Still Life (was Boots)
Revision
These you left, canvassed in paint,
cement; shaped to the slow
inevitable tread
of years
skewed by the door
as they fell.
I leave them there:
leather, lace, the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over.
Original
These you left, canvassed in paint,
cement, shaped to the slow
inevitable tread
of years,
skewed by the door
as they fell.
I leave them here:
smiles of instep-
curves, crud, maze
of unravelled lace.
They’ve become the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over;
these gnarled
leathery wounds.
These you left, canvassed in paint,
cement; shaped to the slow
inevitable tread
of years
skewed by the door
as they fell.
I leave them there:
leather, lace, the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over.
Original
These you left, canvassed in paint,
cement, shaped to the slow
inevitable tread
of years,
skewed by the door
as they fell.
I leave them here:
smiles of instep-
curves, crud, maze
of unravelled lace.
They’ve become the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over;
these gnarled
leathery wounds.
Last edited by 1lankest on Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:35 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Hi Luke
I like a boot poem and you have some good word resonance here. The sparce style fits too.
mac
I like a boot poem and you have some good word resonance here. The sparce style fits too.
cheers1lankest wrote: ↑Sat Feb 02, 2019 9:46 pmThese you left, canvassed in paint,
cement, shaped to the slow
inevitable tread ....................a destined predictability?
of years,
skewed by the door
as they fell.
I leave them here:
smiles of instep-
curves, crud, maze
of unravelled lace.
They’ve become the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over;
these gnarled
leathery wounds.
mac
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Enjoyed this Luke,
a lot from a little.
You could cut 'these you left' by adding 'your' to the title.
Don't think you need L11/12 as 'wounds' says more with
less ('gnarled leathery' seems clunky).
Just a suggestion:
Your Boots
maze of unravelled lace.
canvassed in paint,
cement, skewed
Instep smiles,
by the door
as they fell.
[cracked skin],
crud [scabbed,]
shaped to the slow
inevitable tread,
I step over [and] over;
these wounds.
Regards, Not.
.
Enjoyed this Luke,
a lot from a little.
You could cut 'these you left' by adding 'your' to the title.
Don't think you need L11/12 as 'wounds' says more with
less ('gnarled leathery' seems clunky).
Just a suggestion:
Your Boots
maze of unravelled lace.
canvassed in paint,
cement, skewed
Instep smiles,
by the door
as they fell.
[cracked skin],
crud [scabbed,]
shaped to the slow
inevitable tread,
I step over [and] over;
these wounds.
Regards, Not.
.
This is a nice one, Luke.
I wonder about "canvassed" - as the recipient of the paint and cement, I suppose. A simpler word might suffice here - "caked", even, although it's something of a cliché, so maybe not, but something less showy. "Covered"? I leave it to you.
I'm not sure "votive" seems quite right either. Interesting when combined with "you", though.
I would stop at " over, over". I like the repetition.
Cheers
David
I wonder about "canvassed" - as the recipient of the paint and cement, I suppose. A simpler word might suffice here - "caked", even, although it's something of a cliché, so maybe not, but something less showy. "Covered"? I leave it to you.
I'm not sure "votive" seems quite right either. Interesting when combined with "you", though.
I would stop at " over, over". I like the repetition.
Cheers
David
Hi 1lankest,
Upon seeing the title I was expecting stomping and exits, so was pleasantly surprised by your boot shrine. The loss and haunting come across slowly and surely.
Pinky
Upon seeing the title I was expecting stomping and exits, so was pleasantly surprised by your boot shrine. The loss and haunting come across slowly and surely.
This is an interesting twister that needs some attention and so may interrupt the flow of the read and take the spotlight away from "the votive you".These you left, canvassed in paint
Skewed makes me think of BBQ and data analysis. I guess you were using variant of askew. I wonder if there are better options? Maybe always askew ?skewed by the door
Maybe instead of "here" use "there", pointing at some internal distance and at the door.I leave them here
Pinky
- CalebPerry
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I'd like the poem to say more about why the boots represent "wounds". Is the owner of the boots not coming back? Is that why the boots have become a shrine?
"there" would be better than "here". Not sure what "smiles" means in this context.
"there" would be better than "here". Not sure what "smiles" means in this context.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Really like this Luke - I also live in my dad's house, keep finding
new, oddly haunted corners. Tidy them up or put them in a
box and they just vanish.
Jules
new, oddly haunted corners. Tidy them up or put them in a
box and they just vanish.
Regards,1lankest wrote: ↑Sat Feb 02, 2019 9:46 pmThese you left, canvassed in paint, . . . . good opener - the N's inheritance. I think 'canvassed in' works, even though it is virtually
cement, shaped to the slow . . . . . . . . . . . . a neologism meaning 'turned into a canvas by' - it makes a distinctive separation
between the father's artisanal life and the son's artistic perspective . . . . you suspect he wouldn't have approved of such a notion
and that is part of its point. I think I would put a semi-colon after 'cement'.
inevitable tread
of years,
skewed by the door . . . . . this almost feels like the doorway to death, a sense of being struck down, perhaps before his time
as they fell.
I leave them here: . . . . . .the here/there question - there' would be more expected but suggests a putting away, 'here' somehow designates it more as a special place, held in the mind
smiles of instep- . . . . an awkward line break for me, 'curves' wanting to be a verb. I like 'smiles of instep' as is.
curves, crud, maze
of unravelled lace.
They’ve become the votive-you . . . . . the poem seems to revolve around two spotlit very conscious articulations, the 'votive-you' and 'canvassed in' - they ask for our attention and hold the key
each morning and evening
I step over, over; . . . . . I would end here too. It is clear there are conflicted emotions here and the final couplet feels unnecessary.
these gnarled
leathery wounds.
Jules
I think it’s excellent until the fifth stanza (I prefer ‘here’ to ‘there’ at the end of stanza 4. It shows N’s proximity to the boots) which is nowhere near as lucid or lyrical as what came before and has a distracting rhyme (maze/lace) that shouts it presence at you - totally out of place in this poem I’d say. IMO this stanza needs simplifying and cleaning out so it matches the simplicity, tone and ludity of the previous stanzas. I like ‘the votive you’ and the end. I also like the ‘votive-you/wound thread/rhyme. The juxtaposition adds value to the end.
Cheers,
Tristan
PS. I think the title could do more, and think the reader would get more out of the poem by working out the object’s identify as they read the poem. It’s clear by line 4 anyways.
Cheers,
Tristan
PS. I think the title could do more, and think the reader would get more out of the poem by working out the object’s identify as they read the poem. It’s clear by line 4 anyways.
I’m feeling a bit left out Luke. That said, that’s not much of a response either considering the amount of detailed feedback you received. It would be good to see a bit more engagement with individuals’ comments.
Cheers,
Tristan
Sorry I missed you, Tristan, really wasn’t intentional. Of course I value your input as much as anyones. You're a terrific reader and writer of poetry.
My replies are usually rushed, regrettably. I’m a teacher in a 7 day week boarding school and my days are 12 hours without breaks, even for lunch (we eat with the kids).
I barely have time to write any poetry, let alone engage in lengthy exchanges about the minutiae of mine or others’ poems.
I always consider everyone’s comments and revise my work accordingly. I thought it was enough to respond indirectly in this manner, perhaps not. Happy to take my leave if moderators judge my contributions to be inadequate, I really don’t have time for more.
Cheers,
Luke
My replies are usually rushed, regrettably. I’m a teacher in a 7 day week boarding school and my days are 12 hours without breaks, even for lunch (we eat with the kids).
I barely have time to write any poetry, let alone engage in lengthy exchanges about the minutiae of mine or others’ poems.
I always consider everyone’s comments and revise my work accordingly. I thought it was enough to respond indirectly in this manner, perhaps not. Happy to take my leave if moderators judge my contributions to be inadequate, I really don’t have time for more.
Cheers,
Luke
Hi Luke,
I said it would be ‘good’ to see a bit more engagement with individual comments , but understand if you can’t - we all have our own time constraints (I have two young kids and a full time teaching job).
I agree that your second version of the poem was a type of response to the comments. I only mentioned the briefness of your response to others comments because I think by engaging with indidvidaul comments it shows you value/appreciate the work others have put in.
Cheers,
Tristan
I said it would be ‘good’ to see a bit more engagement with individual comments , but understand if you can’t - we all have our own time constraints (I have two young kids and a full time teaching job).
I agree that your second version of the poem was a type of response to the comments. I only mentioned the briefness of your response to others comments because I think by engaging with indidvidaul comments it shows you value/appreciate the work others have put in.
That’s a bit meladramatic. What I said was not implying that at all.
Cheers,
Tristan
Thanks Mac, Jules, Perry, pinky David, not,
Incredibly helpful comments as ever.
Revision posted, accordingly.
Did this not show value for people’s comments? I know I missed your name but that was mere forgetfulness. It was your comment, which I clearly agreed with, that prompted me to change the title. Is that not ‘engaging with comments’?
I guess I assumed if I’d been picked up on something by a moderator then i must have breached protocol. If not, why pick me up?
Sorry, long day and not really in the mood for condescension or a ticking off.
L
Incredibly helpful comments as ever.
Revision posted, accordingly.
Did this not show value for people’s comments? I know I missed your name but that was mere forgetfulness. It was your comment, which I clearly agreed with, that prompted me to change the title. Is that not ‘engaging with comments’?
I guess I assumed if I’d been picked up on something by a moderator then i must have breached protocol. If not, why pick me up?
Sorry, long day and not really in the mood for condescension or a ticking off.
L
Others have been picked up on this in the past. You are not the first. I think we better leave it there.I guess I assumed if I’d been picked up on something by a moderator then i must have breached protocol. If not, why pick me up?
Tristan
Fair enough, Tristan. But if people feel pressurised to post beyond their means then they will shrink away into obscurity. I almost gave up on this place a few years ago because I didn’t feel able to wipe my face. Now, I do what I can.
Cheers,
Luke
Cheers,
Luke
- JJWilliamson
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I wrote a poem about boots a couple of years ago and revised the life out of it. Your poem reminded me
that I must return to address the problem. Sorry, I'm off track.
I see you've changed the title to "Still Life" which immediately prepares me for a painting or ekphrastic poem,
both of which I embrace with open arms. However, it also provides a subtle metaphor for death or loss, or at least it certainly has that potential.
I read an empathetic, almost melancholic sorrow for these boots, but I have a tendency to apply my own take on things.
that I must return to address the problem. Sorry, I'm off track.
I see you've changed the title to "Still Life" which immediately prepares me for a painting or ekphrastic poem,
both of which I embrace with open arms. However, it also provides a subtle metaphor for death or loss, or at least it certainly has that potential.
I read an empathetic, almost melancholic sorrow for these boots, but I have a tendency to apply my own take on things.
1lankest wrote: ↑Sat Feb 02, 2019 9:46 pmRevision
These you left, canvassed in paint, ...How are you using 'canvassed'? Would "daubed with paint" carry the same emotion?
cement; shaped to the slow
inevitable tread
of years ...These boots are old and still IE no longer active or serving their purpose, as if the owner had departed. I can't help but detect an anger, of sorts, lurking here.
skewed by the door ...I take it that they were knocked away from tidy alignment by the door and simply left where they fell. Is there anger at work, or a swift departure?
as they fell.
I leave them there:
leather, lace, the votive-you ...'Votive' seems to be pivotal, as if something sacred had been left, something meaningful to the speaker.
each morning and evening
I step over, over. ...At the start and end of the day the speaker takes care to step over these boots. He doesn't move them
or throw them away and neither does he physically care for them, and yet I don't feel the "you" is returning. A curiosity, at least it is for me.
A very engaging poem, full of emotion and intrigue.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
- CalebPerry
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I have made a comment about the exchange between Luke and Tristan, but in order not to hijack the thread, I made it on my Minimalism thread (in the Poetry Discussion forum), which I have now rechristened "Perry's Opinions (on minimalism and more)".
Regarding the poem, Luke, your response to the crits has been to scale the poem back, to make it more minimal. I know that my opinion in this area is not consistent with prevailing ideas, but sometimes a poem needs expanding, not reducing. I would like to see you add some details, like (as I suggested) whether (or why) the owner of the boots is gone forever -- that would clarify the poem (and explain why the boots have become a shrine). In my opinion, your poem was already too "slender". Now it is anorexic.
Regarding the poem, Luke, your response to the crits has been to scale the poem back, to make it more minimal. I know that my opinion in this area is not consistent with prevailing ideas, but sometimes a poem needs expanding, not reducing. I would like to see you add some details, like (as I suggested) whether (or why) the owner of the boots is gone forever -- that would clarify the poem (and explain why the boots have become a shrine). In my opinion, your poem was already too "slender". Now it is anorexic.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Thanks Jj, get back to them boots! Great to see the tensions are working for you — you’ve read it perfectly. Anger is indeed there. Canvassed is use to detect the artist/artisanal contrast Jules highlighted. I like daubed though, has a maudlin quality.
Perry, I do like the idea of an anorexic poem but I’m not sure I want this to be so. I fear if I feed it up it will lose the intrigue jj values. Tricky. Thanks for commenting.
L
Perry, I do like the idea of an anorexic poem but I’m not sure I want this to be so. I fear if I feed it up it will lose the intrigue jj values. Tricky. Thanks for commenting.
L
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I like the revision, Luke - I think it says all that is necessary.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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You know that I feel the poem needed more and not less, but I won't belabor the point. However, these lines have always struck me as strange:
skewed by the door
as they fell.
I have this image of hands reaching out from the door frame, grabbing the boots and arranging them. If what you mean is that the boots were thrown against the door frame and that caused them to fall in a certain way, you might find another way to say it. I also find myself thinking, "How long are these boots going to sit in a doorway before someone decides they are in the way?" Perhaps this might work:
thrown against the wall
and skewed where they fell.
I originally took the hyphen in "votive-you" to be a dash, but you mean it to be a hyphen, don't you? As in the "you" that worships?
skewed by the door
as they fell.
I have this image of hands reaching out from the door frame, grabbing the boots and arranging them. If what you mean is that the boots were thrown against the door frame and that caused them to fall in a certain way, you might find another way to say it. I also find myself thinking, "How long are these boots going to sit in a doorway before someone decides they are in the way?" Perhaps this might work:
thrown against the wall
and skewed where they fell.
I originally took the hyphen in "votive-you" to be a dash, but you mean it to be a hyphen, don't you? As in the "you" that worships?
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Hi Luke
The lines that stand out by far are
They’ve become the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over;
and if it was me i would start the poem from there, and let the piece take its course, as Frost said, like a melting ice cube. Good read,
Tony
The lines that stand out by far are
They’ve become the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over;
and if it was me i would start the poem from there, and let the piece take its course, as Frost said, like a melting ice cube. Good read,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Hi Luke,
I agree with David on 'canvassed', though no better option comes to mind and you have already cut much of the 'c' sonics (to express 'anger'). The new title, more pointed, does prompt more narrative and thread to the art world. A matter of taste and personal preference, but I preferred the 'no nonsense' title of the original (I guess I like the word Boots ). The loss of colour, adjectives, in the concluding lines...works for me...elsewhere? lace by itself does nothing, with unravelled there was more image. Miss 'crud', but then if you want the poem to be more thought driven and less visceral, that is the kind of poet you want to be and the revision is effective in that style.
cheers
mac
I agree with David on 'canvassed', though no better option comes to mind and you have already cut much of the 'c' sonics (to express 'anger'). The new title, more pointed, does prompt more narrative and thread to the art world. A matter of taste and personal preference, but I preferred the 'no nonsense' title of the original (I guess I like the word Boots ). The loss of colour, adjectives, in the concluding lines...works for me...elsewhere? lace by itself does nothing, with unravelled there was more image. Miss 'crud', but then if you want the poem to be more thought driven and less visceral, that is the kind of poet you want to be and the revision is effective in that style.
cheers
mac
Cheers1lankest wrote: ↑Sat Feb 02, 2019 9:46 pmRevision
These you left, canvassed in paint,
cement; shaped to the slow No to semicolons! Unless unavoidable. The comma was better.
inevitable tread
of years And I think you need to reinstate your comma here ...
skewed by the door ... and add another one (or two?) here? They are lying here, skewed, by the door, [just] as they fell - they weren't skewed by the door as they fell ... no?
as they fell.
I leave them there:
leather, lace, the votive-you Here I prefer the original arrangement.
each morning and evening
I step over, over. But, as you might imagine, I like it finishing here.
David
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Hi Luke,
you might want to revisit the opening
as it makes little sense with the new
title. 'You left them...' ?
Some punctuation after 'years' ?
Not sure about 'votive', what's the vow?
(Not keen on the '-you' either)
Thought the 'maze of unravelled lace'
offered something, sad to see it go.
Is there an implicit 'you' at the end?
Regards, Not.
.
Hi Luke,
you might want to revisit the opening
as it makes little sense with the new
title. 'You left them...' ?
Some punctuation after 'years' ?
Not sure about 'votive', what's the vow?
(Not keen on the '-you' either)
Thought the 'maze of unravelled lace'
offered something, sad to see it go.
Is there an implicit 'you' at the end?
Regards, Not.
.