of ambergris!
where the theatre bounces
to Neptunes will. There you
will see Glen on the bone
and Buddy's guitar,
eccentric sounds
next door to the bar.

Don't miss the party
at the bottom of the sea,
where nobody screams
and nobody cries.
Watch lobsters quadrille,
see dolphins jive,
where crab are never
boiled alive.

Okay, I know,
so what's the point.
Ask Davy Jones,
he manages the joint.

Tel 0002 002 2002
Email davyjoneslocker02@finmail.com

[JJWilliamson]

Revised with some triple meter rhythms to give it a bounce.

JJ

[elotrooso]

Tried ringing the telephone number provided, but it's always busy. Must be quite the place.

Read the revision first - which I thought well enough done, that I stopped reading the original part way into the second stanza! The revision seemed that much better than the original. Much better rhythm and a much lighter tone which seemed more suited to the piece.

Well done.

Were those pearls that were his eyes?

K

[Grace]

Hi JJ,

This was really fun, very well done, kept me entertained and interested all the way through. I love the last lines!

Grace

[68degrees]

Far too many 'and's' for my tastes, especially at the beginnings of lines. Just a personal preference. I half expected a Disney song to break out somewhere around S2. But that's a good thing.

First name references I don't necessarily need to know to enjoy. As a matter of fact, I had a flash of "Rock 'n' Roll Heaven" (Righteous Brothers) for a half second. "God's suite" a particular fine image.

Enjoyed reading. Thanks. I like your edit.

68degrees

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks K, Grace and 68 for the replies. Much appreciated.

Tried ringing the telephone number provided, but it's always busy. Must be quite the place. ...Keep trying or use ring back.

Read the revision first - which I thought well enough done, that I stopped reading the original part way into the second stanza! The revision seemed that much better than the original. Much better rhythm and a much lighter tone which seemed more suited to the piece. ...Thanks for that. Yes, I pretty much thought the same and also prefer the revision. I've used the light and jaunty rhythms of triple meter to set the tone.

Well done.

Were those pearls that were his eyes?

K

Hi JJ,

This was really fun, very well done, kept me entertained and interested all the way through. I love the last lines!

Grace

Thanks, Grace. I'm really pleased it kept you interested because it's so easy to switch off. It's a light piece about those who have found God's alternative paradise. You have to die or be buried at sea to get there. I initially had the proprietor as Natalie Wood eventually adding Robert Maxwell as an afterthought, but decided it was in bad taste, or didn't suit the theme. Mind you, I had no such qualms about Glen Miller or Buddy Holly.

Far too many 'and's' for my tastes, especially at the beginnings of lines. Just a personal preference. I half expected a Disney song to break out somewhere around S2. But that's a good thing. ...Yes, Disney would do it for me. I know what you mean about the 'ands'. I'll have another look to see where I can strengthen those lines.

First name references I don't necessarily need to know to enjoy. ...Normally, I'd agree, but this is Glen Miller, Buddy Holly and Davy Jones (not the Monkey).

As a matter of fact, I had a flash of "Rock 'n' Roll Heaven" (Righteous Brothers) for a half second. "God's suite" a particular fine image. ...Thank you

Enjoyed reading. Thanks. I like your edit. ...Cheers.

68degrees

My thanks again to all

Best

JJ

[Macavity]

yes, fun indeed JJ - and craft - Disney an obviously thread...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frfadf6LjmE

best

mac

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Mac

Yes, a bit of fun. I'm going to put my serious head back on for a few weeks. Perhaps.

The world and his wife will not believe that I never gave Bedknobs and Broomsticks a thought.

BECAUSE!

It was more of a SpongeBob SquarePants moment.

Doesn't Jessica Fletcher look young.

Best

JJ

[Antcliff]

Fun, JJ

I especially liked the all/trawled pairing.

I did wonder about one point at the end...why the slightly Wooster-ish talk of "chap"? Is it set in the 30s/40s?....or whenever the days of the chaps were.

Seth

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Seth. I think I was having a John Betjeman moment with 'chap'.

Yes, a bit of fun. Nothing deep. Boom, boom!

I'm running out of hats.

Best

JJ