Later, I studied the map,
as if anything could account for those interminable pavements;
the infernal architect that had brought me here:
a few degrees off-latitude and already, at sea.
My ticket to Cadiz, snug in my pocket;
my predilection for getting lost -
that was how it began.
This intermediate city;
this 'diplomatic zone';
the incomprehensible sun.
Blame it all on Franco!
Actual miles of eye-blasting granite.
An acute lack of people.
Stumbling upon an 'opera house',
yes, I remember that.
Locked, abandoned, pressing my nose
against the double doors;
the scratched wooden floors inside
suggesting to my parched soul,
at least, a memory of inhabitation.
And a biro-ed poster to one side,
an Oh, by the way,
with today's date
and a name I already held dear.
Scarcely believable!
But I went back, that night,
and sat in the gods
heaving with glint-eyed Spaniards;
all of us rapt and joyous
and shyly, acknowledging our love,
for this world,
and each other.
Paco and Friends
Lost in my youth,
a diplomatic zone of fair Seville
Later, I studied the map
trying hard, through my thick head
to rationalise those over-harsh, deserted corners
wondering, if it was me
or Franco,
or both, out there
beneath the forces of destiny
and, predictably enough
the midday sun
Stumbling upon an opera house
Yes, I remember that :
locked, abandoned; pressing my nose
against the double doors;
the scratched wooden floors inside
suggesting to my parched soul
at least a memory of inhabitation
And a biro-ed poster to one side,
an 'Oh, by the way'
with today's date
and a name I already held dear
Scarcely believable!
But I went back, that night
and sat in the gods
heaving with glint-eyed spaniards
all of us rapt and joyous
and shyly
acknowledging our love
for this world
and each other
Paco de Lucia 21.30 (V2)
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi BJ,
enjoyed everything but the opening couplet.
It's a false start, I think, and detracts rather
than adds.
Later, I studied the map
- Much more intriguing to start here
(you could even add 'of Seville' after map, if
it matters).
trying hard, through my thick head
- is 'through' right?
to rationalise those over-harsh, deserted corners
- don't think the 'over-' adds anything,
wondering, if it was me
or Franco,
or both, out there
- should there be an 'of us' after 'or both'?
beneath the forces of destiny
and, predictably enough
- comma after enough.
the midday sun
- shouldn't this end with a '?' ?
Stumbling upon an opera house
- 'across' for 'upon' ?
Yes, I remember that :
- this suggests that it might have been
'the opera house' not 'an opera house'.
and maybe
- Yes, I remember that - ?
locked, abandoned; pressing my nose
- think you could cut 'locked, abandoned'
as 'pressing ...' and 'memory of ...' do the
same job, but better.
against the double doors;
the scratched wooden floors inside
suggesting to my parched soul
- the 'to my parched soul' seems a bit much,
and how would a 'memory' satisfy 'parched'?
Maybe just cut the phrase?
at least a memory of inhabitation
And a biro-ed poster to one side,
- 'The biro-ed poster' ? (Following 'the
wooden ...' )
an 'Oh, by the way'
with today's date
and a name I already held dear
- think 'and a name' could be on the same
line as 'date'
Scarcely believable!
But I went back, that night
and sat in the gods
heaving with glint-eyed spaniards
all of us rapt and joyous
and shyly
acknowledging our love
for this world
and each other
- I stumble a bit with 'glint-eyed'
(and 'Spaniards' seems unnecessary
after 'Seville') but it's a satisfying ending.
Regards, Not
.
Hi BJ,
enjoyed everything but the opening couplet.
It's a false start, I think, and detracts rather
than adds.
Later, I studied the map
- Much more intriguing to start here
(you could even add 'of Seville' after map, if
it matters).
trying hard, through my thick head
- is 'through' right?
to rationalise those over-harsh, deserted corners
- don't think the 'over-' adds anything,
wondering, if it was me
or Franco,
or both, out there
- should there be an 'of us' after 'or both'?
beneath the forces of destiny
and, predictably enough
- comma after enough.
the midday sun
- shouldn't this end with a '?' ?
Stumbling upon an opera house
- 'across' for 'upon' ?
Yes, I remember that :
- this suggests that it might have been
'the opera house' not 'an opera house'.
and maybe
- Yes, I remember that - ?
locked, abandoned; pressing my nose
- think you could cut 'locked, abandoned'
as 'pressing ...' and 'memory of ...' do the
same job, but better.
against the double doors;
the scratched wooden floors inside
suggesting to my parched soul
- the 'to my parched soul' seems a bit much,
and how would a 'memory' satisfy 'parched'?
Maybe just cut the phrase?
at least a memory of inhabitation
And a biro-ed poster to one side,
- 'The biro-ed poster' ? (Following 'the
wooden ...' )
an 'Oh, by the way'
with today's date
and a name I already held dear
- think 'and a name' could be on the same
line as 'date'
Scarcely believable!
But I went back, that night
and sat in the gods
heaving with glint-eyed spaniards
all of us rapt and joyous
and shyly
acknowledging our love
for this world
and each other
- I stumble a bit with 'glint-eyed'
(and 'Spaniards' seems unnecessary
after 'Seville') but it's a satisfying ending.
Regards, Not
.
-
CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3096
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
You've been very good about critiquing my poems, so I want to return the favor, but there are still too many parts of this poem I haven't figured out.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Thanks James, Not, lotus and Perry. . . a V2 posted.
James - 'earned' is good! Always tricky to carry off strong
emotion, and not sure of exactly what is working here in the
preamble, just going on instinct.
Yes, I think the Franco thing in V1 was a bit gratuitous . . . I was aiming
for the sunstruck paranoia of a naive young tourist parachuting from
one culture to another (the actual date of the remembrance was 1980).
I have kept it in the revision in a different form, but beginning to have my doubts.
Not - Brilliant suggestion to drop the first couplet - that was what it grew from,
so I was unreasonably attached to it.
S2 - pretty much rewritten, all your points on target.
S3 - I would defend 'stumbled upon' as an idiom associated with
fairytales (this is supposed to be mildly hallucinatory).
'the opera house' might imply the N was looking for it ; I have also
now put it in inverted commas (like 'diplomatic zone' these idents are
only discovered later on the map).
'locked, abandoned' - I take your point. I've changed the punctuation to
emphasise the duality I was going for here, plus sometimes I think
repetition can give meaningful colour and tone to the voice.
'my parched soul' - it is meant to be a bit hyperbolic, a bit tongue in cheek
given the distance of memory, though perhaps I am labouring the parallel
aridity/alienation of N and locale.
I like the pacing/ line breaks of this stanza, though I have now added more
specific/conventional punctuation which might sway you.
S4 -'glint-eyed' … it's an odd and along with 'heaving' quite disturbing phrase
but I was aiming for this almost racist sense of 'other' when you are feeling
isolated and out of depth in a strange culture - but being turned on its head
by the redeeming experience (and I'm sure some of the audience weren't Spanish).
Glad you liked it!
lotus - a great suggestion (and how magnificent Franco's full name turns
out to be). I quite like the idea of leaving the identity a little ambiguous i.e.
a vague bogeyman or a mysterious intense relationship.
Perry - thanks for dropping by. I think the V2 version should be a bit clearer.
I would be interested if thete are still bits you find confusing or pointless.
Jules
James - 'earned' is good! Always tricky to carry off strong
emotion, and not sure of exactly what is working here in the
preamble, just going on instinct.
Yes, I think the Franco thing in V1 was a bit gratuitous . . . I was aiming
for the sunstruck paranoia of a naive young tourist parachuting from
one culture to another (the actual date of the remembrance was 1980).
I have kept it in the revision in a different form, but beginning to have my doubts.
Not - Brilliant suggestion to drop the first couplet - that was what it grew from,
so I was unreasonably attached to it.
S2 - pretty much rewritten, all your points on target.
S3 - I would defend 'stumbled upon' as an idiom associated with
fairytales (this is supposed to be mildly hallucinatory).
'the opera house' might imply the N was looking for it ; I have also
now put it in inverted commas (like 'diplomatic zone' these idents are
only discovered later on the map).
'locked, abandoned' - I take your point. I've changed the punctuation to
emphasise the duality I was going for here, plus sometimes I think
repetition can give meaningful colour and tone to the voice.
'my parched soul' - it is meant to be a bit hyperbolic, a bit tongue in cheek
given the distance of memory, though perhaps I am labouring the parallel
aridity/alienation of N and locale.
I like the pacing/ line breaks of this stanza, though I have now added more
specific/conventional punctuation which might sway you.
S4 -'glint-eyed' … it's an odd and along with 'heaving' quite disturbing phrase
but I was aiming for this almost racist sense of 'other' when you are feeling
isolated and out of depth in a strange culture - but being turned on its head
by the redeeming experience (and I'm sure some of the audience weren't Spanish).
Glad you liked it!
lotus - a great suggestion (and how magnificent Franco's full name turns
out to be). I quite like the idea of leaving the identity a little ambiguous i.e.
a vague bogeyman or a mysterious intense relationship.
Perry - thanks for dropping by. I think the V2 version should be a bit clearer.
I would be interested if thete are still bits you find confusing or pointless.
Jules
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Jules,
V2, improved, clearer, but still a little way to go, I think.
S3 - I would defend 'stumbled upon' as an idiom associated with
fairytales (this is supposed to be mildly hallucinatory).
Maybe 'came across' ? That said, I've done a cut and paste job (below) and
starting S2 with L2 it makes the lost/stumbled upon link clearer, so maybe
that's the answer.
'locked, abandoned' - I take your point. I've changed the punctuation to
emphasise the duality I was going for here, plus sometimes I think
repetition can give meaningful colour and tone to the voice.
- I'm not convinced by the repetition here, but that's my problem, I do
think 'abandoned' misleads as both the 'poster' and the full house make clear.
It's not abandoned, simply closed as there is no matinee
'my parched soul' - it is meant to be a bit hyperbolic, a bit tongue in cheek
given the distance of memory, though perhaps I am labouring the parallel
aridity/alienation of N and locale.
- To me it simply seemed laboured, I'm afraid, and 'tongue in cheek' clashes
a bit with the 'hallucinatory' aspect here.
S4 -'glint-eyed' … it's an odd and along with 'heaving' quite disturbing phrase
but I was aiming for this almost racist sense of 'other' when you are feeling
isolated and out of depth in a strange culture - but being turned on its head
by the redeeming experience (and I'm sure some of the audience weren't Spanish).
- I didn't get the 'racist sense', rather that they were on the verge of tears, the music/concert
being so emotional.
Glad you liked it!
- Liked the original, like the revision (though I do miss the 'midday sun', the
replacement works equally well, just differently)
I wonder, given the title and the final stanza, whether some more sonic references
earlier in the piece (or perhaps the absence of sound) might help?
I didn't have a problem with Franco, as it were
Paco de Lucia 21.30
- aren't you missing 'today's date' form this?
Later, I studied the map.
As if anything could account for those interminable pavements;
- is there something missing (or a problem with punctuation)? How
do 'pavements' connect to 'architect'?
the infernal architect that had brought me here
- is 'architect' the right term? Should it be draughtsman or cartographer
planner or even, given Cadiz, navigator?
a few degrees off-latitude and already at sea.
My predilection for getting lost
that was how it began -
Cadiz, this intermediate city,
this 'diplomatic zone';
this ... nothing could really explain this
incomprehensible sun - Franco,
yes blame it all on Franco -
on the miles of eye-blasting granite;
on the acute lack of people.
- feels like you're a line short here, the thought incomplete.
And 'acute lack' seems a little off key
(On the empty echoing streets ?)
Stumbling upon an 'opera house',
(yes, I remember that)
I pressed my nose against the cracked paint
double doors; the scratched wooden floors
inside suggesting, to my parched soul
at least, a memory of inhabitation.
And a biro-ed poster to one side,
an Oh, by the way, with today's date
and a name I already held dear.
Scarcely believable! But I went back,
- maybe 'But I found myself,' ? (Ties up the lost/stumbled upon thread.)
that night, sat in the gods heaving with joyous Spaniards;
and who knows who else? All of us rapt
and shyly, acknowledging our love,
for this world, and each other.
Regards, Not.
.
Hi Jules,
V2, improved, clearer, but still a little way to go, I think.
S3 - I would defend 'stumbled upon' as an idiom associated with
fairytales (this is supposed to be mildly hallucinatory).
Maybe 'came across' ? That said, I've done a cut and paste job (below) and
starting S2 with L2 it makes the lost/stumbled upon link clearer, so maybe
that's the answer.
'locked, abandoned' - I take your point. I've changed the punctuation to
emphasise the duality I was going for here, plus sometimes I think
repetition can give meaningful colour and tone to the voice.
- I'm not convinced by the repetition here, but that's my problem, I do
think 'abandoned' misleads as both the 'poster' and the full house make clear.
It's not abandoned, simply closed as there is no matinee
'my parched soul' - it is meant to be a bit hyperbolic, a bit tongue in cheek
given the distance of memory, though perhaps I am labouring the parallel
aridity/alienation of N and locale.
- To me it simply seemed laboured, I'm afraid, and 'tongue in cheek' clashes
a bit with the 'hallucinatory' aspect here.
S4 -'glint-eyed' … it's an odd and along with 'heaving' quite disturbing phrase
but I was aiming for this almost racist sense of 'other' when you are feeling
isolated and out of depth in a strange culture - but being turned on its head
by the redeeming experience (and I'm sure some of the audience weren't Spanish).
- I didn't get the 'racist sense', rather that they were on the verge of tears, the music/concert
being so emotional.
Glad you liked it!
- Liked the original, like the revision (though I do miss the 'midday sun', the
replacement works equally well, just differently)
I wonder, given the title and the final stanza, whether some more sonic references
earlier in the piece (or perhaps the absence of sound) might help?
I didn't have a problem with Franco, as it were
Paco de Lucia 21.30
- aren't you missing 'today's date' form this?
Later, I studied the map.
As if anything could account for those interminable pavements;
- is there something missing (or a problem with punctuation)? How
do 'pavements' connect to 'architect'?
the infernal architect that had brought me here
- is 'architect' the right term? Should it be draughtsman or cartographer
planner or even, given Cadiz, navigator?
a few degrees off-latitude and already at sea.
My predilection for getting lost
that was how it began -
Cadiz, this intermediate city,
this 'diplomatic zone';
this ... nothing could really explain this
incomprehensible sun - Franco,
yes blame it all on Franco -
on the miles of eye-blasting granite;
on the acute lack of people.
- feels like you're a line short here, the thought incomplete.
And 'acute lack' seems a little off key
(On the empty echoing streets ?)
Stumbling upon an 'opera house',
(yes, I remember that)
I pressed my nose against the cracked paint
double doors; the scratched wooden floors
inside suggesting, to my parched soul
at least, a memory of inhabitation.
And a biro-ed poster to one side,
an Oh, by the way, with today's date
and a name I already held dear.
Scarcely believable! But I went back,
- maybe 'But I found myself,' ? (Ties up the lost/stumbled upon thread.)
that night, sat in the gods heaving with joyous Spaniards;
and who knows who else? All of us rapt
and shyly, acknowledging our love,
for this world, and each other.
Regards, Not.
.
I think glint-eyed Spaniards was a nice image, anyway keep on writing, the poem was really good by the way.
-
riverrun
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2019 6:33 am
- Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
The poem has a strong chronicle quality and invite us from the begining to travel to somewhere and embrace art and politcs in a broader way. Politics and Art like our western founders did in Ancient Greece. Paco de Lucia probably top 5 contemporary guitar players had an important gypsy influence in all his work. As any gypsy he was a borderline artist, and broke many borders, aesthetic included. And he was so brilliant in his art that he managed to achieve unanimity between Spaniards and Catalans - unanimity rarely achieved. My father is spanish so since I was kid I always listened Paco de Lucia. It's famous his interview on TVE (spanish channel) about the the spanish dictatorial period "El ridículo se puede evitar; la muerte, no; es inevitable... Lo peor de todo sería una muerte ridícula. Por ejemplo, morir en una guerra" (Foolishnes can be avoided, death no; It is inevitable ... The worst of all would be a ridiculous death, for instance, like dying in a war). Then a militant of Fuerza Nueva (the fascist organization created to praise the dictator Franco) insulted him and hit him at the street near the TVE Building.
Another moment was the Jesús Quintero famous interview. One moment Quintero asks what is more important when it comes to playing the guitar, the right or the left side. Paco de Lucia replies: "The left is what makes music, it's creative. The left is smart. Then, the right is the one that executes, "says Paco, grabbing the instrument and releasing a heartbreaking series of chords and arpeggios. After that Paco de Lucía got involved in a brutal beating by far-right militants as a consequence of those comments. They said: "You, do you say that the Right executes? Well take, you &#$!!! You're not going to play anymore, "they said taht before hitting him and stepping on his fingers and hands.
In strange times like ours when you can't openly say right or left, it's almost impossible to just sit and enjoy time with others. And how important is to remember.
Best
Another moment was the Jesús Quintero famous interview. One moment Quintero asks what is more important when it comes to playing the guitar, the right or the left side. Paco de Lucia replies: "The left is what makes music, it's creative. The left is smart. Then, the right is the one that executes, "says Paco, grabbing the instrument and releasing a heartbreaking series of chords and arpeggios. After that Paco de Lucía got involved in a brutal beating by far-right militants as a consequence of those comments. They said: "You, do you say that the Right executes? Well take, you &#$!!! You're not going to play anymore, "they said taht before hitting him and stepping on his fingers and hands.
In strange times like ours when you can't openly say right or left, it's almost impossible to just sit and enjoy time with others. And how important is to remember.
Best