The Wire and the Tree

[CalebPerry]

Final:

It wasn’t a grand tree,(1) but it was lovely,
symmetrical, with a glorious crown
of perfectly shaped branches and leaves,
standing outside my door like a well-dressed
honor guard or attentive maître d’.
An artist could not have rendered it more
beautifully.(2) But it had a wire running
through its bonnet, and the city said
the wire needed space, that the wire might fray,
causing a spark, initiating God-knows-
what Armageddon or out-of-control
conflagration that I would surely regret.(3)
So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and workmen who took
no notice of the beauty to be maimed,(4)
and they carved a cavern around the wire,
decimating the tree’s regal headdress,
leaving it deformed, lopsided and forlorn,
an Elephant Man with lobotomized brain.
Beauty has no refuge in this world.

1. I couldn't find a way to mention the tree's species that didn't sound awkward.
2. I decided to keep "beautifully" for the sound, and because the meaning is clear.
3. I reduced the hyperbolic language a little.
4. I found language which didn't insult the workmen.


Original:

It wasn’t a huge tree, but it was lovely,
symmetrical, with a glorious crown
of perfectly shaped branches and leaves,
standing outside my door like a well-dressed
honor guard or attentive maître d’.
An artist could not have rendered it more
beautifully. But it had a wire running
through its bonnet, and the city said
the wire needed space, that the wire might fray,
causing a spark, initiating God-knows-
what Armageddon or out-of-control
conflagration leading to Hell on Earth.
So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and sweaty workmen
who wouldn’t see beauty in the eyes of Christ,
and they carved a cavern around the wire,
decimating the tree’s majestic mane,
leaving it deformed, lopsided and forlorn,
an Elephant Man with lobotomized brain.
Beauty has no refuge in this world.

-end-

I refer to the canopy of the tree as a “crown”, a “bonnet”, a “mane” and a “brain”. Does that work? I like the idea of mixing up the images.

[CalebPerry]

I posted this poem almost three days ago. If people don't like it, it would be helpful to know why. I think it's a good poem, but there must be something wrong with it if no one is saying anything.

[Poet]

I don't see anything wrong with it, maybe someone else will notice something wrong with the piece, but I tell you that there is nothing wrong with it.

[Macavity]

I've been off grid a few days Perry, walking, but this is a genre/theme I do read. Overall, I enjoyed the read, though I'd prefer that a specifc species of tree was named, not only to ground the poem in reality rather than imagination, but there are also so many lovely names for tree species!

I think the poem uses some inventive/challenging imagery, which I like because it refreshes perspective...and 'beauty' could easily default to generalisations. This risk is the strength of the poem for me. So though I may not key into some of the 'inventive/challenging' aspects of the poem, they make the write interesting.

I've made some specific responses.

Some of which may be helpful...or not

cheers

mac

It wasn’t a huge tree, but it was lovely,...why should 'huge' be an attribution of 'lovely'?
symmetrical, with a glorious crown................yes, I can see that symmetry is an attribution of 'lovely'
of perfectly shaped branches and leaves,..how can the reader visualise this?
standing outside my door like a well-dressed
honor guard or attentive maître d’....lovely, inventive image
An artist could not have rendered it more...another generalisation (art/nature)...a specific artist?...Constable?
beautifully. But it had a wire running...............yes, something horribly intrusive! Man-made. Like it.
through its bonnet, and the city said....................like the novelty of 'bonnet' and contrast to the wiring
the wire needed space, that the wire might fray,...italics for speech? personifying 'the city'...a suggestion
causing a spark, initiating God-knows...I feel understatement, a 'spark', the ridiculous reason, has more resonance
what Armageddon or out-of-control
conflagration leading to Hell on Earth...I don't think the hyperbole is effective, too 'shouty'
So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,.....................I'm visualising machinery? colour of cherries?
with chain-saws and sheers, and sweaty workmen
who wouldn’t see beauty in the eyes of Christ,......this comment feels 'class-bound' to the 'uneducated'
and they carved a cavern around the wire,
decimating the tree’s majestic mane,
leaving it deformed, lopsided and forlorn,...effectively resonates because of the earlier 'symmetry'
an Elephant Man with lobotomized brain...challenging image...but does it take the reader out of the poem, away from trees? Not sure.
Beauty has no refuge in this world...a Perry ending...but justified by the poem!

-end-

I refer to the canopy of the tree as a “crown”, a “bonnet”, a “mane” and a “brain”. Does that work? I like the idea of mixing up the images.

I like the startling 'lobotomized', but by the obvious connection, the use of 'brain' is redundant.

[CalebPerry]

Thank you for chiming in, Poet. However, so far I haven't seen you offer an actual critique of any poem, just simple praise. Simple praise is only so useful.

Macavity, thank you for the comprehensive critique -- more comprehensive than I really wanted, but it gives me a lot to think about.

I used "huge" as a shortcut for "impressively large" or "imposing", but I just had one syllable to work with. For me, at least, trees don't really move into "lovely" territory until they have some size, but of course, not everyone will feel that way.

I didn't know what species the tree was. I didn't think to ask my landlord. I could make something up, however.

Your question "How can the reader visualize this?" gets us back into showing vs. telling territory. For me, the point of the story is in the actions taken, and I don't want to get bogged down in descriptions. However, I do feel that my initial description of the tree lacks creativity. I'll work on it.

I like the hyperbole, but I agree that I may have overdone it.

A cherry-picker is a vehicle with an articulated arm that raises workmen to a high level. If you search for that term and select "images", you will see lots of pictures. The cherry-pickers that they use to trim trees also have a limb-grinder attachment, making the whole vehicle monstrous indeed.

My comment about the workmen was elitist, but I decided I liked it. My experience with workmen is that they can be very crude, although I have known some that were fine people. Workmen who cut down trees, or generally destroy things like old houses, are not my favorite people. The poem isn't necessarily saying that all workmen can't appreciate beauty, just the ones who showed up in this particular instance.

Lobotomies can be done on any part of the body that has a lobe, such as the lungs, so "lobotomized brain" isn't redundant -- but thank you for pointing that out.

Macavity, the poem will be improved as a result of your comments. Sorry if I was getting paranoid that the group might be snubbing me. The number of critiques on my poems has dropped lately.

[HonourStedman]

Nice one, dear Perry, describing a problem of council tree destruction that seems to be happening all over the country. There is just one word that could perhaps be changed - where you use the phrase, "An artist could not have rendered it more beautifully," I feel that the last word should be "beautiful."

[David]

Macavity, you gave me a lot to think about, and the poem will be improved as a result. Sorry if I was getting paranoid that the group might be snubbing me. The number of critiques on my poems has dropped lately.

It's summer, Perry. (And what a summer! Alarmingly so.) I think I've mentioned this before. You needn't take it personally.

Cheers

David

[CalebPerry]

It's summer, Perry. (And what a summer! Alarmingly so.) I think I've mentioned this before. You needn't take it personally.

I'll always feel alarmed when I post a poem that I think is really good and no one says anything for three days. Can't help myself.

[CalebPerry]

Nice one, dear Perry, describing a problem of council tree destruction that seems to be happening all over the country. There is just one word that could perhaps be changed - where you use the phrase, "An artist could not have rendered it more beautifully," I feel that the last word should be "beautiful."

I used "beautifully" for the E sound at the end, but I agree with you now -- the rhyme sounds in the first part of the poem are too heavy. I will fix it. Thank you for your comment.

I'm in the U.S. The frustrating thing about this business of trees being mutilated because of wires has a solution: Put a sleeve around the wire. So simple.

By the way, it wasn't actually the city that mutilated the tree. The electric company had standing permission to prune trees to put space around their wires. In the poem, I named the city as the culprit to make the poem less complicated.

[twoleftfeet]

Hello,Perry

A brief,but honest opinion:

I agree pretty much with Mac's views,especially wrt "elitism:I expect that at least one of the men working on the tree was a qualified tree surgeon.

I'd suggest dropping "sweaty", and the line following it.

I would also ask the question: would you have sympathy for the tree if it did not conform to your notions of beauty and symmetry? (I realise you would,of course,but these things seem to me to be overly-important to the narrator.)

Also,in comparing the human form to a tree, the notion of the tree's "brain" being in its canopy is tantamount to my brain being in my arms. (Some people have,of course implied that my brain is a lot lower.. )

Geoff

[CalebPerry]

Geoff, I am thankful for your specific input, and I definitely have thoughts about what you said.

I agree pretty much with Mac's views,especially wrt "elitism:I expect that at least one of the men working on the tree was a qualified tree surgeon.

[Maybe, maybe not. A tree surgeon would be more expensive to employ than a guy who simply knows how to wield a chain-saw. Furthermore, does it matter if it is a tree surgeon or someone less qualified who is decimating the tree? As for the elitism, I have already answered that by pointing out that the poem doesn't say that all workmen are unable to appreciate beauty, just the ones who arrived on that particular day.]

I'd suggest dropping "sweaty", and the line following it.

[I'll consider alternatives, but I find that part of the poem very witty and appropriate, and I won't remove it entirely.]

I would also ask the question: would you have sympathy for the tree if it did not conform to your notions of beauty and symmetry? (I realise you would,of course,but these things seem to me to be overly-important to the narrator.)

[As Frost said, we love the things we love for what they are. I have loved gnarly trees in my life, while at other times I have loved trees for their perfect beauty. Sadly, trees fall into that gray area between objects and living beings, and sometimes I see them as objects.]

Also,in comparing the human form to a tree, the notion of the tree's "brain" being in its canopy is tantamount to my brain being in my arms. (Some people have,of course implied that my brain is a lot lower.. )

[I don't think it matters that I'm comparing the crown to a brain. Human beings often see the human form in trees. Humans love to personify everything, and so I am speaking to a common habit of people in this poem. When I compare the tree to a human with a brain, I am speaking about its form only, not its substance. This is a metaphor, and metaphors don't have to be literal. This is what poetic license is all about.]

Geoff, the original poem ended like this:

... decimating the tree’s majestic mane,
leaving it deformed, lopsided and forlorn,
an Elephant Man with lobotomized brain.
Beauty has no refuge in this world.

But the city did worse than that: It showed me
who I am, for I no longer love my tree.

I dropped the couplet because I have been criticized on this forum for making all my poems about myself, and I also didn't want to complicate the ending by drawing two conclusions.

[twoleftfeet]

But the city did worse than that: It showed me
who I am, for I no longer love my tree.

- If I'm reading that right,then this would be a conclusion that gels better with the general vibe I was getting.
It's not one that I can empathise with,though (not that it should matter..)

Geoff.

[CalebPerry]

But the city did worse than that: It showed me
who I am, for I no longer love my tree.

- If I'm reading that right,then this would be a conclusion that gels better with the general vibe I was getting.
It's not one that I can empathise with,though (not that it should matter..)

I gave you two reasons why I dropped the couplet, but a third reason is that I don't feel that way either. I was just looking for a clever ending, which is why I came up with it.

After the tree was mutilated by the electric company (it wasn't actually the city that did it), my recollection is that I rarely looked at it, not because I didn't love it any more, but because looking at it made me angry, and I didn't like feeling angry every time I walked up to my door.

I want to talk a little more about the workmen. In my almost 70 years, I have noticed that there is a lower-class of working people in our society who seem to be cruder than the average person. These are the people in the U.S. who love Trump, and the people in the Soviet Union who love Putin. From that class of people come society's destroyers, the workmen who tear things down. They cut down healthy trees, they tear down old houses, they tear up historic buildings, they tear up the ground and remove the tops of mountains in search of minerals, etc. That is also the class from which soldiers come, and if you have noticed, soldiers just follow orders and rarely wonder if they are doing the right thing. Police also come from that class, and the behavior of the police is not always stellar. I resent that class of people who act as destroyers in this world (for nothing more than a good salary or a career), and I am more than happy to give them a slap in one of my poems.

[twoleftfeet]

As sweeping generalisations go,that was quite some achievement,Perry.

I'll leave it there as I've no interest in bringing politics into this discussion.
I've made my comments and suggestions and I've read your justifications - it's your poem so do as you see fit.

[jcnash]

Hello Perry,

On reading the poem I stumbled at that line about the workmen, thinking "Blimey, that doesn't come across well at all!", and I was going to suggest removing or softening that line to make it sound a little less pompous. Then I read the comments and I see that pomposity appears to be your intention!

I also noticed that you didn't know the species of the tree. I bet those lowly workmen did. I bet they knew a lot about that species of tree. I bet they knew it more intimately than just a vague shape that was slightly pleasing to the eye of a random amateur poet.

It reminds me of when I worked in forest management (yes, I am one of that "class of people who act as destroyers of the world") and we'd occasionally get berated by well-meaning but ignorant members of the public for cutting down trees, not knowing that they were being removed for the greater good of the forest.

All the best,
barrett

[Leaf]

Hi Perry,

I enjoyed reading this, appreciating both the subject and your clarity of expression

I note, as mac has, that you don't mention what type of tree this is. As you mention 'glorious crown', what comes to my mind is a horse chestnut. I particularly like the shape of a grand old horse chestnut crown. I thought I'd tell you this in case you'd rather I thought of something else, which might lead to your adding the name of your tree to your poem. But not everyone is as keen on trees as I am, I recognise

I think the similes in lines 4 and 5 are very effective. You're building a strong relationship between the N and the tree here.

By 'bonnet', do you mean the tree's upper branches? I think I've landed in the right place there, but I thought I should check to be sure.

You could put a second hyphen in 'God-knows-what' (if you wish).

I do feel the N's anger with the arrival of the bureaucrats and the workmen, and I feel sadness too. I think your description of the workmen as 'robotic' enhances the anguish and the frustration. There is a touch of elitism in the poem, but it strikes me as an irrational moment in the midst of shock.

Please note, I've read the comments on this poem, but I've decided just to focus on the poem here.

Best wishes,
Leaf

[CalebPerry]

Well, it seems that I've made a couple people angry, and I do understand why. Leaf, you seem to understand better than the others that what I am expressing in the poem is a moment of anger and frustration, and that the narrator of the poem doesn't mean to brand all workmen as avaricious fools -- or, if he is, is doing so out of his frustration. It is similar to what I did in my poem "Lost Grace" (which can be found below), in which I refer to all of mankind as "depraved".

However, my diatribe a few frames up is, admittedly, my own opinion of things -- at least, it was yesterday's opinion, since my opinion is always changing. As awful as that diatribe may sound, I'm aware that it is logically unsupportable. I'm aware that it is useless and wrong to brand an entire group of people as if they were all the same. Ultimately, we are all individuals, and there are many good people among all classes. Basically, in societies like ours, the lower- and middle-classes aspire to be upper-class, so they adopt the values of the upper-class, and so the values of all classes are equally good and/or bad (depending on your point of view). To single out only lower-class people is wrong. But it is the middle-lower class from which society's enforcers tend to come.

In each one of us there is good and bad, and I try to own the bad in me, and to give it expression in my poems where appropriate. The worst part of Perry is that I am extremely judgemental and somewhat elitist. But it isn't really elitism, as I seem to dislike all of humanity. I am more egalitarian than I appear, disliking every one.

barrett and twoleftfeet, thank you for your feedback. For whatever it is worth, I have tried to find ways to remove the comment in the poem that you don't like, but that moment of anger/sourness/hotheadedness contributes something valuable to the poem which I don't want to lose. I could soften that line simply by wondering whether the workmen even notice or care about the beauty they are destroying. In that way, at least I wouldn't be branding all workmen in a negative way. Something like this:

So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and robotic workmen
who didn't seem to care what they destroyed,
and they carved a cavern around the wire,

-or-

So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and workmen who took
no notice of the beauty they destroyed,
and they carved a cavern around the wire,

What do you think of those lines? They are less judgemental, no? Whatever line I use, I CAN'T make the workmen out to be fine people simply because this is a poem in which I am expressing my anger at them.

I wonder why it matters so much to everyone that I mention the type of tree. I think it was a common type of tree used on residential streets in NYC.

I just used Google Earth to look at the house. The historical pictures were not clear enough to determine the type of tree it was. Google Street reveals that the tree that was there has been cut down, and there is a sapling tree in its place, so the tree I wrote about is gone. But the damned wire remains.

Thank you everyone for your feedback.

Leaf, "bonnet" just refers to the top of the tree. I wanted to put two hyphens in "God-knows-what" but didn't because it was spread over two lines, but perhaps I will.

[twoleftfeet]

barrett and twoleftfeet, thank you for your feedback. For whatever it is worth, I have tried to find ways to remove the comment in the poem that you don't like, but that moment of anger/sourness/hotheadedness contributes something valuable to the poem which I don't want to lose. I could soften that line simply by wondering whether the workmen even notice or care about the beauty they are destroying. In that way, at least I wouldn't be branding all workmen in a negative way. Something like this:

So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and robotic workmen
who didn't seem to care what they destroyed,
and they carved a cavern around the wire,

-or-

So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and workmen who took
no notice of the beauty they destroyed,
and they carved a cavern around the wire,

What do you think of those lines? They are less judgemental, no? Whatever line I use, I CAN'T make the workmen out to be fine people simply because this is a poem in which I am expressing my anger at them.

Yes,they are less judgemental in my view,Perry.
How about -
".... and workmen who seemed
oblivious to the beauty they destroyed"?

I

I just used Google Earth to look at the house. The historical pictures were not clear enough to determine the type of tree it was. Google Street reveals that the tree that was there has been cut down, and there is a sapling tree in its place, so the tree I wrote about is gone. But the damned wire remains.

Now that could make a splendid ending..

Geoff
btw - I note that you cracked a joke - you should do it more often!

[CalebPerry]

twoleftfeet, it seems that you have forgiven me a little; now I need to see if barrett will forgive me for being a judgemental jerk. I never claimed to be perfect.

Your suggested language is good, but the rhythm is a little awkward. Previously I had selected this:

So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and workmen who took
no notice of the beauty they destroyed,
and they carved a cavern around the wire,

but then realized that that gives me two "they's" in a row, so now I am leaning towards this:

So along they came one day, the bureaucrats,
with a cherry-picking monstrosity,
with chain-saws and sheers, and workmen who took
no notice of the beauty to be maimed,
and they carved a cavern around the wire,

I like that. However, I'm still angry about the incident, and it is still my natural tendency of mine to hate them all, and to slur them. If I keep that language, I'll be changing "magnificent mane" to "regal headdress" (go to the top to see the latest version).

If I cracked a joke, it was entirely accidental!

[David]

Well played, Perry. I did worry that this thread might get slightly out of control, depending on your response to Geoff and Barrett (two sterling chaps, by the way), but it hasn't. Well done all.

Cheers

David

[Leaf]

Leaf, you seem to understand better than the others that what I am expressing in the poem is a moment of anger and frustration, and that the narrator of the poem doesn't mean to brand all workmen as avaricious fools -- or, if he is, is doing so out of his frustration. It is similar to what I did in my poem "Lost Grace" (which can be found below), in which I refer to all of mankind as "depraved".

[…]

Leaf, "bonnet" just refers to the top of the tree. I wanted to put two hyphens in "God-knows-what" but didn't because it was spread over two lines, but perhaps I will.

Hi Perry,

Cool; I was wondering whether I might be basing my reading a bit too much on a tree-related incident that occurred with my parents and a neighbour a few years ago, also involving in-the-moment irrational anger and frustration (the neighbour's, that is!), so I'm pleased everything matches up for you.

I agree with Geoff that those lines you've changed are less judgemental now; and you've managed to retain the anger, which I think is an important part of the poem. Thanks for clarifying 'bonnet', and I like the way the two hyphens in 'God-knows-what' find an echo in 'out-of-control'

Best wishes,
Leaf

[CalebPerry]

Well played, Perry. I did worry that this thread might get slightly out of control, depending on your response to Geoff and Barrett (two sterling chaps, by the way), but it hasn't. Well done all.

I'm guessing that you are referring to my diatribe against the working class, but I was just expressing my feelings. It was never personal against anyone here.

[CalebPerry]

Leaf, I think the poem is definitely improved, and I can thank everyone who commented for that, especially you and Barrett. My flaw as a human being is that I definitely have contempt for various types of people, and Donald Trump (who appeals to those people) has exacerbated those feelings. However, contempt doesn't play well in a poem.

I like the new "maimed" line more than the original slap at workers -- although I must say, "the eyes of Christ" is a perfect example of beauty, and I will probably save that line for another poem (although, ironically, I am not a Christian). The word "maimed" rhymes with "brain" at the end (an off-rhyme), so I was able to drop "magnificent mane" in favor of "regal headdress", which was my original language in an earlier draft. So it all worked out.

I still don't like that "God-knows-what" is spread over a line-break, but the meter required it.

Talking about trees, my present landlord is apparently terrified of them. He bought the house less than a year before I moved in, and he cut down the only two trees on the property (because they leaned slightly and were dropping leaves on the roof), and then he convinced a neighbor to cut down a tall tree in his yard that he thought might fall on our house. A crooked tree surgeon came and said that the trunk had rot in it; but when they cut it down, they discovered that the trunk was perfectly healthy. That tree was huge and beautiful. So, because of my workman landlord, there are no trees near the house that I live in now, and three tree-beings have lost their lives. My landlord is also a Trump supporter who thinks that HE's superior to ME -- all those Trump supporters are conceited, you know.

[CalebPerry]

Macavity was the only person who thought that the hyperbole in the following lines was too much:

causing a spark, initiating God-knows-
what Armageddon or out-of-control
conflagration leading to Hell on Earth.

However, I feel it is less awkward than what I have now, and I am thinking of reinstating it. How do others feel?

[Leaf]

Hi Perry,

You're welcome; yes, the poem is much improved

Donald Trump has exacerbated all sorts of things. Usually I've time to read the papers for about half an hour every day, just reading articles in the order they've been posted online. Whenever a piece about Trump turns up I feel despair and disgust, and I prefer not to read it. A lot of my friends feel the same.

Yes, 'maimed' is good, and I like the idea of saving lines for future poems. There's a deft off-rhyme with 'brain' and it's great when things work out

Your landlord would say he's protecting his investment, I expect. My parents had to arrange for their beautiful beech tree to be felled because it turned out to be two trees in one and likely to split apart, with one half falling on their house. They were very sad about it, but they have a beech log as an ornament now and my dad planted a new tree in its place, a pretty little maple. I can't imagine your landlord doing any of that, but my parents are fairly green minded in their way. Well, that makes them sound like the Jumblies

Best wishes,
Leaf

PS: I like 'Hell on Earth'; it comes across as a sort of high point in the context of the N's mounting exasperation towards the council.