Poetry Forum

He held himself,
so his knees were worn on the dirty floor.
Pushed down to the ground,
back to the start.

“Get up” she declared,
as her eyes pierced through his.
Stand tall, look the world in the eye.
“Cant you see I'm trying?” he retorted,
as he merged his cheek with the dark, damp mud.

His hips contract,
the balls of his feet grasp the sliding dirt.
Crack. His legs are screaming again.
Creak. His arched back lunges towards the sky,
fingers outstretched swing against the forces,
mud is hurled in Ten directions.

Eyebrows flutter as she rolls her eyes,
his pupils meet the dilated horizon.
How he fell he cannot remember.
But one thing is for sure,
he will fall again.

Made me think of the newest version of Batman, when young master Bruce falls the butler tells him to get up again.

This is something of a vignette. I like what was done with "creak" and "crack".

Hello James,
Just a few suggestions

He held himself,
so his knees were worn on the dirty floor. <<opening a bit unclear. Sounds like it was on purpose or in order to...
Pushed down to the ground,
back to the start.

“Get up” she declared,
as her eyes pierced through his.
Stand tall, look the world in the eye. <<too many references to 'eye'. Like to see a simile for eye.
“Cant you see I'm trying?” he retorted,
as he merged his cheek with the dark, damp mud. <<in rather than with?
His hips contract,
the balls of his feet grasp the sliding dirt. <<I can see toes but not balls of feet.

Crack. His legs are screaming again.
Creak. His arched back lunges towards the sky,
fingers outstretched swing against the forces, <<forces of what?
mud is hurled in Ten directions. <<Did you mean capitalized Ten or was this a typo? If not, then what does Ten refer to? Symbolic?
Eyebrows flutter as she rolls her eyes, <<How do eyebrows flutter? Maybe eyelashes...

his pupils meet the dilated horizon. <<like much
How he fell he cannot remember.
But one thing is for sure,
he will fall again.

Cheers,
Julia

hmmm soem gd points. Thge eyebrows should be eyelashes seems amazingly obvious now. The 'Ten' was intentionally capitalised to try and put some emphasis on the split personality that a person often seems to develop after a fall from grace. With regards to the eye emphasis, the underlying theme of the poem was to do with perspective. I thought a simile may have taken away from the physicality of the poem but the "pupils meet the dilated horizon" was intended to cover the idea of eyes and perspective. The idea of merging "with" the mud rather than "in" was meant to imply that he did it consciously; like the depression which many people intentionally fall into after a setback to try and release theiur hate and frustration on themselves. Some good advice, I will change the eyebrows line and apologies if my reply seems a little defensive

james