Taking flight

[Richard]

Your mother told me you were
asking after Dadda in your weh weh

English, in the half words, that you
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

You are your own, an empty sense
but full of music and there will be

words eventually. For if I leave without
a splash in the papers or the Ocean,

know I will have placed a hat in a drawer
for you to put on whilst alone.

You will say, Dad, I have your hat. A hat
upturned for a song. A song that is gone.

------------
V1 was the same save for S2 which read...

English, in the half words, that are
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

[1lankest]

First impression: excellent.

Proof that something sad can be uplifting (must learn lesson!).

The only bit I’m not sure about is, ironically, um um um. Not sure what it refers to and it just doesn’t sound right.

Everything else forms a poignant, original poem you should be proud of.

L

[Richard]

Oh, thank you very much!

I wonder if this deals with the problem....?

English, in the half words, that you
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

Best

R

[CalebPerry]

Do you understand the poem, Luke? I understand that it is about a baby that isn't talking yet, but that's about all. I don't get the line about the papers or the ocean, and I'm not sure I understand the hat metaphor.

[Macavity]

Enjoyed this Richard, though sad. In particular, the image of the child connecting with the parent by wearing the hat (an image which led me to search out the original)

Your mother told me you were
asking after Dadda in your weh weh

English, in the half words, that you
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

You are your own, an empty sense ...do the sounds make sense to the baby/toddler?
but full of music and there will be

words eventually. For if I leave without
a splash in the papers or the Ocean,

know I will have placed a hat in a drawer
for you to put on whilst alone.

You will say, Dad, I have your hat. A hat ...a song and dance routine? Or like a busker?
upturned for a song. A song that is gone.

------------
V1 was the same save for S2 which read...

English, in the half words, that are
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

[JJWilliamson]

How delightfully sad and warming at one and the same time. A peaceful and loving poem that moved me.

Best

JJ

[1lankest]

Yes that helps, Richard. The only thing I don’t fully grasp is the hat - it is clearly a significant motif but I’m not sure where it fits.

Luke

[Richard]

Thanks Luke.

I'm not sure there is a great deal to say about the hat: it's something N has left behind for his child, something that echoes (not the right word but you get the idea I hope) his presence; it's empty; its turned over in the manner of someone asking for something but not receiving.

JJ - thank you very much too.

R

[churinga]

Hi Richard

English, in the half words, that you
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.
I think one 'um' would do both for meaning and meter or put um-um-um,to get the sound closer to a baby's vocalising.


You are your own, an empty sense
'empty sense' sounds original but I am unclear as to what it means.


a splash in the papers or the Ocean,
I like the use of 'splash' but most people get their news online. You could use 'news' instead of 'papers',
Ocean should not be capitalised.

know I will have placed a hat in a drawer
You could assume the reader knows who places the hat in the drawer, and shorten this line to
know a hat is in the drawer


You will say, Dad, I have your hat. A hat
upturned for a song. A song that is gone.
[i]I would shorten that is to that's, I think it improves the meter. I'm not sure enjambing '..A hat' helps the sonics. The couplet format is in some ways a hindrance, it prevents you from manipulating line lengths to make the sonics more agreeable. i would consider experimenting with a free verse format.

Great poem, really good.

Cheers

Ross

[David]

Yes, I agree. Really good, Richard.

Cheers

David