Poetry Forum

Death Horse has no rider-
never breaks its canter,
never shifts its sockets,
lid-less and unrestrained.

Death Horse skin is white-
nostrils steam like feeding-tube air
in a plastic fecal-matter pocket-
undigested oxygen retains.

Death Horse changes height
and shape when inventors have ideas.
Swung, then thrust, now cocked -
irises roll back, blood is finger paint.

My God, pseud - Have you been reading the Book of Revelations or drinking absinthe - or both?

You've conjured up a strong image here of the randomness and inevitability of death. The second verse is particularly effective, very visual. But the 'fecal matter-pocket' is the most effective, suggesting the stench of corruption as well as leprous skin.

'Swung, then thrust, now cocked' History of killing in a nutshell.

A pale horse appears, its rider is called Death - Why not kill the rider?

good idea, very good poem.

cheers

----

Great work, Pseud, superb

Thanks. Surprised actually - I thought the rhyme controlled this one a little too much.

Barrie - actually I've had no Revelation or absynth lately. A Native American folktale about a white death horse spawned this, with bloody stripes across its back suggesting a fallen rider.

---

In the Book of Revelations, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are described - The first, on a white horse, is Conquest and he carries a bow. The second rider, who carries a sword, is named War and rides a fiery red horse. Famine sits astride a black horse, carrying a pair of scales. The last horseman is Death, whose mount is said to have the pallid colour of a dead person.

Does the Native American myth have a specific title? (I don't like not knowing things)

cheers

I don't know much either - assigned reading for a class - "Fool's Crow" by James Welch has a chapter in which a character has a dream that a warrior has died, and he sees a white horse with no irises described similarly to the horse in my poem. He called it the "Death Horse." That's all I know.

I'm not arguing with you though on the Revelation reference - a very valid interpretation...

Homer describes horses in the underworld too, if I'm not mistaken...

This is the legend of the Pale Horse, yes? A variation of the White Buffalo. Ooh, I love this stuff...

Here's my suggestions...

The death horse has no rider-
never breaks its trot, or stare (Why not breaks its gait or stride? Trot doesn't fit. never breaks his stride nor stare)
of looking-nowhere sockets, (looking out from nowhere...)
eyelid-less and unrestrained. (just lid-less works. Don't know if we're counting syllables, but hey.)

The death horse’s skin is white- (find a new name to switch between, the Pale Horse's skin shimmers-)
steaming like feeding tube air
in a plastic fecal-matter pocket-
undigested oxygen retained. (Because of these two lines I was convinced the poem was about a hospital gurney. If it isn't, I suggest retooling them.)

The death horse might change height
or shape on inventive years. (Eh. These two only further lend to the ambiguity.)
Swung, then thrust, now cocked -
irises roll, blood is finger paint. (can irises roll on their own?)


It's worth a retool, for clarity's sake I think. Good foundation though.

Cheers,

Keith

You're right Keith. Shall make some adjustments. As soon as I can.

Dunno about the White Buffalo...you're more than probably right though. The story came out of the Blackfeet tribes of Montana - which is relatively close to you, no? California is big but you always struck me as northern Californian.

Anyhoo taking your critiques into account I'm posting a revision. Thanks.

I'm smack in the fucking middle of the state. But I'm from Northern California. And I have Blackfoot blood in my veins. Montana is like 1200 miles away, so, you're right, not too far.

I must admit I was confused by the missing rider,
and when the horses eyes rolled I thought, initially, that perhaps the horse itself was being slaughtered.
But it is also the weapons themselves.......

I suppose I too had Revelations in mind, as I read.
Perhaps you could find a substitute for "rider" that would suggest
Indians e.g "brave"?

Strong images, especially the last two lines.

"on inventive years"
is this a distillation of wings and history?

Powerful stuff
Geoff