.
v3
Unknown Soldier
She lived in a spartan, silver trailer,
like Jim Rockford's,
only smaller. It caught fire
with every sunset,
drove her mad
in heavy rain.
But all of it was hers
and it was home.
She was no p.i though.
Got no stomach for a mystery
– like why she married him
and his twenty hard years on her,
or where Junior had landed
when he'd gone and left the Service –
too busy getting on with getting on.
But sometimes,
in the twilight,
when Summer outstayed its welcome,
glass half-empty,
slowly melting ice
she thought that, all her life, she'd been a soldier
under fire,
as the line moved on. Leaving her again
in no man's land.
Never was her war,
just what she had been born to,
all she did know,
she had to fight.
No Surrender,
Semper Fi,
and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!
Life is lessons.
Some she had learned well,
though school's barely a memory
– Ten years out of how many? –
and most of what they taught
turned out to be plain wrong. Still,
she studied, got her numbers,
enough to know the price you paid
and letters, let her read the fine print.
She made sure
her name was right there
on the title.
And if she had regrets
it was she never found the time
to join the library,
or learn to dance,
or know the names
of all those pretty stars.
Life gets in the way, she'd say.
So she lived
as best she could;
took the beatings and the bounty
but never once broke down.
She stood up straight
and looked it right back in the eye.
Her heart was set
on Heaven
– Not because the preachers said so,
too self-satisfied and slick to trust –
but because she'd worked so hard
and had never, ever, quit.
Surely that must count for something?
Leave nothing to the atheists.
She didn't believe in them. But she hoped,
against all hope,
that one day she would have her Justice.
Now the black car's coming for her,
through the dust and morning sunshine,
with the dew still on the silver
and skin cold to the touch.
Maybe someone's making a phone call,
booking a seat out on the next flight:
"No it's nothing, don't you worry,
go back to sleep, I'll call you later."
Or maybe not.
Her affairs are all in order,
been that way fifteen years or more,
plot picked out after 'Her Scare',
she never needed telling twice.
Accounts have all been settled,
there's instructions for the masons,
it's her marks they'll be making;
ain’t nobody else’s business, no,
she's told them exactly what to write.
__________
Unknown Soldier
She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's,
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset, near drove her mad
in heavy rain, but each square inch was hers and it was home.
Never was a p.i though, 'got no stomach for a mystery',
like why she married him when he had twenty hard years on her;
or where Junior had landed when he'd gone and left the Service.
She just didn't have the time for the luxury of questions, 'too busy
getting on with getting on'.
Though sometimes, in the twilight, when summer outstayed its welcome,
glass half empty, slowly melting ice; she thought that all her life
she'd been a soldier, under fire, as the line moved on, leaving her again
in no man's land. Never was her war but what she had been born to,
all she did know, she had to fight: No surrender, Semper Fi
and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!
Were some lessons she had learned well, though school's barely a memory,
'ten years out of how many?' And most of what they'd taught turned out
to be plain wrong. Still, she studied, got her numbers, enough to know
what price you paid and letters let her read the fine print. She made sure
her name was right there on the title.
And if she had regrets it was she never found the time
to join the library, or learn to dance, or know the names
of all those pretty stars. 'Life gets in the way', she'd say
and so she lived as best she could, took the beatings
and the bounty, but never once broke down.
Stood up straight and looked it right back in the eye.
She wanted there to be a heaven, not because the preachers said so,
too self-satisfied and slick to trust, but because she'd worked so hard
and had never, ever, quit; 'surely that must count for something?'
Leave nothing to the atheists, she didn't believe in them, but she hoped,
against all hope, that one day she would have her justice.
Now the black car's coming for her, through the dust and morning sunshine,
with the dew still on the silver, skin cold to the touch.
Maybe someone's making a phone call, booking a seat out on the next flight,
trying hard so as not to wake her, 'no it's nothing, don't you worry,
go back to sleep, I'll call you later'; or maybe not.
Her affairs are all in order, been that way fifteen years or more,
plot picked out after her scare, she never needed telling twice.
Accounts already settled, left instructions for the masons,
it's her marks that they'll be making, nobody else's business,
no; she will tell them exactly what to write.
.
Unknown Soldier (v3)
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Thu Mar 09, 2023 3:46 pm, edited 7 times in total.
Very interesting character, Not, and a moving elegy. The last two stanzas are the strongest in my opinion. A few thoughts for your consideration:
NotQuiteSure wrote:Unknown Soldier
The title is a bit melodramatic for a discreet stoic like her.
She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's,
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset, great phrase!
near drove her mad
in heavy rain,
but each square inch was hers and it was home. 'but it was home', simply?
Never was a p.i though, 'got no stomach for a mystery',
like why she married him when he had twenty hard years on her;
or where Junior had landed when he'd gone and left the Service. 'he'd gone' confused me a bit: I think you mean she lost touch with him after he left the Service. Why not simply 'landed after he'd left the Service'?
She just didn't have the time for the luxury of questions, 'too busy
getting on with getting on'. The quote is common parlance; not very distinctive
Though sometimes, in the twilight, when summer outstayed its welcome,
glass half empty, slowly melting ice; nice!
she thought that all her life
she'd been a soldier, under fire, as the line moved on, I'd drop the 'on', which implies advance: that would not leave her in no-man's land
leaving her again
in no man's land. I'd end this stanza here: let this moment's vacillation hang for a bit
Never was her war but what she had been born to,
all she did know, she had to fight: No surrender, Semper Fi
and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!
Were some lessons she had learned well, Not sure I understand the syntax here
though school's barely a memory,
'ten years out of how many?' And most of what they'd taught turned out
to be plain wrong. Still, she studied, got her numbers, enough to know
what price you paid and letters let her read the fine print. Very good, gritty. The phrasing confused me a bit, though: what about 'enough to know what price to pay and how to read the fine print'?
She made sure
her name was right there on the title.
And if she had regrets it was she never found the time
to join the library, or learn to dance, or know the names
of all those pretty stars. 'Life gets in the way', she'd say
and so she lived as best she could, took the beatings
and the bounty great phrase - not sure it's idiomatic. If not, very good!
, but never once broke down.
Stood up straight and looked it right back in the eye.
She wanted there to be a heaven, not because the preachers said so,
too self-satisfied and slick to trust, but because she'd worked so hard
and had never, ever, quit; 'surely that must count for something?'
Leave nothing to the atheists, she didn't believe in them, but she hoped,
against all hope, that one day she would have her justice.
Now the black car's coming for her, through the dust and morning sunshine, Beautiful verse
with the dew still on the silver, skin cold to the touch. Which silver? The car's?
Maybe someone's making a phone call, booking a seat out on the next flight,
trying hard so as not to wake her, 'no it's nothing, don't you worry,
go back to sleep, I'll call you later'; or maybe not. Not sure I understand what's happening anymore. Is she dead or not?
Her affairs are all in order, been that way fifteen years or more, Yes, she is
plot picked out after her scare, she never needed telling twice.
Accounts already settled, left instructions for the masons,
it's her marks that they'll be making, nobody else's business,
no; she will tell them exactly what to write. Great ending
-
churinga
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 478
- Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:54 am
- Location: Sydney, Australia
- Contact:
She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's,
Who remembers the Rockford Files?
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset, near drove her mad
in heavy rain,
Clever enjambment ambiquity.
she'd been a soldier, under fire, as the line moved on, leaving her again
in no man's land. Never was her war but what she had been born to,
all she did know, she had to fight: No surrender, Semper Fi
and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!
It's pedantic but 'Semper Fi and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!' I associate with WW2 not WW1.
It reads well and I agree the last two verses seem to pick up the dramatic element that began it, the middle section is more descriptive, but it is all good.
Who remembers the Rockford Files?
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset, near drove her mad
in heavy rain,
Clever enjambment ambiquity.
she'd been a soldier, under fire, as the line moved on, leaving her again
in no man's land. Never was her war but what she had been born to,
all she did know, she had to fight: No surrender, Semper Fi
and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!
It's pedantic but 'Semper Fi and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!' I associate with WW2 not WW1.
It reads well and I agree the last two verses seem to pick up the dramatic element that began it, the middle section is more descriptive, but it is all good.
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Thanks very much for your time and the critique Joao,
much appreciated.
The title is a bit melodramatic for a discreet stoic like her.
- I know, hence my uncertainty - so any alternative suggestions
welcome. That said, it does allow for an unwritten ending in that
what she tells the masons to write might be;
Here rests in honored glory
an American soldier
known but to God.
Which is the inscription form the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
(in Arlington)
She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's,
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset,
great phrase!
- thank you.
near drove her mad
in heavy rain,
but each square inch was hers and it was home.
'but it was home', simply?
- It costs me the rhythm.
Never was a p.i though, 'got no stomach for a mystery',
like why she married him when he had twenty hard years on her;
or where Junior had landed when he'd gone and left the Service.
'he'd gone' confused me a bit: I think you mean she lost touch with him after he left the Service.
Why not simply 'landed after he'd left the Service'?
- There's the, doubtless too subtle, reading in which she lost touch with him
when he'd gone (left home) and, in a sense, again, when he left the Service but
never returned home.
She just didn't have the time for the luxury of questions, 'too busy
getting on with getting on'.
The quote is common parlance; not very distinctive
- Precisely, it fits with her (in the way you say the title does not
)
Though sometimes, in the twilight, when summer outstayed its welcome,
glass half empty, slowly melting ice;
nice!
she thought that all her life
she'd been a soldier, under fire, as the line moved on,
I'd drop the 'on', which implies advance: that would not leave her in no-man's land
- Apart from 'no man's land' shifting over time, I need the beat given by 'on'.
leaving her again
in no man's land.
I'd end this stanza here: let this moment's vacillation hang for a bit
- Good point. Thanks
...
Were some lessons she had learned well,
Not sure I understand the syntax here
- Chose to drop the beginning 'there' for the rhythm,
but I think you're right about the syntax, how about;
'There were some lessons she'd learned well' ?
though school's barely a memory,
'ten years out of how many?' And most of what they'd taught turned out
to be plain wrong. Still, she studied, got her numbers, enough to know
what price you paid and letters let her read the fine print.
Very good, gritty. The phrasing confused me a bit, though:
what about 'enough to know what price to pay and how to read the fine print'?
- Rhythm again, I'm afraid.
...
and so she lived as best she could, took the beatings
and the bounty
great phrase - not sure it's idiomatic. If not, very good!
- Thanks, it isn't idiomatic (as far as I know) but it felt right
(and allows for the more predictable 'getting on with getting on', I hope)
...
Now the black car's coming for her, through the dust and morning sunshine,
Beautiful verse
Thank you
with the dew still on the silver, skin cold to the touch.
Which silver? The car's?
- The trailer.
Maybe someone's making a phone call, booking a seat out on the next flight,
trying hard so as not to wake her, 'no it's nothing, don't you worry,
go back to sleep, I'll call you later'; or maybe not.
Not sure I understand what's happening anymore. Is she dead or not?
- She is, and 'maybe' someone is calling her son to inform him...'or maybe not'
...
no; she will tell them exactly what to write.
Great ending
- Thanks.
Regards, Not.
________________________________________________________________________
Hi churinga.
She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's,
Who remembers the Rockford Files?
- Surely the question is, who doesn't?
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset, near drove her mad
in heavy rain,
Clever enjambment ambiquity.
- Thanks.
...
all she did know, she had to fight: No surrender, Semper Fi
and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!
It's pedantic but 'Semper Fi and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!' I associate with WW2 not WW1.
- Nothing wrong with pedantry, and you're right of course. I think my problem was I couldn't decide
when this was set. It could be any time after 13 September 1974 (which I don't need to tell you
is when Rockford first aired).
Thanks for the read.
Regards, Not.
.
Thanks very much for your time and the critique Joao,
much appreciated.
The title is a bit melodramatic for a discreet stoic like her.
- I know, hence my uncertainty - so any alternative suggestions
welcome. That said, it does allow for an unwritten ending in that
what she tells the masons to write might be;
Here rests in honored glory
an American soldier
known but to God.
Which is the inscription form the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
(in Arlington)
She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's,
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset,
great phrase!
- thank you.
near drove her mad
in heavy rain,
but each square inch was hers and it was home.
'but it was home', simply?
- It costs me the rhythm.
Never was a p.i though, 'got no stomach for a mystery',
like why she married him when he had twenty hard years on her;
or where Junior had landed when he'd gone and left the Service.
'he'd gone' confused me a bit: I think you mean she lost touch with him after he left the Service.
Why not simply 'landed after he'd left the Service'?
- There's the, doubtless too subtle, reading in which she lost touch with him
when he'd gone (left home) and, in a sense, again, when he left the Service but
never returned home.
She just didn't have the time for the luxury of questions, 'too busy
getting on with getting on'.
The quote is common parlance; not very distinctive
- Precisely, it fits with her (in the way you say the title does not
)Though sometimes, in the twilight, when summer outstayed its welcome,
glass half empty, slowly melting ice;
nice!
she thought that all her life
she'd been a soldier, under fire, as the line moved on,
I'd drop the 'on', which implies advance: that would not leave her in no-man's land
- Apart from 'no man's land' shifting over time, I need the beat given by 'on'.
leaving her again
in no man's land.
I'd end this stanza here: let this moment's vacillation hang for a bit
- Good point. Thanks
...
Were some lessons she had learned well,
Not sure I understand the syntax here
- Chose to drop the beginning 'there' for the rhythm,
but I think you're right about the syntax, how about;
'There were some lessons she'd learned well' ?
though school's barely a memory,
'ten years out of how many?' And most of what they'd taught turned out
to be plain wrong. Still, she studied, got her numbers, enough to know
what price you paid and letters let her read the fine print.
Very good, gritty. The phrasing confused me a bit, though:
what about 'enough to know what price to pay and how to read the fine print'?
- Rhythm again, I'm afraid.
...
and so she lived as best she could, took the beatings
and the bounty
great phrase - not sure it's idiomatic. If not, very good!
- Thanks, it isn't idiomatic (as far as I know) but it felt right
(and allows for the more predictable 'getting on with getting on', I hope)
...
Now the black car's coming for her, through the dust and morning sunshine,
Beautiful verse
Thank you
with the dew still on the silver, skin cold to the touch.
Which silver? The car's?
- The trailer.
Maybe someone's making a phone call, booking a seat out on the next flight,
trying hard so as not to wake her, 'no it's nothing, don't you worry,
go back to sleep, I'll call you later'; or maybe not.
Not sure I understand what's happening anymore. Is she dead or not?
- She is, and 'maybe' someone is calling her son to inform him...'or maybe not'
...
no; she will tell them exactly what to write.
Great ending
- Thanks.
Regards, Not.
________________________________________________________________________
Hi churinga.
She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's,
Who remembers the Rockford Files?
- Surely the question is, who doesn't?
maybe smaller. It caught fire with every sunset, near drove her mad
in heavy rain,
Clever enjambment ambiquity.
- Thanks.
...
all she did know, she had to fight: No surrender, Semper Fi
and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!
It's pedantic but 'Semper Fi and Al Pacino's last Hoo-ah!' I associate with WW2 not WW1.
- Nothing wrong with pedantry, and you're right of course. I think my problem was I couldn't decide
when this was set. It could be any time after 13 September 1974 (which I don't need to tell you
is when Rockford first aired).
Thanks for the read.
Regards, Not.
.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sat Jun 19, 2021 3:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Yes, interesting character but slightly too enigmatic for me.
I was almost moved at times, but then with each extra layer of mystery I was further alienated from her, perhaps as she was from the society in which she lived. Perhaps that is the point?
If so, bravo!
engaging writing nonetheless.
L
I was almost moved at times, but then with each extra layer of mystery I was further alienated from her, perhaps as she was from the society in which she lived. Perhaps that is the point?
If so, bravo!
engaging writing nonetheless.
L
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Thanks for the read Luke.
Alienation aside (and yes that was part of the point),
I don't think she's a likeable character, which is, perhaps,
also what you're reacting to, but she's written how she
wanted to be (if that makes any sense )
Regards, Not.
.
Thanks for the read Luke.
Alienation aside (and yes that was part of the point),
I don't think she's a likeable character, which is, perhaps,
also what you're reacting to, but she's written how she
wanted to be (if that makes any sense
)Regards, Not.
.
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
- a rather belated rewrite -
A readable, narrative piece Not.
summer outstayed its welcome
what she had been born to
turned out to be plain wrong
what price you paid
let her read the fine print
it was she never found the time
looked it right back in the eye.
etc
- a default to familiar phrases, a device to convey the cliche of her life?
Just genre interest, a piece I read in Atrium:
https://atriumpoetry.com/2021/06/15/the-big-sleep-matt-pitt/
cheers
mac
drove her madShe lived in a spartan silver trailer,
like Jim Rockford's, maybe but smaller.....maybe/perhaps weaken, definites, confidence convince/reassure the reader
It caught fire with every sunset,
drove her mad in heavy rain.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a more personal, less familiar, modifier needed? needling, gattling
But all of it was hers and it was home.
summer outstayed its welcome
what she had been born to
turned out to be plain wrong
what price you paid
let her read the fine print
it was she never found the time
looked it right back in the eye.
etc
- a default to familiar phrases, a device to convey the cliche of her life?
Just genre interest, a piece I read in Atrium:
https://atriumpoetry.com/2021/06/15/the-big-sleep-matt-pitt/
cheers
mac
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi mac,
thanks for the read
- a default to familiar phrases, a device to convey the cliche of her life?
Pretty much, she's rather plain spoken (I think) and they suit her.
maybe/perhaps weaken, definites, confidence convince/reassure the reader
I might stretch to 'only' but I like the element of doubt, N isn't all knowing here. Plus, trying to judge the size of those trailers is tricky I'm just pleased I found spartan (which could have been Spartan).
Regards, Not
thanks for the read
- a default to familiar phrases, a device to convey the cliche of her life?
Pretty much, she's rather plain spoken (I think) and they suit her.
maybe/perhaps weaken, definites, confidence convince/reassure the reader
I might stretch to 'only' but I like the element of doubt, N isn't all knowing here. Plus, trying to judge the size of those trailers is tricky
I'm just pleased I found spartan (which could have been Spartan).Regards, Not
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
And fine words they are too, Amadis, but what do they mean?
I was intrigued by your title as I used it for a poem recently to. In the UK we have ‘the tomb of the unknown soldier’.
I do not know who Jim Rockford is or was. I love the metaphor of the caravan catching fire each night and the contrast in the opening stanza of hating the rain (I presume because of noise on the tin roof and possible leaks) but loving her home because it was hers.
I suspect you are American, I am British by the way. I do not understand many of your references in the second verse. This is not to say you shouldn’t use them, it is just a comment that some audience may be confused.
I think the third stanza is probably the best (for me). I relate to the references and the touching on the futility of war (connected to the reference in v2 of her child being in the army. I was unsure at this point if this was remembered with pride or regret.)
You seem to change tense in v 5 and I am unsure if this is intentional or a mistake. I would say ‘thought school was barely a memory’. In the following verse I would say ‘it was that she’ but that could be my British grammar.
I am not sure if it’s just me but I love the way the subject matter is only just dawning on me half way through. My favourite lyrics are ‘woman in the wall’ by The beautiful south. Maybe worth looking them up.
I do not know who Jim Rockford is or was. I love the metaphor of the caravan catching fire each night and the contrast in the opening stanza of hating the rain (I presume because of noise on the tin roof and possible leaks) but loving her home because it was hers.
I suspect you are American, I am British by the way. I do not understand many of your references in the second verse. This is not to say you shouldn’t use them, it is just a comment that some audience may be confused.
I think the third stanza is probably the best (for me). I relate to the references and the touching on the futility of war (connected to the reference in v2 of her child being in the army. I was unsure at this point if this was remembered with pride or regret.)
You seem to change tense in v 5 and I am unsure if this is intentional or a mistake. I would say ‘thought school was barely a memory’. In the following verse I would say ‘it was that she’ but that could be my British grammar.
I am not sure if it’s just me but I love the way the subject matter is only just dawning on me half way through. My favourite lyrics are ‘woman in the wall’ by The beautiful south. Maybe worth looking them up.
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi chartsoft,
thanks for the read.
Jim Rockford's easy enough to google (and will explain some of the second verse) if you're so inclined, but glad you enjoyed it without getting all the references.
Appreciate the song introduction, I enjoy listening to the Beautiful South (or the Housemartins) - but more in a 'when they come on' kind of way. As to 'Woman in the Wall', I want to know what happens to him, the song seems to end the story half-way through.
Oh, and no. Not American. Just a vernacular enjoying Londoner.
Thanks again,
Not
.
thanks for the read.
Jim Rockford's easy enough to google (and will explain some of the second verse) if you're so inclined, but glad you enjoyed it without getting all the references.
Appreciate the song introduction, I enjoy listening to the Beautiful South (or the Housemartins) - but more in a 'when they come on' kind of way. As to 'Woman in the Wall', I want to know what happens to him, the song seems to end the story half-way through.
Oh, and no. Not American. Just a vernacular enjoying Londoner.
Thanks again,
Not
.