Poetry Forum

Buoyancy


They began to unravel sometime
between first steps and second grade
as their son's milestones go;

now her rising aloofness
fills him with resentment,
and his home-late hot air
frays any affinity
they once shared.

Caring only for their kid,
each clings to the perception
of a happy marriage.

Like two birthday balloons
bound to the same gift
by separate strings,
they wait for one of them
to snap and fly.

Grabbed my attention.

I think that unravel could be exchanged for something relating to balloons, not sure what but the balloon metaphor works so well that unravels stands out as odd.

I don't think you need the Caring only for their kid,- line at all. The image of two separate balloons tied to the gift says it clear enough. Actually, these lines can be reworked to say this more concisely.

frays any affinity
they once shared.

Caring only for their kid,
each clings to the perception
of a happy marriage.

This is a good draft of a pleasing poem.
thanks.

Suzanne

Nice, but its very much a commentary before the end. The end is great, a concrete image one can really see, where the rest is more of an intellectual discussion.

A few suggestions for the sorts of things I try in these situations:

- switching it into the first person. Then discussion becomes speech, and could be one half of the couple addressing the other, or else griping to a friend (in a rare mood of self-knowledge in either case...)

- or make the N an actual observer and show how he observed each of these points (the "home-late hot air" for example should be audible from next door...)

- or inject some personality into the N... give him a viewpoint on this situation... is he sarcastic, regretful, amused or sympathetic?

A little finessing the viewpoint would (to my mind) give the reader more of an "in" into the poem, and it probably only needs a hint, a little can go a long way into letting the reader read more into text...

Ian

Suzanne wrote:Grabbed my attention.

I think that unravel could be exchanged for something relating to balloons, not sure what but the balloon metaphor works so well that unravels stands out as odd.

I don't think you need the Caring only for their kid,- line at all. The image of two separate balloons tied to the gift says it clear enough. Actually, these lines can be reworked to say this more concisely.

frays any affinity
they once shared.

Caring only for their kid,
each clings to the perception
of a happy marriage.

This is a good draft of a pleasing poem.
thanks.

Suzanne

Thank you, Suzanne, for the feedback. I originally did not have the stanza about caring for the child, but worried that the "gift" analogy wouldn't come through clearly. Glad that it did for you. I agree that "unravels" is a weak link for the poem. Would the line "They began to blow up sometime" be too over the top?

bodkin wrote:Nice, but its very much a commentary before the end. The end is great, a concrete image one can really see, where the rest is more of an intellectual discussion.

A few suggestions for the sorts of things I try in these situations:

- switching it into the first person. Then discussion becomes speech, and could be one half of the couple addressing the other, or else griping to a friend (in a rare mood of self-knowledge in either case...)

- or make the N an actual observer and show how he observed each of these points (the "home-late hot air" for example should be audible from next door...)

- or inject some personality into the N... give him a viewpoint on this situation... is he sarcastic, regretful, amused or sympathetic?

A little finessing the viewpoint would (to my mind) give the reader more of an "in" into the poem, and it probably only needs a hint, a little can go a long way into letting the reader read more into text...

Ian

Thanks for the feedback, Ian. I like your suggestions and will be considering them for the next revision.

No, you can't blow up. Lol.

Suzanne wrote:No, you can't blow up. Lol.

Well, you can...

Blow up
verb

1. To become very angry <she blew up at everybody after a very long and very bad day>


Now, it obviously carries the baggage of numerous other meanings, but the phrase (especially here in the American south) is used a lot when referring to people arguing. I just know that people in other regions will not quite see it the same context and that's why I didn't use it.

Well, yes. I know you can blow up. It just would be pushing the metaphor into a comical place.

Can't, as in, not a good idea poetically, in my opinion, in this poem.

Suzanne

I agree that writing it out like that pushes it toward a comical context. However, I am seriously considering:

The blowups began sometime
between first steps and second grade
as their son's milestones go;

Making "blowups" a noun and the subject of the sentence helps nail down the right meaning and context of the word, plus should severely dampen the chances of it being looked at in a comical sense. At least that's my hope. Maybe readers will disagree.

I like it. A lot.

I could, and was about to, suggest a couple of minor revisions, but - on reflection - I think they're gratuitous. They don't add anything.

Nice piece
Cheers
peter

Thanks, Arian. Glad you liked it.

I don't see a problem w/"blowups" at all. I knew what you meant.

The problem to me is the last stanza...introducing the concept of the balloon strings at the end makes it seem like it's part of a different poem. You make a couple of stabs at putting the image in my mind (e.g. rising & hot air) but neither sets the table.

Not sure "buoyancy" is a balloon term, either. Things in water have buoyancy, at least in my mind.

Just my take.

68degrees

68degrees wrote:Not sure "buoyancy" is a balloon term, either. Things in water have buoyancy, at least in my mind.

Scientifically "buoyancy" is fine for a balloon. Hot air balloonists probably call it "lift" instead, but for a party balloon I think you are OK...

However reading it again, I think you are taking "buoyancy" as a general metaphor for what's going wrong with them? e.g. their problem is that they are developing "buoyancy" which is pulling them away...

(I have a weakness, I know, that I never remember to relate the poem title back to the content after reading, I only notice extra correlations when people mention them)

And I am not sure that is quite working here, both for the reason 68 mentioned and also because another common connotation of "buoyancy" is cheerfulness. Which could work, they could both be happy at the prospect of freedom... except that isn't something that (for me) is in the poem, and if it was you would need also to address the conflict between that and the need to care for the kid...

Ian

Xillus_Xavier wrote:Thanks, Arian. Glad you liked it.

By all means call me Peter. We don't stand on ceremony here.
Cheers
Arian

bodkin wrote:

68degrees wrote:Not sure "buoyancy" is a balloon term, either. Things in water have buoyancy, at least in my mind.

Scientifically "buoyancy" is fine for a balloon. Hot air balloonists probably call it "lift" instead, but for a party balloon I think you are OK...

However reading it again, I think you are taking "buoyancy" as a general metaphor for what's going wrong with them? e.g. their problem is that they are developing "buoyancy" which is pulling them away...

(I have a weakness, I know, that I never remember to relate the poem title back to the content after reading, I only notice extraT correlations when people mention them)

And I am not sure that is quite working here, both for the reason 68 mentioned and also because another common connotation of "buoyancy" is cheerfulness. Which could work, they could both be happy at the prospect of freedom... except that isn't something that (for me) is in the poem, and if it was you would need also to address the conflict between that and the need to care for the kid...

Ian

Thank you for the feedback. I will reconsider the title, but I do think it works in several ways here. I'm not going to list every meaning I am trying to convey with this word, and the obvious way has already been mentioned, but I will mention a few others. You are right that buoyancy also means:

the ability of someone or something to continue to be happy, strong, etc., through difficult times.

I think that is an apt description of this situation. Happy is just one option to fit the bill for this definition, not a requirement. Strong is also an option that fits. That's what I'm going for here. This couple, though arguing, is trying to be strong by staying together for the happiness of their child. Of course, the ending indicates they each secretly wish the other would just give up so they won't be seen by the kid as the "bad guy" for ending the relationship.

And, the water-related definition of buoyancy also comes into play (though merely as an added bonus if readers "go there") because this couple is "keeping the marriage afloat" so to speak.

If this reasoning fails to come through to readers I will change it.

Hi,

Yes, in retrospect the problem I was pointing out isn't a big one... just a possible way of taking the title that doesn't gel as well with the main themes.

I do like this, but I also still hold by my original critique, that if the the first three strophes were made as concrete as the last...

Regards,

Ian

bodkin wrote:Hi,

Yes, in retrospect the problem I was pointing out isn't a big one... just a possible way of taking the title that doesn't gel as well with the main themes.

I do like this, but I also still hold by my original critique, that if the the first three strophes were made as concrete as the last...

Regards,

Ian

Thank you. I am taking your advice and currently experimenting with different ways of handling the first three stanzas. Writing in first person introduces a few tough issues that would be hard to overcome, but I'm thinking it over.