Chopsticks

[k-j]

Your piano, lonely as the winter,
crouches in my house this afternoon;
I attempt a glib, perfunctory tune:
frigid crotchets crepitate and splinter.

Your piano is a jealous creature,
out of tune, unsympathetic, cold,
offering no comfort, better sold:
I'll sound out your old piano teacher.

Keys abandoned, given up, outgrown,
your piano epitaphs acutely
all the times I called you on the phone;
mimics that discordant dialing tone,
amplifies the silence and the mutely
rationalising winter on ones own.

[barrie]

The Muse returns, eh? This one was worth waiting for - ' frigid crotchets crepitate and splinter.' One hell of a line. The whole poem echoes coldness and frustration.

'Your piano is a jealous creature,
out of tune, unsympathetic, cold,
offering no comfort...'

The poem in a nutshell - great verse.

Loved this one k-j - Glad the water's running clear.

cheers

[Ray Trivedi]

your piano epitaphs acutely

The only bit that didn't make any sense to me. What is it trying to say?

[lemur]

I liked really liked this one, found myself responding to it very naturally. I love the idea of the piano crouching.

I read the line Ray brought up as epitaphs being the verb - is that right? - as in, provides a sort of soundtrack to events. 'Mimics that discordant dialing tone' - have you ever heard the start of 'Hey Jupiter' by Tori Amos? Reminded me of that.

One thing I wasn't keen on was the phrase 'the mutely/rationalising winter' - seemed a bit forced, especially as an ending. Wondered as well about the title...apart from being a basic tune everyone learns on the piano, is it relevant to the rest of it?

[k-j]

Thanks guys. Ray, lemur got it. Lemur, not heard 'Hey Jupiter' for a while but you're right, it's apposite. You're also right about the title - I just couldn't think of one. In fact I can almost never think of good titles.

[barrie]

How about 'Discord' as a title? It covers disharmony in music as well as in a relationship.

just a thought

[twoleftfeet]

"Nice one, k-j

Favourite line:

"I'll sound out your old piano teacher."

I like CHOPSTICKS as a title -
I don't play piano, but I seem to remember that CHOPSTICKS
is played only on the black notes. Anyone can learn to
play it, no matter how insincere & half-hearted their overall
commitment may turn out to be.

My only gripe - I dont like "epitaphs" - how about "requiems"?

Great stuff, all the same
Geoff

[pseud]

This deserves a bump and a second look kj. Sonnets always had a special place in my heart.

Here were my problems, see what you think:

I attempt a glib, perfunctory tune:
frigid crotchets crepitate and splinter.

Keys abandoned, given up, outgrown,

"Perfunctory" and "glib" in the same line seems redundant. "Abandoned, given up, outgrown," is the same way. Funny how meter forces us to do that sometimes...

The crotchets/crepitate line just seems overcomplicated. Besides the fact that I had to look crotchets and crepitate up - it seems hard to imagine the actual notes crackling or splintering. The keys could creak, and the exterior could splinter perhaps - but throwing it all into one line?

The rest, however, is golden, to me. And I like the title. Worth the extra polish if you ask me. Well done.

- Caleb