A Poem

[Suzanne]

A Poem

I said, just as tenderly
as butterflies rise and fall
when I hear your voice,
each word of a poem
is set into its place.

Write me a poem, you said,
then rolled me onto my back
under a sky of white round
dandelion tufted clouds

and I laced them together
placed a crown upon your head.
And told you, words
are not as easy
to string together as vapor.







.

[Macavity]

hi Suzanne,
I guess that final sentence makes your point with the word 'vapour'. However, then rolled me onto my back provides the dynamic in the poem for me.

An option...

I said, just as tenderly
as butterflies rise and fall
when I hear your voice,
each word is set in place.

Write me a poem, you said,
then rolled me onto my back
under a sky of white dandelion
clocks tufted in clouds

and I laced them together
placed a crown upon your head.

I presumed the parallel use of 'place' was intended.

best

mac

[68degrees]

A Poem

I said, just as tenderly
as butterflies rise and fall
when I hear your voice,
each word of a poem
is set into its place.

Write me a poem, you said,
then rolled me onto my back
under a sky of white round
dandelion tufted clouds

and I laced them together
placed a crown upon your head.
And told you, words
are not as easy
to string together as vapor.







.

Things I like: it's romantic. And personal. And gentle. I said / you said approach.

Things I don't like: The title. Dandelion clouds is cliche. Vapor? I just don't get that.

68degrees

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Mac and 68degrees.

I thought my last lines read awkwardly. I was not completely sold on the word vapor for the clouds but could not think of another word. Ether didn't seem right...

And wondered about my title.

This seems like a poem unfinished.

Thanks for the comments.
Suzanne

[bodkin]

I'd be OK for "vapour" for "clouds" but less so with "clouds" for "words"... How are clouds easy to string together?

Unless you are trying to say stringing clouds is hard? I thought not, but...

There is a saying "as easy as plaiting fog" which means hard (in the sense of hard because ungraspable, rather than because resistant...)

Ian

[Antcliff]

Suzanne....just calling by to say that I really liked the butterfly comparison.

Seth