Poetry Forum

Revision

I see them in passing, feeding chickens,
logging, armed with hatchets, secateurs
and spades. We smile, wave, trade onions
for eggs. They weave their industry through
tracts of smallholding, connecting polytunnels,
compost-heaps, pens, livestock gadding
in their wake. They’ll dog-sit when asked,
reciprocity unspoken. Naturally, head-shakes
signal consent: yes, yes of course, whenever.
Rarely, precisely because it matters, do we
discuss the weather. They’ve studied charts,
forecasts, diurnal secrets of sea and sky;
they know it’s sure to rain. Certainty breeds
silence. It radiates in the perfect squares
of sash windows - kitchen, study where they
read, puzzle-solve, draft letters to grown-up
kids and grandkids who visit often. The only
lights are those they need. Tomorrow, fresh
with sleep, they’ll perform the tasks agreed
in advance, without pause or stolen skyward
glance.

Original

I see them in passing, feeding chickens, logging.
Armed with hatchets, secateurs and trugs. We smile, wave.
Trade onions for eggs. Together they weave their industry
through tracts of smallholding, connecting polytunnels
compost heaps, pens. Livestock gadding in their wake.
When asked, they’ll dog-sit
in return for unspoken pledges of reciprocity.
Naturally, head-shakes signal consent: yes, yes, of course, whenever.
Rarely, precisely because it matters, do we discuss the weather.
They’ve studied the charts, forecasts, diurnal secrets
of sea and sky. They know it’s sure to rain.
Certainty breeds silence. I see it most evenings, radiating
in the perfect squares of sash windows - kitchen, the study
where they read, puzzle-solve, draft letters to grown-up children
and grandchildren who write back and visit often.
The only lights are those they need. Tomorrow,
fresh with sleep, they’ll perform the tasks tacitly agreed
without pause or stolen skyward glance.

.
Another of those rather impenetrable blocks of text, Luke

so if you'll permit this rearrangement
(mainly for my own convenience).
Just one or two snips ...honest.


I see them in passing, feeding
chickens, logging. Armed
with secateurs, trugs and hatchets.

We wave, smile, trade:
onions for eggs. Together
they weave their industry

through tracts of smallholding(s),
polytunnels connecting compost
heaps, pens. Gadding
livestock in their wake.

They'll dog-sit when asked,
reciprocity unspoken. Naturally,
head-shakes signal consent: yes,

yes, of course, whenever.
Rarely, precisely because it matters,
do we discuss the weather.

They’ve studied charts, forecasts,
diurnal secrets of sea and sky.
They know it’s sure to rain.
Certainty breeds silence.

I see it most evenings,
radiating in the perfect squares
of sash windows - kitchen,

study, where they read, puzzle-
solve, draft letters: children
and grandchildren write back

and visit often. The only lights
are those they need. Tomorrow, fresh
with sleep, [those] tasks tacitly agreed
[performed] without pause or skyward glance.


My only real problem, aside from layout, is the line
'Together they weave their industry'. It just seems to
be trying too hard - could 'weaving industry' work?
(Not sure one can be 'armed' with a 'trug' but nevermind.)
'fresh with sleep' seems a bit long (rhythmically).
Overall it reads very well.
Especially liked 'Certainty breeds silence'.


Not that keen on the title (it seems a bit 'technical' and
at odds with the language of the piece).


Regards, Not.


.

I agree that some more reader-friendly arrangement of the text would be welcome, but I'm not sure that Not's is the one.

It's a good read. I like the title - it's not that technical, is it? I think it's passed into general usage. And it sets the tone of the poem very well.

Cheers

David

Hi luke,
I do like this, every meaty line packed with interest and humour,
a sort of martian anthropologist thing going on.
My fave: 'When asked they'll dog-sit' which amusingly seems
to be the only actual symbiosis going on between the N and 'these people'
… just spotted the onions but I think the point stands, he/she/it is more
an observer than a participant.
The strange tribe being documented is not profligate, brash, inconsiderate . . .
it's all quite utopian - they love each other - everything's going fine.
The 'Livestock gadding in their wake' - has a disturbing edge to it;
the 'stolen skyward glance' suggests the N knows something all
their humble mastery and industry has not prepared them for. (Am I projecting?)
The style reminds me a bit of Michel Faber's superb SF masterpieces
Under the Skin and The Book of Strange New Things.
I like the constraint, the underplay but maybe tbere's a certain umpf missing.
Though it does seem to get better on each reading.
- My one niggle is 'in return for unspoken pledges of reciprocity' - maybe a martianism
too far - 'the return of favours silently understood'?
I wonder if 'The Symbionts' would be a marginally more directive title?
Also, though I note an anti-slab consensus, it might work to make it even more
slabby, justified both left and right, maybe split almost arbitrarily into three perfect
rectangles.
Best regards,
Julses

Thanks not, David, Jules.

Really helpful.

I’ve taken parts of advice from all of you and revised accordingly.

I like your title idea, Jules.

Hope you approve...

L

Hi 1lankest,

This is a great read and it seems as though you have diligently worked through each word and image closely.

I enjoyed the words and images, yet was left with feeling that it lacked context or a container -- and that may have been your intention. I see two possible readings of this piece and this kind of ambiguity can be enticing. If a poet gives not even an indirect nod, the poem can take on a life of its own .

Well done.

Pinky

Thanks Pinky, and very pleased to meet you.

The style reminds me a bit of Michel Faber's superb SF masterpieces
Under the Skin and The Book of Strange New Things.

I’ve just ordered a copy, Jules. Ta. What do you think of the revision?

L

.
Hi Luke,
back again.
The title's still a bit ill-fitting, for me, why not
the simpler 'Neighbours' or 'Trade-offs' ?

- 'their industry' - still seems a bit heavy handed,
to me, why not 'industriously' ?
- 'when asked' - unnecessary (not likely todo it if
not asked, surely?)
- 'perfect squares of' - also unnecessary, I think.
It radiates in the sash windows of kitchens and
studies... ?
- 'puzzle-solve', not convincing (for some reason,
I think I don't buy that they are all crossword, or
similar, fanatics). Also, I keep on reading 'draft'
as in 'preliminary sketch'.
- 'grandkids' - there's an ambiguity here, are the
grandkids also grown-up?
- 'Tomorrow...' - think you could cut this (though
I like without a skyward glance) as ending on
'the only lights are those they need' seems a
more emphatic assertion of character.


Regards, Not.


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