Bang for Buck

[Wilcken]

Their exchange
is brief. Pussyfoot
and slither.
You could hear
a gum drop. She is all
bread and chocolate.
A bakery lacking
principal

but a commercial-sized
oven and Cinderella Story
street cred.
Her presentation,
the very essence
of transparency. Little
does he know. She notices
his hands. From handling

so much tender.
She checks
his finger, his ring
being the only one she needs
for this arrangement
to work. She puts it all
on the table, a dossier
of scatter-plot data.

He's got
an appetite
for some low hankering
fruit. Fact is, she's played
the forlorn
long shot before,
lurking with underwriters.
"Interest rates are on the rise,"

he thinks to himself
in short terms.
She knows his type.
Dark horse closer. Shark
jumper. Self nipple
pincher. She knows a man like that
believes what he wants to hear,
hands him one of the keys

to her gingerbread store.
Her prospectus,
a fairy tale he signs
just to have a place
in dotted line,
to be a pigeon
in her all-you-can-eat
crumb buffet.

[ray miller]

Do you have gumdrops in USA? Just wondered. I'll probably need to read this a few times more to appreciate fully. But anyhow, some fine turns of phrase.

Their exchange
is brief. Pussyfoot
and slither.
You could hear
a gum drop. She is all
bread and chocolate.
A bakery lacking - there's a few points I find bewildering and this is the main one. It may be principal is a deliberate confusion with principle, but either way I don't get.
principal

but a commercial-sized - for what it's worth the oven had me thinking of Hansel and Gretel.
oven and Cinderella Story
street cred.
Her presentation,
the very essence
of transparency. Little
does he know. She notices
his hands. From handling

so much tender.
She checks
his finger, his ring
being the only one she needs
for this arrangement
to work. She puts it all
on the table, a dossier
of scatter-plot data.

He's got
an appetite
for some low hankering - I like this
fruit. Fact is, she's played
the forlorn
long shot before,
lurking with underwriters.
"Interest rates are on the rise,"

he thinks to himself
in short terms.
She knows his type.
Dark horse closer. Shark
jumper. Self nipple
pincher. She knows a man like that
believes what he wants to hear,
hands him one of the keys

to her gingerbread store. - Hansel and Gretel again!
Her prospectus,
a fairy tale he signs
just to have a place
in dotted line, a dotted line?
to be a pigeon
in her all-you-can-eat
crumb buffet.

Actually, I like the last 3 stanzas very much.

[NotQuiteSure]

Wilcken,
really enjoyed this
(though some of the line breaks left me a bit twitchy).
Found 'commercial sized oven' particularly funny.
Though, like ray, I got lost in the bakery,
and again with dossier/scatter-plot which seems to repeat in the prospectus/dotted line.
The repetition of 'she knows' in S5 seems unnecessary.
Just curious, have you thought of reversing the order of the first two lines?

Regards, Not.
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[Antcliff]

Greetings

I liked this. You are good with these somewhat tense, somewhat ambiguous, worldly male and female situation poems. I read this as another on the, er, adult entertainment theme. Highlights include the oven, gingerbread store...

...and the use of some surprising expressions in a double entendre context.

Such as

lurking with underwriters.

She puts it all
on the table, a dossier
of scatter-plot data.

Rarely have such expressions seemed so freighted with sub-text. Great.


Seth

[Wilcken]

Thank you Seth. That made me smile.

Thank you Ray and Not. You've helped me see clearly what I need to do next and I think I know how I can better present this transaction.

Ray, glad you caught Hansel and Gretel. Not sure if I should push the fairy tale thing as hard as I do with "Cinderella Story" and "Her prospectus,/a fairy tale" but I will be thinking on that.

I won't give away my intention here, but let's see if I can make it better with revision.

And yes. We have gum drops.

Cheers.

Wilcken

[David]

Yes, fun. A bit obscure in places (I thought), but not so much as to spoil the fun. The poem seems so awash with double meanings that you (I) start to think there's loads that you're (I'm) missing. I'm sure there are.

Dark horse closer. Shark
jumper. Self nipple
pincher.

That in itself is an enigmatic little portrait.

Enjoyed it.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

A very enjoyable read for its rhythm, pace and imagery - even if, as David says, it's a bit obscure in places. It read to me like an interview for a business loan or something, but no doubt you had something else in mind. I especially liked:


Dark horse closer. Shark
jumper. Self nipple
pincher. She knows a man like that
believes what he wants to hear,
hands him one of the keys

to her gingerbread store.

Very nice piece.

peter

[Wilcken]

YUSSS! Peter!

Your comment encourages me that I can actually make this work.

The title on the original was "Transaction" but I am still looking for the right title. And there are a few areas I can see will make this come across with a little reduction in the obscurity factor.

Glad you dropped by.

Cheers.

W

[David]

By the by, I thought there was a passing reference to The Boxer (P Simon) in this. Intentional?

David

[NotQuiteSure]

Wilcken,
back for seconds.
Just read Arian's crit (and your response) and I realise I followed the title down a completely different track.
Is this...Real Estate?

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

[bjondon]

You could just call it Pawn.

Too heavy handed for the playfulness here I know.

Maybe 'Brass Monkey'

J